HUMOR: Cave Dwellers
Pressers can be tough on those facing the questions. Especially when the media in attendance is unrelenting in its questioning -- as Drew and Virginia's #1 Humorist’s Favorite Child found out.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
DATELINE: April 14, 2026—Spotsylvania, VA, Vinny’s Restaurant (Room Adjacent to Main Dining Room)
(A press conference has been called by Virginia’s #1 Humorist. No one is sure why the press conference has been called. Media attendance appears to be made up almost exclusively of a Civics class from Battlefield Middle School which is located across the street from Vinny’s and a teenage reporter/student who appears to be highly embarrassed by the potential of this moment. This is the third press conference held by Virginia’s #1 Humorist which shatters the previous record of press conferences held by a Virginia humorist which was zero.
The humorist strides to the lectern dressed casually and wearing a Boston Red Sox hat that should have been replaced years ago. He has a pitcher of beer and pours himself a glass which he drains in one gulp which draws titters from the gathered students. One muffled comment is that “it’s not even lunchtime” and another student, probably the apple of any Civics’ teacher’s eye, remarks: “Even the Secretary of War waits until noon.” The humorist quells the whispers with a hand gesture he hopes will indicate gravitas and begins.)
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: Thank you for coming. The lies linking me with an assignment in a high school Humanities’ class where I took a zero because a classmate copied my homework on The Allegory of the Cave by Plato need to end today.
The individuals lying about me are devoid of ethical standards, humility, and respect. I do not object to their ignorance, but rather, I reject their mean-spirited attempts to defame my reputation.
Are there any questions?
Battlefield Middle School Student Wearing Washington Commanders’ Jersey: What is ignorance?
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: Ignorance is asking a stupid question like ‘What is ignorance?’ What news organization are you with? I’m guessing ABC News, right?
Battlefield Middle School Student Wearing Washington Commanders’ Jersey: I’m with Ms. Watkins’ class. I know my ABCs.
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: Did you come here just to ask stupid questions?
Battlefield Middle School Student Wearing Washington Commanders’ Jersey: No, we were told there would be free pizza, and we’d get extra credit if we asked a question.
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: Please let me be absolutely clear, I have no connection to the zero I got on a Humanities’ assignment in 1988 for allowing a fellow student to copy my answers on the Allegory of the Cave assignment.
Battlefield Middle School Student Wearing a Battlefield Middle School T-Shirt: What is an allegory?
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: It is a construct that reveals a larger message through the use of symbols and scenarios that are easily identified. I still find Plato’s allegory to be confounding, and I do not find it hard to imagine a need for my fellow high school classmate to share in that confusion.
Increasingly Embarrassed Teen Reporter Who Is Favorite Child of Virginia’s #1 Humorist: As a country, we are currently at war with Iran, and we recently celebrated the successful space exploration of Artemis II. Why would you revisit the copying of a homework assignment at this time? It seems like you would want the world to forget something that happened nearly 40 years ago.
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: Why are you even here?
Virginia’s #1 Humorist’s Favorite Child: I had my practicum today at Battlefield, and you told me I didn’t need to pack my lunch today because there would be free pizza if I came across the street for a press conference after my practicum.
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: To be clear, I never had a relationship with Plato or his cave. My homework assignment and that of my classmate do not amount to anything more than a trivial note.
Virginia’s #1 Humorist’s Favorite Child: A trivial note that got you a zero in an AP course?
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: Sit down you harpy. Are you with ABC News? Why you gotta be so mean? One day I’ll be living in a big old city. And all you’ll ever be is mean.
Virginia’s #1 Humorist’s Least Favorite Child: First of all, you get lost in big old cities and second of all, answer the question—why are you boring this entire middle school class with a morality tale from a time before their parents were even born?
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: I never flew on the Humanities Express or went to Humanities Island. I hardly knew the Humanities. The false smears about me from mean-spirited and politically motivated individuals and entities looking to cause damage to my good name to gain financially and climb politically must stop.
Battlefield Middle School Student Wearing Washington Commanders’ Jersey: Do you think Jayden Daniels is the best quarterback of all time? My Daddy does.
Battlefield Middle School Student Wearing Philadelphia Eagles’ Jersey: Jayden Daniels sucks. Just like this press conference. When do we get pizza?
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: To date, several individuals and companies have been legally obligated to publicly apologize and retract their lies about me and the zero I got for the Humanities’ assignment my senior year, such as The Daily Beast, James Carville, Harper Collins UK, and the Exeter Echo.
Battlefield Middle School Student Wearing Mario Kart T-Shirt: If we apologize right now can we get pizza and go back to school?
Virginia’s #1 Humorist: Only if you go back to class and write to your congressmen, and let them know that now is the time to act.
Virginia’s #1 Humorist’s Least Favorite Child: One last question please. The public wants to know, can they have half pepperoni and half sausage on one of the pizzas?
(The room erupts in cheers for pizza, and the press conference ends with a whimper.)
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