HUMOR: Fumbles
It's the biggest game in the world, so of course the tantrum-child in the White House has to get involved. Enter the never-corrupt FIFA organization, a little over-under, and it's game on.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Today is the Super Bowl. The most American holiday of all except for the fact that we do not get a day off work, or school, and the NFL insists on not holding the game on a much more convenient day like Saturday. (I have been known to wax poetic, while quite hungover, on why the game should be played on Saturday, but the trite argument has always been that the NFL historically only plays on Sunday … and Monday … and Thursday … and Friday … and Saturday.)
This is the 60th version of the Super Bowl and quite possibly the last one to be played under the National Football League moniker if President Trump has his way. (Column reader Drew from King George will take issue with a Super Bowl column that includes President Trump, but Trump inserted himself into this column when he suggested the need for a football name change, so this is merely reporting the “authentic” news.)
As some readers might recall, Trump genuflected before Gianni Infantino, FIFA’s president, a few months ago in an effort to be awarded the very first FIFA Peace Prize from soccer’s ‘not-corrupt-in-any way’ governing body. Trump even went as far as to state that our American game of football should change its name because most of the world calls soccer, football, and so, we should graciously change for the good of the world. In that moment, he clinched the new FIFA award for Best Standup Comedy Routine by an Autocrat.
Up until a few weeks ago, I was certain that there was no way the MAGA crowd would embrace changing football’s name because of a conflict with soccer naming rights, but then Trump mentioned a possible compromise on their right to bear arms and MAGA was crickets; so there could be very real momentum for both banning assault rifles and finally putting the incongruous name of football to rest.
Unfortunately, as with many things in the genius that is Trump’s universe, he has a brilliant idea like invading Venezuela to kidnap their oil, but then never gets to think beyond the initial action because he has other genius things to focus on like shutting down the Kennedy Center to stop declining ticket sales.
Infantino has not followed up with Trump on the new name for ‘football’ because he and FIFA have been too busy trying to lift an international ban on Russian soccer which was implemented when they invaded Ukraine nearly four years ago. (Vegas has installed Putin as the early betting line favorite for FIFA’s next Peace Prize should it ever exist again.)
Infantino believes that the Russian ban is hurting the children of Russia because they can’t participate in travel soccer tournaments that require a one-night stay in Havre de Grace, Maryland. Infantino, of course, conveniently fails to recognize that Russia is a very large country with lots of soccer fields and lots of soccer-loving children who can play in their homeland until they are conscripted into the military.
The gambling public has obviously recognized that this could be the final ‘football’ Super Bowl in our lifetimes and are expected to wager over $1.7 billion on the game. (By way of comparison, $1.7 Billion is the same amount that Fox News reported the movie Melania took in in its first weekend.)
Here at the Humor Column, we understand that some American families are struggling with affordability, so I will provide you with two guaranteed winners for today’s big game. These certified winners will allow you to refrain from having to take uncooked Ramen noodles and ranch dressing as an appetizer you claim you found on Etsy to the neighborhood Super Bowl party.
Some of you might be skeptical of what makes me qualified to give out Five-Star Gold Lock picks for the low, low price of a subscription to the FXBG Advance, but I have a long history of betting on the Super Bowl. I placed my first Super Bowl wager in 1980 when I was 10 years old. I bet Jimmy Knoblauch $5 that the Steelers would beat the Rams, and when the Steelers won, 31-19, I was 1-0 lifetime on my Super Bowl best bets and immediately posted it to my blog.
But Jimmy never paid because he was a few years older than I was and threatened to beat me up after I got off the elementary school bus. It was the last time I allowed a bet to go unpaid … but mostly because I don’t think I’ve ever won another bet on the Super Bowl. Which means I am due.
Here are your winners. Remember to tip your waitstaff.
1. My favorite bet in any Super Bowl is the over on the number of fumbles that will be lost in the game. Granted, the Super Bowl is a matchup of the best two teams in the game which typically means they do not put the ball on the ground, but the Vegas number is usually .5 fumbles lost so if there is one fumble recovered by the opponent you cash a winning ticket and can get a larger coffee at Starbucks Monday morning to nurse that hangover. Now if your hometown bookie knows that when you host a Super Bowl party those gathered at your party tend to bet a lot of money on the fumbles over they might move the total line up to 1.5 fumbles (I’m looking at you Butch). Do not be dissuaded by this obvious manipulation of the line. In a football game, it is possible to have two fumbles on one play! Nothing is more glorious than an offensive player coughing up the ball to have a 350-pound defensive player pick it up and, holding the ball like it’s a bag full of no-longer constipated Bernese Mountain dog poop, lumbering down the field to be tackled … and fumble. The record for most fumbles in a Super Bowl game is eight. Be careful when you place this bet because you might be arrested for stealing.
2. Many people argue that the best bet to make on any Super Bowl is the coin flip because it is a 50/50 proposition. There is a reason they don’t have tables at MGM Grand for coin flips. And you can make the coin toss bet any day of the year so what is the fun in that? What we look for in a longshot Super Bowl wager is a way to cover a college tuition payment, and this year that does not take the form of a 529 but rather number 86 for the New England Patriots. Efton Chism III, come on down! Chism’s odds to score a touchdown at any point in the game are 12-1. So if you wager $100 you win $1,200. Chism has some of the longest odds on the board to score a touchdown mostly because the wide receiver only caught three passes during the regular season. His lack of playing time or onfield performance should not offset the fact that, in his family, someone decided to keep the name Efton Chism alive for three generations. If I had gone to elementary school with a kid named Efton Chism The Third I would have been nice to him but only because I would have recognized that his parents were not nice to him when they named him. I could have had a field day with either his first or last name at recess, but I like to think that I have learned a few things since 1980. Foremost, never trust Jimmy Knoblauch to pay his gambling debts and, more recently, that there is an F-Ton of money to be made if a certain backup New England wide receiver scores a touchdown.
As always, bet responsibly, which probably means you should not bet on Efton Chism III or the fumbles over.
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