HUMOR: The Ivory Coast Has a Rooter!
Drew is still trying to figure out how to get to a World Cup match, but the pitch seems hopelessly tilted against him.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
The 23rd World Cup kicks off this summer on June 11th. This is the third column in a series by the Advance’s resident humorist leading up to and through the World Cup. The column will provide detailed insights on why and how (think beer) you should watch the World Cup and why you should continue reading this column even though it is about soccer.
Once again, these columns on the joy that is soccer’s World Cup continue to bring forth guttural reactions that underscore the complete indifference of readers to the game of soccer.
Humor column reader, John Crow, is longing for the days of columns about gay dolphins or simply making fun of President Trump and his scowling visage on passports.
Humor column reader, who you can call Al, said that the World Cup should meet with nothing but complete indifference. Then bemoaned the fact that former New York Mets’ legend Howard Johnson was now doing commercials for CarShield. You know who is not doing commercials for CarShield? Not a single World Cup champion because they get paid to win the Cup, and this year’s Cup winner will get $50 million. That is 3-4 times as much as HoJo made in his baseball career. Soccer matters … just not in the United States.
But snatched from this yawning maw of indifference, picaresque heroes must emerge to defend and attend the World Cup, and I am that hero. Without further Adu, the quest continues. (And yes, I bet on Further Ado in the Kentucky Derby, but last time I checked there is no money for finishing 11th out of 18 horses.)
—Recently You Said That You Had a Plan to Attend a World Cup Match but You Were an English Major as Evidenced by Your Use of Maw and Picaresque in a Sentence. Obviously You Have No Money. What is That Plan?
I have approached the embassy of the Ivory Coast and offered to throw my support behind their men’s national team for the upcoming Cup in exchange for two tickets to either of their two matches in Philadelphia.
—Did You Really Do That (because you know your wife is going to ask you that question)?
I did really do that. Though my reputation as Virginia’s #1 Humorist may not have yet reached the Western shores of Africa (my reputation was flying Spirit Airlines), I am confident that when the Ivory Coast embassy Googles me, they will realize that the price of my fandom is tariff-free and an absolute bargain. I even translated my letter into French, so they could see how serious I am about this offer of fandom.
—You Actually Sent Them a Letter Rather Than an Email?
Yes, because when I went to the embassy’s web site and typed out a very funny and thoughtful email I had to agree to their terms and conditions before it would let me send the email. I am sure I would not have a problem with their terms and conditions, but I could not find their terms and conditions on the web site, and as I searched for them, the email I had carefully crafted disappeared. I was not happy. You never have those problems with the United States Postal Service!
—In the Likely Event That They Do Not Open or Read Your Letter, What is Your Backup Plan?
Gambling.
—Didn’t You Just Bet on a Horse That Finished 11th?
I blame the jockey, John Velazquez.
—Isn’t Velazquez the Highest Earning Jockey in the History of North America?
He’s dead to me. You know who is not dead to me? The Ivory Coast men’s national soccer team. Any of those fine men could have jumped aboard Further Ado and galloped to victory just as I anticipate them doing when the Cup begins.
—Wait, You Actually Think That The Ivory Coast Can Become the First African Country to Lift the World Cup?
Of course not, but I do predict that they will emerge from their group stage and play in the elimination rounds.
—You Do Realize That You Just Went to a Level of Obscurity That Will Make Readers Stop Reading, Right? This Seems Impossibly Complicated and a Major Reason Why People Do Not Want to Shell Out $800 to See a Match That Only Matters to the Resale Ticket Sites.
That is because my readers do not appreciate the nuances of soccer or the World Cup as much as they appreciate the nuances of humor. It’s rather simple. There are 12 groups of four teams in the World Cup. Those four teams in each group play each other and the top two teams from each group advance to the elimination rounds.
—Okay, That is Far Simpler Than I Expected…
You did not let me finish. Those 24 teams advance but so do the eight best third-place teams for an unprecedented 32 teams in the elimination rounds. As I stated previously, this is an historic World Cup because it’s being hosted by the greatest country in the world which is governed by the greatest president in the world on its 250th birthday no less.
—You Don’t Think Trump is Giving You Ivory Coast Tickets Because You Sucked Up to Him Do You?
Shhhh. He’s resting his eyes.
—So Only 16 Teams Do Not Qualify for The Elimination Rounds. Should I Be Feeling Better About the United States Advancing to The Playoffs?
Like John Velazquez aboard Further Ado, you need to pull back on the reins a bit. Just because the United States is the richest country in the world with a youth soccer population in New Jersey that dwarfs the participation levels of 60% of the countries in the world does not mean that our passage is guaranteed.
—It Sounds Like You Just Made Up Those Statistics…
I did, but you get the point. The United States should be a dominant force in international soccer, but we aren’t because people find soccer boring and still struggle to understand how ties can be good even if they have watched Ted Lasso. If the United States advances in 2026, it’s cause for celebration. Sofas will burn and JD Vance will weep at all those missed opportunities!
—But Wasn’t the United States Ranked 16th in The Most Recent FIFA Rankings?
Those are the FIFA Coca-Cola rankings, thank you. And those rankings mean absolutely nothing except to Pepsi and RC Cola. FIFA’s rankings often defy logic just like its First Ever Peace Prize being awarded to President Trump who, a few months later, started a war between resting his eyes. For instance, Italy is ranked 12th in the FIFA rankings, and they failed to qualify for the World Cup! If the World Cup is the greatest spectacle in sports, then it stands to reason that there should be at least 48 teams ranked above Italy in the FIFA rankings. Except the United States, Canada, and Mexico did not have to qualify because they were bribing FIFA. And there is still a chance that Italy makes the World Cup if Iran does not open the Strait of Hormuz in the next week.
—This is All Very Confusing. We Are Less Than 30 Days to The Start of The World Cup. I Don’t Know That There is Enough Time to Understand It All.
Fear not, I’m confident I can milk this topic for one more column.
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