HUMOR: Sweet Caroline - Best Main Street in the History of the World

Thanks to Drew, Fredericksburg has a championship title to go along with UMW's Basketball Championship. The question - will the city hang a flag celebrating the award, in "Garden and Gun" magazine?

By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST

Sing with me, Fredericksburg:

“I’ve paid my dues
Time after time
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime

And bad mistakes
I’ve made a few
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I’ve come through

(We’re gonna go on and on and on and on)

We are the champions, my friend
And we’ll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
Cause we are the champions
Of the world”

--Queen

For Full Sunday Morning Inspiration, Listen Here:

I recognize that some readers of the column might be unaware that Caroline Street in Fredericksburg was just named The Best Main Street in the History of the World by Garden and Gun Magazine, but it was and nothing tastes as sweet as victory except for maybe chocolate Twizzlers. Our path to victory was not an easy one in a contest that was the closest in the storied history of Garden and Gun Magazine.

After defeating the Appian Way (Rome, Italy) in the quarterfinals, we went up against Blowing Rock, North Carolina, in the semifinals. Blowing Rock had many supporters among readers of this humor column—namely my mother-in-law Peggy Sturt and my editor Marty Davis (who despite living in Fredericksburg for 26 years still bleeds his native Carolina Blue when cut) —and the little town with a big wind problem took an early lead over our beloved Burg until Fredericksburg Mayor Kerry Devine sharpened her poison pen and reduced the majestic Blowing Rock to a pile of rubble.

Our opponent in the finals was DeLand, Florida, which sounds like the name of a town some urban planner came up with when they were trying to find a place near Orlando to make a Disney World commuter village and didn’t want to officially call it: “Home to Drama Majors Living Seven to a Townhouse While Playing Dwarves before the Staunton Blackfriars Playhouse Callback for The Merry Wives of Windsor and My Father Can Stop Complaining That He Blew $120,000 on A Kid Who Can’t Even Land A Dwarf with a Speaking Part at the Magic Kingdom.” That protracted name is still better than DeLand, Florida.

I admit that I was not optimistic that Fredericksburg would prevail when, on the last day of voting, DeLame, Florida, took a 51% to 49% lead with mere hours to go. It seemed that the worm had turned and based solely upon my Pre-Calculus experience, I started to write a eulogy for Fredericksburg along with my resignation letter as a humorist.

Leading up to the final day of voting, I had tapped into my inner Alexander Hamilton, my inner Jack Kerouac less the Benzedrine, and wrote three columns in five days in support of the greatness that is Caroline Street. I felt like former Free Lance-Star columnist Rob Hedelt but without using the word “folks” or talking about a fishing charter based out of Reedville. I was Pheidippides tasked with running 26.2 miles only to die in front of a strip mall outside of Sparta, less than a hero.

In short, I had steeled myself for a level of despondency I had not experienced since I had lost out on the FIFA Peace Prize in December. But there is a reason I finished with a C-minus in Pre-Calculus, and that reason reared its lovely head on Wednesday, April 9^th, when it was officially announced by Fredericksburg Main Street that Fredericksburg had triumphed as the Best Main Street in the History of the World and DeLand, Florida, laid DeCapitated at our feet. We were indeed the Champions.

As Will Ferrell’s character Jackie Moon prophesized in the movie Semi-Pro, the three things that will be remembered for eternity are: the discovery of fire, the invention of the submarine, and that Caroline Street was voted by the readers of Garden and Gun Magazine as the Best Main Street in the History of the World.

Based upon population alone, David had better Vegas odds against Goliath than Fredericksburg had against DeLoser, Florida. But Fredericksburgers were equal to the fight, and heroes did emerge from the fog of battle and will be listed in the city’s ranks along with George Washington, Hugh Mercer, and Danny McBride.

--Heroes such as Jennifer Childs at Courtyard by Marriott (which happens to sit on what is now the Best Main Street in the History of the World) who actually got her husband Freddie to vote in a magazine contest which, in hindsight, might have only been because it had “Gun” in its title. (Note to Readers: the Downtown Courtyard renovations are nearly complete, and if you want to bask in the glory that is sunrise on Caroline Street, your room awaits. Tell them Fredericksburg’s #1 Humorist sent you, and be prepared for some really strange looks from the people at the front desk.)

--Heroes such as Amy Watkins’ Battlefield Middle School students who stayed up way past their bedtimes, neglecting their homework, to vote for Caroline Street up until the midnight deadline. These happy few, this band of brothers and sisters, will most assuredly one day know C-minuses in Pre-Calculus.

--Heroes such as Chancellor baseball legends like Trevin Edwards, Bryce Sheetz, Shawn Drillard, Baylor Gallagher and Matt Phoebus who did not ignore repeated text messages from Coach Drew and grabbed a bat with two outs and the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth looking to find a gap in what has become an overly long and tortured baseball analogy.

--Heroes such as the Fredericksburg Nationals and their new ownership group which put the link for the contest up on the scoreboard during their home opener and encouraged fans to vote often from multiple devices.

--Heroes such as Bill Glover and Jeannie Dahnk whose votes add legitimacy to any undertaking. (Of note: Their home will be on the upcoming Historic Garden Tour and is located on…wait for it…the Best Main Street in the History of the World.)

--Heroes such as Dr. Marc Moyer who would momentarily interrupt dental procedures every time his phone beeped at 60-minute intervals to remind him it was time to vote for the Best Main Street in the History of the World. (And his brother Michael, too, because he’ll bitch if I mention Marc and not him.)

--Heroes such as the Chancellor High School field hockey team that voted en masse and because of those efforts it means that we now have two things that Gloucester will never have: Virginia’s winningest field hockey coach in Jim Larkin and the Best Main Street in the History of the World.

--Heroes such as the University of Mary Washington men’ s basketball team which proved they have something that Stetson University in DeLazy, Florida, does not have—a national championship.

--Heroes such as D.D. and Kenneth Lecky, owners of LibertyTown Arts Workshop which is a keystone in the Fredericksburg art community even if it is a few blocks off the Best Main Street in the History of the World.

--Heroes such as Chris Allen (Duly Noted—714 Best Main Street in the History of the World) and Bart Goldberg (The Card Cellar—915 Best Main Street in the History of the World) who work tirelessly for Fredericksburg Main Street and were instrumental in winning this contest.

--Heroes such as Betsy Mason who was recently named Fredericksburg’s Chief of Police and now has the daunting task of keeping the Best Main Street in the History of the World safe while inundated by the tourists looking to glimpse the magic that is Fredericksburg and the street formerly known as Caroline Street.

--And lastly, no greater hero rose from the fires of this pitched battle than Mayor Kerry Devine. Mayor Devine proved equal to a moment that would have challenged Abraham Lincoln himself. She was visible throughout the contest and entreated the citizens of Fredericksburg to vote for the town that they so love even if some of them weren’t sure how to use Google on their cell phones to find the link. She should never have to pay for another drink at any of the coffee shops or watering holes that now find themselves located on the Best Main Street in the History of the World.

--And one more lastly—thank you to the readers of FXBG Advance and of this humor column. Many would say that reading this column on a weekly basis is the very definition of heroism. Please know that you are appreciated.

Local Obituaries

To view local obituaries or to send a note to family and loved ones, please visit the link that follows.