Get on the Team U.S.A. Hype Train, Join Hands
You Shouldn’t Be Reading This Column About All the Great Sports Events on TV This Weekend. You Should Be Desperately Searching the Internet for News About Captain America’s Strained Calf Muscle!
By Drew Gallagher
ADVANCE COLUMNIST
There is a train pulling into Fredericksburg on Friday at 3 p.m. The train is filling up fast, but you still have a chance to board before this hype train speeds out of control when the U.S. Men’s National soccer team beats Australia in World Cup play. All you need to board is some red, white, and blue attire and, if pressed about your new-found fandom, just respond that you think Christian Pulisic is a generational talent.
(A small shop next to Rita’s at 11105 Leavells Road in Spotsylvania is selling U.S. jerseys for the low, low price of $36. They also have other jerseys on sale for some of the other big countries, and there is a current promotion that if you buy a Spain jersey and wear it out of the store you get a free ice cream at Rita’s which you can enjoy while other people make fun of the fact that you root for a team that just played to a 0-0 tie with Cabo Verde which I’m told is a real country.)
The way Pulisic looked in America’s resounding 4-1 victory over Paraguay, he and his mates may prove unstoppable on soccer’s grandest stage. Of course, if they lose to the Socceroos today then you can use that jersey you just bought to cushion your landing as you and your fellow lemmings leap from the train.
Today’s game is such a big deal that The Advance is bumping up its I On Sports feature by a day so it can include the U.S. Men’s game as well as all the other sports to view this weekend.
The first question on everyone’s mind heading into the 3 p.m. kickoff on Fox is how is Pulisic’s left calf? According to manager Mauricio Pochettino, Captain America will be fine for today’s match. Reporters noted that Pulisic trained apart from his teammates on Monday but was killing it in a game of hopscotch. The pregame broadcast begins at 1 p.m. today. One of the two hours will be devoted to McDonald’s commercials starring Posh Spice’s husband in a drive-thru, while the other hour will focus on the anatomy of the human calf.
If Pulisic is unable to play it will either be a crushing blow to the United States or else it won’t matter at all because all forward Folarin Balogun does is score goals. Balogun had a “brace” against Paraguay which means he scored twice, but since soccer likes to alienate the casual fan beyond the annoying offside rule, they have to refer to simple things by terms that originated in Anglo-French because those two countries have always gotten along so well on the soccer pitch.
Today is Juneteenth, and many offices will be closed to mark the holiday, so you might want to get to your watering hole of choice early to make certain you have prime viewing for the American match. Plenty of locals will be trooping over to Fred Nats stadium and plunking down $8 for parking plus $5 for Standing Room Only to watch the U.S.-Australia match on the big screen in centerfield. Meanwhile, the local American Outlaws fan club will be settling in at Legends Grille in Spotsylvania, and Park Lane Tavern behind the Spotsylvania Towne Center will have specials during the match. Check out the Fredericksburg Free Press for a more comprehensive list of watch parties in the area. Or just turn on the TV and park yourself on the couch. What better way to acknowledge the importance of Juneteenth than celebrating the likes of Weston McKennie, Tyler Adams, and Chris Richards? Raise a glass, and read on for more.
Friday, June 19
Greatest Soccer Team in the History of the World vs. Australia in Group D of World Cup 3 p.m. today on Fox
If the United States can beat the Socceroos, they move to the top of Group D and then play the Scoobydoos next Thursday. Australia improbably beat Turkiye in their opener, so they’re tied with the U.S. on points but trail by one in goal differential. Should you bump into an Aussie supporter drinking Fosters while watching the match, simply say in your best Crocodile Dundee voice: “That’s not a beer. THIS is a beer!” And pull out a Pabst Blue Ribbon—America’s best since 1893.
World Cup Soccer Matches that Do Not Involve the Greatest Soccer Team in the History of the World, today on Fox and FS1 6 p.m., 8:30 p.m., and 11 p.m.
Of course, these games matter, especially the night cap of Paraguay versus Turkiye because it has implications for the United States and Group D, but you need to stay focused today on one match and one match only. USA! USA! USA!
