HUMOR: A Mischief of Rats
A public health alert from the Health Department of Seattle and King County has Drew worried about rats and the safety of Seattle Mariners’ catcher Cal Raleigh's rear end.
By Drew Gallagher
COLUMNIST
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the Seattle Mariners’ catcher Cal Raleigh. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about his butt.
Raleigh just completed what is arguably the greatest season ever produced by a major league baseball catcher and should have won the American League MVP award if not for the fact that he plays in Seattle and does not get the East Coast exposure that Aaron Judge, the stolen glory winner, does receive.
No less important in the annals of baseball history, Raleigh was also integral in helping my 41-year-old fantasy baseball team, The Drewers, win the Altered States League championship in 2025.
Cal Raleigh will forever hold a special place in my baseball heart, but I am very concerned about his glorious backside.
Many years ago, Raleigh was given the nickname ‘Big Dumper’ by one of his teammates, who noticed that Raleigh possesses a rather large rump. As Raleigh slugged his way to 60 home runs this past season, Big Dumper became a fan favorite in the Pacific Northwest, and the nickname became a term of endearment that even broadcasters embraced. Raleigh has so enjoyed his time in Seattle that he signed a long-term deal with the Mariners and bought a house near the city, so he could raise his family there. Big Dumper loves Seattle as much as it loves him.
Unfortunately, the greater Seattle area has been inundated with rain, and the resulting flooding has caused catastrophic damage throughout Washington and Oregon. The problems with the flooding are myriad and caused the Public Health Department of Seattle and King County to release a cartoon alert addressing one of the risks of this biblical flooding and how that risk could pose a grave danger to everyone’s favorite Mariner. The Department of Health was warning citizens that they may encounter rats swimming out of the flooded sewers and up into the toilets of their houses, including, one can presume, the toilets of Cal Raleigh.
The cartoon alert provides simple advice on how to combat the rat in your toilet. The first order of business is do not panic. Now I’ve watched the movie First Blood many times, and even John Rambo, a decorated Green Beret, panics a bit when rats start jumping on his back in the underground tunnels, and he was fully clothed … with a burning torch to ward off the vermin.
The health warning then helpfully suggests that you close the toilet lid and flush your toilet. I find this to be a bit optimistic because if I am on the toilet and a rat introduces himself while I am sitting on the toilet, there is a very good chance that what I was already scheduled to do on the toilet is not going to wait for me to get up, close the lid, and flush. If, however, you are able to control your bowels in this moment, then the alert tells you to check to see if the rat did flush down the toilet.
If your rat (and hopefully they are flying solo) is still there and swimming his little tail off, the alert tells you to exit the bathroom and shut the door behind you. Walk to the kitchen and grab some dishwashing soap and return to the bathroom. Lift the toilet lid, pour the dishwashing soap into your toilet and onto the rat, and flush again. It may take multiple flushes, but the science is that the dishwashing soap should lubricate the pipe leading to your toilet and prevent any further forays by the rodent.
(Sidenote: the warning does mention that some rats may be too large to fit back down the pipe, but I’m not sure the rats or toilets come with weight or size warnings. But oh what fun to converse with the members of your household about whether or not the rat was so large that they might be stuck or crawling back up the pipe next time you need to pee.)
If the dishwashing soap does not work, the alert recommends setting a trap or calling a pest control company. Those of you paying attention at home will likely note that if the recommendation is to set a trap, that probably means they are telling you that the rat can exit the toilet without explicitly telling you the rat can exit the toilet. Once again, be sure to shut the bathroom door before calling your realtor and expressing your heartfelt desire to move immediately to a drought-stricken state or country.
Now before any readers outside of the Pacific Northwest dash off to the kitchen to grab bottles of dishwashing soap and dump every last ounce down every last toilet in your house, I talked to a resident pest control expert, Joe Wilson, to see if he has encountered this problem in the Fredericksburg area. Mr. Wilson owned PermaTreat for decades before he retired to live above Fredericksburg’s favorite downtown shop, The Card Cellar, and he is quite familiar with the Fredericksburg area and its assorted pests.
“From time to time I have heard stories about rats getting into homes by coming up through the toilet,” he said. “But in my 59 years in the pest control business, I have never witnessed or been able to confirm such an occurrence.”
It appears then that this is nothing more than an urban myth. The show is over. Remember to tip your waitress and have a safe drive home.
But I can understand why some readers may not find solace in this assurance since there is a public health department alerting residents of the possibility of rats swimming up through Cal Raleigh’s toilet, along with other less celebrated toilets. Afterall, we know there is no such thing as a Sasquatch, but if the Public Health Department of Seattle and King County sent out a helpful cartoon depicting a Sasquatch crawling into a dimly-lit crawlspace we might, as responsible homeowners, immediately fill our crawlspaces up with poured concrete and a dash of dishwashing soap for good measure.
Wondering if the preventive powers of dishwashing soap might work, I reached out to a Pennsylvania-based plumber who is also a very good bowler.
“So how is that shrew of a wife of yours doing these days?” I asked.
“She’s been your sister a lot longer than she’s been my wife. Why don’t you call her and ask her? Let me know how that goes,” said Dale Stern, distinguished contractor and noted brother-in-law.
“Could dishwasher soap prevent rats from swimming up sewer lines in Seattle to get into Cal Raleigh’s toilet and bite the Big Dumper?”
“A build up of any detergent would probably be slippery,” he said.
“But slippery enough to prevent the national disaster that would be a rat taking aim at the American League MVP runner-up’s bottom?” I asked.
“I have never known of rats climbing up through toilets and biting American League MVP runner-ups on the ass. I think Cal Raleigh is safe,” he said.
“What about if a rat bit my sister in the ass? Can you not put dishwasher soap down your toilets at home to make that happen?” I inquired.
At that point we must have lost the cell signal.
(This week, my beloved sister Julie is retiring as a medical professional after 41 years. I guess I don’t really want a rat to bite her in the ass in retirement, but there was certainly a point in my life where I would not have given a rat’s ass if that had happened to her. This is mostly based upon childhood Christmas mornings where she did not wake up early enough for my liking knowing full well that no presents could be opened until she was awake. Happy holidays!)
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