By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST

A scorpion crawling on a piece of wood — Photo by Andrey Tikhonovskiy on Unsplash

The 23rd World Cup kicks off this summer on June 11th. This is the second column in a series by the Advance’s resident humorist leading up to and through the World Cup. The column will provide detailed insights on why and how (think beer) you should watch the World Cup and why you should continue reading this column even though it is about soccer.

There was much hue and cry over Part 1 of this column series, and it proved that I had tapped into a deep vein of great indifference regarding soccer’s greatest spectacle and the fact that it was taking place on our home soil in just a few weeks.

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By way of example:

—My wife: “I really enjoyed your column today and you were absolutely right, I don’t care about the World Cup.”

—Reader Paulla Loder, recently returned from Spain (a soccer hotbed and one of the favorites to win the World Cup) was witnessed at work giving a chortle when she reviewed her emails and saw that the World Cup is coming and Drew Gallagher is the only person in the United States who cares.

—Reader Jill Wine who will be in Seattle during the World Cup: “Can you write your next column on how to avoid the World Cup when you happen to be vacationing in one of the host cities?”

—Rob Swann, friend and former William & Mary classmate of Spotsylvania Judge William Glover. Rob, who lives in Dallas, Texas, which will host nine games in the tournament, was asked if he’d be interested in reading a very funny column about the World Cup: “No.”

Given this overwhelming rejection of all things World Cup by people in my living room, on my phone, or in Judge Glover’s kitchen on a Sunday afternoon, many readers might ask why a humorist would persist in this series of essays on the joy that is the World Cup, and I was reminded of the fable of the scorpion and the frog.

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The scorpion needs a ride across a body of water and asks a frog to take him across the water. The frog is skeptical because he knows that the scorpion could sting and kill him. The scorpion posits that if he were to sting the frog while he was swimming it would be certain death to the scorpion, and he would never jeopardize his own life in such a way. The frog agrees and while they are swimming across the body of water and chatting amiably, the frog feels a sting in his back and, with his dying breath, asks the scorpion why he would sting him and kill them both. The scorpion answers that it is because scorpions are excellent swimmers.

Of course, that is not how the fable ends, but it would have been pretty funny as far as fables go. The scorpion actually tells the frog as they are both drowning that he stung him because it is in his nature. The moral of the story is that soccer and humor are both in my nature. Without further Adu, this series on the building excitement of the World Cup coming to the United States continues.

—Last Week, You Attempted to Convince Readers that FIFA is Not Corrupt. Did FIFA Have To Bribe You with Tickets to Get You to Say Nice Things About Them?

Orchestra tickets to Book of Mormon at the National Theatre aren’t going to pay for themselves! In truth, FIFA appeared much more willing to grease my palm with national tour tickets to a musical than tickets to an actual World Cup match.

—So Are You Going to Attend as Many Matches as Possible? How Does Someone With Less Clout Than Virginia’s #1 Humorist Go About Getting Tickets?

For reasons that remain unknown (bribes that include Nationals, Wizards, or Commanders suites might have something to do with it), no matches were awarded to the Washington or Baltimore area. So, the stadiums closest to Fredericksburg that will be hosting World Cup matches will be in Philadelphia and New Jersey. I immediately looked to see what teams no one really cares about will be playing in those two venues, so I could grab some cheap seats on a humorist’s salary to revel in the majesty of the World Cup. I discovered there is no way to navigate the FIFA World Cup site without a 401K balance of at least $2 Million, so the alternative options are resale sites.

—So What Matches Are You Going to Attend?

I had hoped to harvest a few organs between now and June to be able to see some live World Cup play between nations I could not place on a map, but apparently there are a battery of tests and scans that need to occur before they will make an offer on a well-used kidney or an eye with a history that includes a detached retina.

I could not imagine that there was going to be much interest in the group stage match between The Ivory Coast and Ecuador in Philadelphia, but apparently I was quite wrong about that. The cheapest seats available on Seat Geek currently are at $890/ticket and those seats come with the flight patterns coming in and out of Philadelphia International Airport so you know when to duck to avoid being struck by landing gear.

—Does Your Lack of Wealth Ever Make You Sad?

When I made the decision to become an English major, I resigned myself to the fact that certain things in life may not be as important as the poetry of Sylvia Plath or the journals of Albert Camus, but I knew that some of those less important things like new cars, restaurants with a manned hostess station, or World Cup matches between Ecuador and the Ivory Coast may be out of my price range. I am comfortable with my life’s choices. I am rich in friends.

—Are Any of Those Friends Rich?

Apparently not rich enough to offer me World Cup tickets this summer.

—So Are You Giving Up on Attending World Cup Matches This Summer?

Not yet because I have a backup plan that is legal in 35 states and the District of Columbia. You will have to wait until next Sunday’s FXBG Advance for free gambling advice and World Cup picks from a high school soccer goalie who once allowed seven goals to a player in a single match, but still made Second Team Honorable Mention. My World Cup Golden Locks of the Century will be coming soon.

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