By Drew Gallagher, ADVANCE COLUMNIST
[Today’s column marks the 150th that Drew Gallagher has written for the FXBG Advance. His column has appeared every Sunday since December 31, 2023. To celebrate this landmark achievement, the writer, as he has done several times in the past, interviewed himself.]
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Well, Drew, let me start by congratulating you on your 150th column. That is quite an achievement and, dare I say, unexpected?
Thank you. As with all great streaks, no one expects greatness when they begin. When Cal Ripken first trotted out to shortstop for the Baltimore Orioles in 1982, did anyone anticipate that he would play for another 2,631 games in a row? Similarly, when Jahangir Khan started his amazing streak of 555 straight squash matches in 1981, no one knew they were watching the dawning of an era. Probably because no one was watching a squash match.
But in journalism circles, the number 150 is much less impressive. Dave Barry wrote nearly 1,300 columns over the course of 25 years with the Miami Herald. E.B. White wrote a column for Harper’s for five years and then contributed to The New Yorker for six decades.
Yes, but they got paid. With the exception of a couple of months this summer, when Steve Watkins took over as editor and nobly attempted to compensate the writers, I have not been paid for the majority of the columns and I think that reflects my willingness to give back to the Fredericksburg community and should be tax deductible. I have cranked out a column for 150 straight weeks and still managed to stay married and hold down a full-time job. I also published a book, Funny for Nothing. What book did E.B. White ever write?
Over the course of 150 columns, what has been the most gratifying part of the experience?
That I have not compromised my personal beliefs or standards which were quite low.
Such as?
The belief that pansexual dolphins are glorious and celebrating their freedom should be placed on a book cover. That Chris Elliott is a comedic genius who may not be fully appreciated until people are placed in a gulag without internet, and the only reading material available is a tattered copy of The Shroud of the Thwacker. And lastly, that Brandy is a fine girl and, I think, a good wife she would be.
Conversely, what has been the most frustrating or disappointing part of the first 150 columns?
That recognition has been slow to develop over these three years. which means I still have to work a day job while writing a weekly column and trying to sell enough books to keep my wife from continuing to ask what that unopened box is that is still sitting in the middle of the basement. More universally, I think I will always be disappointed that The Advance and The Free Press could not get along at their initial playdate and had to become two separate and competing entities because egos and money were involved. There are excellent writers working for both. and if they had been able to find a path forward it would have made for a better publication that would have been better able to serve the news needs of the Fredericksburg community. That being said, Fredericksburg is lucky to have them both…and me.
Are there any people you have met along this journey who have impacted your life or your writing?
Great question! I did want to give a shout out to the lone sponsor of the column which was the Card Cellar located at 915 Caroline Street: “For all of your gift-buying needs!” The owner, Bart, agreed to a six-month sponsorship deal in the column’s infancy in exchange for which I agreed to subtly, and not so subtly, mention him or his store in the column and remind readers of what a magical place it is. Bart has expanded his offerings beyond the sports card business, and he now sells more socks than any other retailer in downtown Fredericksburg. That’s quite a legacy. The funny part of this first and only sponsorship deal is that I don’t think he was ever billed for it, but I don’t mind because I like Bart and he does a lot of great things for downtown Fredericksburg.
So would you still be willing to sell your soul for another non-paying sponsorship deal?
Absolutely! Although I apparently can’t sell my soul to data centers because The Advance has publicly stated that they will no longer take data center money which likely means I’ll continue to write this column without recompense. However, I’m willing to listen if they’d like my soul-selling in book form. I already have a cover in mind in which pansexual dolphins leap over the cooling system recycling water into the Chesapeake Bay…beneath a rainbow. It would be quite eye-catching, and we would crop it so the readers would not see the dead fish floating on the water below.
I’m also still willing to sell my soul to Governor Spanberger to become her Secretary of Levity. Now that the midterm elections are over, I think she’ll have more time to devote herself to reading my book and giving serious consideration to this much-needed cabinet position.
Before we wrap this up, anyone else you’d like to thank for helping you achieve your 150th column in a row?
Well, I have a Thanksgiving column coming up in which I’m going to thank a lot of people for helping with this column and my book and offer little substance to the readers who won’t be named in the column. I learned this trick from retired Free Lance-Star columnist Rob Hedelt. You don’t get to 150 straight columns without occasionally writing a column that is simply a list of people and names. Kind of like Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” or REM’s “It’s the End of The World As We Know It” and those were big hits. And anyone who has read the acknowledgements in my book knows that I can name a lot of names.
I do want to sincerely thank the readers of the column and the laundry list of gracious people who have contributed to it for these past three years. As a matter of fact, I got emails from famous people like Hall-of-Fame book reviewer Ron Charles and British musician Frank Turner just this week. Of course, they were both responding to emails I sent them, but still.
And to echo Spinal Tap keyboardist Viv Savage: “Have a good time... all the time. That’s my philosophy, Marty.” Rest in Peace, Rob Reiner.
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FXBG Advance columnist Drew Gallagher’s book Funny for Nothing was released on July 28 by Long River Press. It’s available for sale in the Fredericksburg area at Novel Bookstore (212 William Street), Liberty Town Arts (916 Liberty Street), The Card Cellar (915 Caroline Street), Wren & Sparrow (807 Caroline Street), and Laudenbach Brewing in Stafford (45 Centreport Parkway, Unit 101). You can also buy it on Amazon.
