HUMOR: The Bets are On
Who's going to win the World Cup? No one who's watching. But the players care, so Drew weighs in with the country most likely to walk away with the FIFA Peace ... uh ... World Cup trophy.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
The 23rd World Cup kicks off this summer on June 11th. This is the final column in a series by the Advance’s resident humorist leading up to and through the World Cup. The column will provide detailed insights on why and how (think beer) you should watch the World Cup and why you should continue reading this column even though it is about soccer. This column also provides the long-awaited winner of the tournament and free gambling advice … unless you are a subscriber. Then it’s costing you $80 a year, which is still a bargain.
The World Cup first entered my consciousness in the summer of 1986 when I was 16 and learned that God was Argentinian. World Cup matches were not generally televised other than Soccer Made in Germany on Saturday afternoons, but I did manage to catch Argentina’s victory over England in 1986 where my young goalie sensibilities were galled by the obvious cheating of Argentina’s star player, Diego Maradona.
Maradona had gotten behind the English defense to be first to a high ball that was played into the penalty area. The problem for the diminutive striker though was that he was either too short or too fat to jump to meet the ball with his head which would have been legal. Instead, he flicked his hand into the air and redirected the ball into the net for a goal which was illegal. Except none of the referees saw this sleight of hand and the goal was allowed to stand, and Argentina won the quarterfinal match and moved on.
When asked after the match about the goal, he said it was a little bit of Maradona’s head and a little bit of the Hand of God. Maradona later said that the English did not use their heads when they invaded the Falkland Islands, so this was merely payback. (Maradona never said anything of this sort, but it would have been very clever if he had.)
My next appointment with the World Cup was in 1990 when I was in Pallaskenry, Ireland, with my cousin Shawn waiting for the town’s two pubs to open. We were in the tiny sitting room of the house where we were renting a room when a couple of Scandinavian gentlemen came in and turned the fuzzy television to a Swedish group match. They were riveted and, I assume, in agony when Sweden ultimately lost. We left at halftime because these fans were not women or meatballs, and the pub was now open.
The 1990 World Cup may have been Ireland’s greatest triumph in World Cup play, and to be there for the moment when Ireland tied England 1-1 on Kevin Sheedy’s late goal was magical. I want nothing more in this life than for my own children to experience the excitement of a United States 1-1 tie against England at the World Cup.
Unfortunately, England and the United States playing to a tie in 2026 is impossible and not only because England is significantly better than we are at soccer. England is not in our group and even if we met them in the knockout rounds the match could not end in a tie, so this dream for my children will have to wait another four years. I hope they realize this does not mean my love for them is diminished. Without further Adu, cue the grand inquisitor.
Who Is Going to Win the World Cup This Year?
Unfortunately, 47 contenders will not know the glory that is being named World Cup champion in 2026 including the United States. My wife has also made it abundantly clear that a bet on the US to win the tournament is in violation of the prenuptial agreement I signed in 2001, which clearly states I am not to wager on the United States in any sport where I hold a county record for most goals allowed to a single player in a high school match, and Chris Elliott is not to be described as our generation’s P.G. Wodehouse in the marital bedroom.
And?
I am very tempted to write that this is the year that an African nation like Morocco finally breaks through and raises the trophy, but I think we are still a Cup cycle or two away from an African champion.
And?
The betting favorites for this Cup are Spain or France depending upon which online betting site you check. They are followed closely by Brazil and Argentina with England getting some bookmaker love, but that is likely due to the fact that England is more popular in the United States than the United States team. Afterall, they have Harry F**king Kane!
And?
If you’re looking for an alternative to a 529 plan for your children, I would take the bet where you pick the continent most likely to win the Cup and take Europe.
So You’re Betting Chalk?
Only because I care about the college futures of our subscribers’ children.
What If A Reader’s Child Has Already Graduated or Is Not Going to College?
This works as a 401K alternative as well.
Are You Going to Pick a Winner?
Of course! But at the Advance Humor Column, we run over 10,000 simulations and that takes a while.
Can That Simulator Determine the Interest in This World Cup Series of Columns?
The Simulator said I am trending in the Ivory Coast. Not so much in the Greater Fredericksburg area.
Do You Need a Drum Roll?
Yes, in honor of Neal Peart.
You Just Figured Out a Different Way to Alienate the Last Few Readers of This Column on Soccer by Going With Rush?
I am forever a goalkeeper. Forever alone as Jim White noted in The Telegraph: “There is something appropriate about a humorist like Gallagher stationing himself between the sticks. It is a lonely calling, an individual isolated within a team ethic, one who plays to different constraints. If his team scores, the keeper knows it is nothing to do with him. If the opposition score, however, it is all his fault. Standing sentinel in goal, Gallagher had plenty of time to reflect on the absurdist nature of his position.”
Did White Really Write That About You?
No, it was about Albert Camus, but we were both keepers of the goal and great philosophers. And in honor of Camus and Fredericksburg’s sister city Frejus (and Dr. Craig Vasey), my pick to win the 2026 World Cup is France. Any team with Kylian Mbappe is a dream for fans and for crossword puzzle creators. Plus, this is our 250th anniversary and without the French and General Lafayette we would still be servants of the Queen, not be able to get directly to downtown Fredericksburg from Four Mile Fork, and we would not have an 18th song in the First Act of the musical Hamilton. Vive la France!
Local Obituaries
To view local obituaries or to send a note to family and loved ones, please visit the link that follows.