Breakfast at Tiffany’s with JD Vance
JD Vance hates Tiffanys, but deeply admires Drew's family values. Confused? So are we! Read on ...
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Email Drew
JD Vance is pissed! And not because his campaigning on behalf of Donald Trump will make him miss all the Labor Day sales on La-Z-Boy couches and sectionals. (And for those of you who are going to stop reading now because I made a sophomoric joke about Vance and sofas, I’d just like to point out that he and I grew up in separate states together and he emails me directly so, as close email friends, we occasionally enter int harmless locker room banter. Read on, my fellow Patriots!)
Vance is pissed over a picture on Twitter, and he emailed me right away to let me know how very angry he is at the picture. (I, of course, am too old for Twitter so my outrage was dormant until I got an email from my good friend JD Vance.)
The picture that has him spewing all over the upholstery is one of Kamala Harris that was sent out to possible donors asking them to support her presidential campaign. In the picture, she is wearing a gold necklace. Next to the picture of a smiling Harris, is a superimposed graphic from a fellow Patriot showing that the necklace she is wearing came from Tiffany’s and cost $62,000.
Vance is quick to point out that Harris only makes $284,000.00 a year as vice president, and such a necklace is proof that she has dived headfirst into the DC swamp and is swimming among politicians who are paid handsomely for their willingness to help lobbyists, own DC hotels where foreign dignitaries stay for tens of thousands of dollars a night, and take flights on private jets without disclosing them. Now I was pissed too, damn it!
As Vance tells me, this is what DC elites have been doing to him and me for decades — wearing jewelry of unknown cost and provenance right under our very noses! And I had no idea because I’m not on Twitter which apparently documents the DC Swamp along with how to twerk.
Sure, Harris is married to a multimillionaire husband, and there are any number of possibilities surrounding the necklace — a family heirloom, a necklace very similar to the one sold by Tiffany’s for sale at Target, or a gift by Colombian drug lords for allowing so many of their drug mules through our Southern Border. But the audacity to ask hardworking undecided voters for money while wearing a piece of jewelry made me want to spit.
Vance obviously gets me and understands that my anger does have budgetary restraints. In fact, he only wanted $5 from me to help stand up to Harris who had raised $310 million because people must really like her necklace or not know that the necklace is an insult to hard working Americans like me and JD Vance.
Shoot, I could probably find $5 in my couch cushions. And Vance assures me that my $5 donation won’t go toward a $62,000 necklace because he probably already bought his wife the Melania Trump signature necklace which is available for $245.
As I read deeper into the email, I did start to get a little confused by the messaging, but my buddy JD was so pissed he probably could not see or type straight, so I had to cut him slack even if the outrage was not linear.
So, Kamala Harris wore a $62,000 necklace (maybe) and proceeded to raise $310 million for her campaign for president. Why would she need to buy another $62,000 necklace with campaign donations if she already had one, and one that was apparently bringing in a ton of donations? He also said my $5 donation won’t go toward enriching the DC Swamp which hates my values. I know that swamps by their very nature are a bit murky, but if I donate to Harris’ campaign, JD is implying that the money I send to her will go straight to swamp people who hate my values.
First of all, how do these swamp dwellers know my values which were basically summed up nicely by Crash Davis in Bull Durham, which I have edited for a family substack: “Well, I believe in the soul, (some other reproductive organ stuff that is too profane to print here) the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curveball, high fiber, good Scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”
The swamp loves astroturf? That doesn’t seem like something crocodiles and other swamp creatures would welcome. My boy JD was sending me mixed messages, but maybe for only $5 I could get some clarification on the swamp values he was so afraid of or, most helpfully, a book for kids on what JD Vance has done to this point in life.
True to JD’s kind nature though, he said if I could not afford $5 at the moment it was no big deal. He and Trump still recognized me as a top supporter, so all was well with the world. Until, moments later, when Kimberly Guilfoyle sent me an email missing me! How can she miss me when I didn’t know I had gone away?
She titled the email “I can’t bear to see you go!” Now look, the former liberal and former wife of California Governor Gavin Newsom is not the first to bemoan what I bring to the backside of a pair of cargo shorts, so I’m sure she was sad to see me go. But her sadness could be assuaged for a mere $35 to renew my membership with House Republicans. Guilfoyle, unlike the swamp, knows that allowing my House Republican membership to lapse is unlike me, and she’s always known me as a SPECIAL patriot. (The emphasis is all hers.)
In staying on message, Kimberly sent a picture of herself not wearing a necklace! Not sure if she was wearing the $250,000 engagement ring Donald Jr. gave her or if the ring was from Tiffany’s or the Mall at Short Hills in New Jersey where Trump, Jr. proposed to his ex-wife Vanessa in 2004. Sure, a mall in suburbia may not be the most romantic of venues, but a jewelry store had agreed to give Trump, Jr. a free $100,000 engagement ring if he’d propose in front of their store and allow paparazzi to photograph the moment for posterity. Patriots draining the swamp right after draining a smoothie from Orange Julius!
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