Second Round of PGA U.S. Open Today 3 p.m. on NBCSN
If you want to make friends and influence people today, wear a golf visor with sunglasses on the back of your head and walk into your nearest pub and ask them if they can change the soccer match over to the golf because this is the day that golfers you’ve never heard of might miss the cut at Shinnecock Hills. Little Known Fact: Shinnecock Hills is a golf club in New York and was not named for a stripper who once performed at Al’s Diamond Cabaret in Taylor Swift’s hometown.
Local Prognosticator Bryce Sheetz went to graduate school with the specific intention of studying golf trends so he could provide them to an online substack and pay off his student loans. Bryce predicts that Xander Schauffele—opening odds of 18.5-1—will raise the trophy on Sunday for his first U.S. Open victory. Take it to the bank.
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Saturday, June 20
Men’s College Baseball World Series 7 p.m. on ESPN-
The teams are to be determined based on games that played this week, but you can safely assume that UNC will be making this best-of-three championship since they’re led by a second baseman named Gallaher. Who they play is immaterial because none of the remaining teams have a player named Gallaher. The only thing this kid is missing is a second “G” in his last name, which, sadly, means he can’t break it into three separate words: GAL-LAG-HER.
Third Round of PGA U.S. Open 10 a.m. on USA and then noon on NBC
You know that shit‘s about to get real when golf is on two separate broadcasts on the same day. Another opportunity to make friends and influence people. Wander into any pub or sports bar at 1 p.m. and say: “Hup Holland hup, can you please change the channel to golf?” The Dutch fans will appreciate your effort to assimilate while they beat the crap out of you.
WNBA Caitlin Clark vs. Atlanta 1 p.m. on ABC
Sure, Caitlin Clark is not the name of the Indiana Fever, but she is what you’re here for. There’s a reason her autographed 1-of-1 rookie card sold for $660,000.00 at auction, even though teammate Kelsey Mitchell is tied with Clark in scoring average this season. You can pick up Mitchell’s signed 1-of-1 rookie card for less than $1,000 or your best offer on eBay.
Major League Baseball 10:10 p.m. Major League Baseball Network
Orioles at Dodgers. Some regions of the country will get the Red Sox at the Mariners. Be glad you do not live in those regions. Shohei Ohtani is not scheduled to pitch. but he is scheduled to hit nukes off Baltimore starter Trevor Rogers and then be available as a substitute for the Japanese Men’s Soccer team in their midnight kickoff against Tunisia.
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Sunday, June 21 (Happy Father’s Day and First Day of Summer)
Final Round of PGA US Open 10 a.m. on USA and then noon on NBC
Shit’s still getting real as golf has to be broadcast on two networks again. Don’t let the noon time fool you. Dear old Dad can play 18 holes and still get home in time to fall asleep watching the end of Scottie Scheffler’s pursuit of the career grand slam.
World Cup Group Stage Noon on Fox
Spain vs. Saudi Arabia. As noted above, there is a match that kicks off at midnight and four more matches today which means five matches in total but the one that should be riveting is this one involving Spain. Spain is called La Roja which translates to “The Red One That Was Completely Humiliated by Cabo Verde in Their Opening Match.” Spain was the betting favorite at the start of this World Cup, but the 0-0 tie that was authored by a 40-year old goalkeeper in their first match was one of the biggest upsets in the history of the world, and that includes Henry V’s win over the French on St. Crispin’s Day at Agincourt.
Game 2 of Men’s College Baseball World Series 1:30 p.m. on ABC and ESPNU
A U.S. Open champion will be crowned today and, presumably, UNC as the winner of the College World Series since their second baseman is named Gallaher who showed off the speed all too familiar with the last name by legging out a key triple earlier in Omaha. The record book of Irish sprinters is nearly as long as the book of Irish cuisine that my homeland has gifted to the world. Try eating mutton without a few Guinness under your belt.
Major League Baseball 7:20 p.m. on NBC
Mets at Phillies. My mother was a Mets fan. My father was a Phillies fan. Nothing ever strained their marriage more than a three-game regular season series between their teams. They didn’t watch the games together. I just wish they were still around to to at least do it in separate rooms.
Happy Father’s Day to those who are still here and to those who are gone and helped show us that the world of sport can be a much-needed distraction from the demands of the world.