HUMOR: The Taco Bellwether
Yes, Drew is convinced that Taco Bell will determine the winner of Group D in the World Cup. Yes, Taco Bell will make you run ... probably not for the border. So without further Adu ...
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
The 23rd World Cup kicks off this summer on June 11th. This is the fourth column in a series by the Advance’s resident humorist leading up to and through the World Cup. (Read Columns 1, 2, and 3.) The column will provide detailed insights on why and how (think beer) you should watch the World Cup and why you should continue reading this column even though it is about soccer.
The World Cup is almost here as evidenced by team USA t-shirts appearing on the shelves of CVS and soccer ball stickers randomly displayed in the windows of area 7-11 stores. The excitement is building, and as one who has attended World Cup matches in the past I cannot wait. Those matches in 1994 made indelible memories like when I attended a Republic of Ireland match against Mexico with my friend Drew Wine in Orlando. Ireland lost, which sucked, but the whirlwind tour featured other highlights like Drew throwing up 12 pints of Guinness on the passenger door of our white rental car. (Guinness apparently retains its distinctive dark color after being consumed and then jettisoned in the drive-thru of a McDonald’s in suburbia. The Enterprise representative took pains to point that out when we returned our once-white vehicle and agreed with Jean-Paul Sartre that hell is indeed other people who cannot hold their Guinness. He was a recently-graduated English major.)
Later in that same 1994 World Cup, I travelled to the Meadowlands in New Jersey with Dr. Allyson Paska to watch a semifinal between Italy and Bulgaria. Our seats were phenomenal and the atmosphere was electric. As an added bonus, Dr. Paska did not throw up Guinness or any other substance on the ride home, but we did get to hear Too Much Joy’s cover of Terry Jacks’ Seasons in the Sun during the six-hour return trip.
I am hopeful that I may get to see a live game during this upcoming World Cup even though I have not heard back from the Ivory Coast Embassy. (In fairness, their attention might be focused on the Ebola outbreak just down the street in their homeland and not on securing tickets and the support of Virginia’s #1 Humorist. And for the reader who was outraged when I devoted a satirical column to the Epstein Files and my absence from them, I am not minimizing the concern about Ebola. Just as I was not minimizing or mocking the awful things that Jeffrey Epstein and his friends did to young women. However, to write about them is to not let people forget about them.)
To this point, I believe I have bored readers with enough of the World Cup particulars to finally get on to the matches that matter and how the United States will fare. Without further Adu…
—Can the United States Win the World Cup?
No.
—Care to Elaborate?
At the risk of stark applause, the United States does not have the skill or the depth to win a World Cup at this point in history. We have a generational talent in Christian Pulisic, but at the moment he is nursing an injury and if he is not at 100 per cent (tip of the top hat to the The New Yorker spelling) I’m not sure the U.S. can even get out of their group.
—Who Is In Their Group?
Glad you asked. There are four teams in every group in the World Cup and the United States is in Group D with Paraguay, Australia, and the country formerly known as Turkey.
—When Did Turkey Change Its Name?
According to my buddy Perk, it appears to have changed overnight since one day we were talking about Turkey and the next day we were talking about Turkiye.
—Do You and Perk Talk About the Country Turkey Often?
More than you would think. Probably more than we talk about Rome.
—How Do You Now Pronounce Turkiye?
Kind of like the Mr. Mister song Kyrie.
—Does Your Body Ever Burn A Gem-like Flame?
Only when I eat at Taco Bell.
—Do They Have Taco Bells in the Other Countries in Group D?
Yes, Taco Bell is present in Australia and is having a grand opening for its first location in Paraguay later this year. Alas, Turkiye does not know the gastrointestinal delight that is Taco Bell.
—Who Will Win This Group?
Probably Turkiye because it will remind everyone of Mr. Mister and they will not be burdened by the moist memories of the soft tacos from the night before.
—Seriously, You Are Basing Group Stage Advancement on the Prevalence of Taco Bells in a Country?
There is actually a term for this phenomenon—the Taco Bellwether. Fast food franchises are watching this World Cup very closely because of the Taco Bellwether. If Turkiye advances, then it is further proof of the Taco Bellwether and how Taco Bell inhibits athletic performance. Based upon the Taco Bellwether, the order of finish in our group should be Turkiye, Paraguay, and then Australia and the U.S. vying for third and fourth.
—Are You Adhering To The Taco Bellwether For Your Group D Predictions?
As the poet William Carlos Williams noted about World Cup group stages, so much depends upon a red wheelbarrow. And by red wheelbarrow he meant the health of United States winger Christian Pulisic. It appears that Pulisic’s lower back injury was minor, and he has already returned to the pitch, but backs can be troublesome. The United States plays its first match on June 12th against Paraguay, and they need Pulisic healthy and dynamic. Paraguay would love nothing better than surviving that first match in a 0-0 tie and getting one point.
—If Pulisic Is Healthy Then We Can Win Group D?
Yes, playing at home is a huge advantage for any nation hosting the World Cup. If Pulisic is fit to play and avoids the 160 Taco Bell locations in greater Los Angeles, then there is definitely a path forward to winning Group D.
—Will You Be Throwing a Few Shekels Down on The United States Winning Group D?
No way! Not at the current odds of +140. My wife is retiring in four days. I can’t hitch our financial future to a 27-year-old with a balky back. He probably ate ring bologna sandwiches with chocolate Twizzlers growing up in Hershey, PA. Plus, bettors go against the Taco Bellwether Phenomenon at their own peril. The final group stage match between the U.S. and Turkiye on June 25th will likely dictate the winner of the group.
—We Are Nearing the End of the Penny Parrish Imposed Word Count on Your Columns. Does This Mean We Have To Wait Another Week For Your World Cup Winner?
Yes, it does. The Taco Bellwether Phenomenon was not one that I anticipated exploring when I set out to write this column but coaching a baseball team full of high school boys who like Taco Bell runs as much as scoring runs on the ballfield worms its way into your subconscious. Next column will address the World Cup champion and whether or not my wife will need to find full-time work by the final whistle on July 19th. Might be cutting it close to making our 25-year anniversary two days later!
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