Let That Pride Flag, and Those Dolphins, Fly!

It's Pride Month, and Drew's investigating gay dolphins. Yes, they're a thing - especially in Sarasota, Florida! What will Ron DeSantis do? Will Spotsylvania ban "Island of the Blue Dolphins"?

by Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST

Photo by Ranae Smith on Unsplash

In honor of June being LGBTQ+ Pride Month, we cast our eyes to the state of Florida—a bastion of acceptance and respect for all communities except when it comes to supporting major league baseball teams. Only the soon-to-be nomadic Oakland A’s occupy a lower spot in MLB attendance rankings. 

As some readers might remember, Bridget Ziegler, a Sarasota County school board member and founding member of Moms for Liberty, is renowned in her Florida community for being outspoken on the evils of homosexuality, as well as wanting to ban books from Sarasota County schools that have LGBTQ+ themes. Ziegler and her devoutly religious husband, Christian—conveniently his name and religion--made headlines for engaging in a threesome with another woman which, statistically speaking, had to involve some same-sex involvement which was inconsistent with Ziegler’s public stance against the LGBTQ+ community.

(Criminal Update on Christian: The charges against Christian for allegedly raping the other member of the threesome have been dropped because the videotape he produced of the incident seemed to show consensual acts with the woman who was most assuredly not his wife. Regardless of his innocence, he was dropped as the Chairman of the Republican Party of Florida, which one can only assume was because such infidelity does not align with the values espoused by the Republican Party.)  

There is one community in Sarasota, though, that has a long history of engaging in and supporting alternative lifestyles and that is the dolphins of Sarasota Bay according to studies conducted on the dolphin population by the Sarasota Dolphin Research Program for the last 53 years. 

Let that rainbow flag fly!

This alternative lifestyle, lived by Florida’s favorite mammal, will likely not be included in tourist literature or make Governor Ron DeSantis smile, which is a good thing because his attempts at smiling never go well. It does, however, pose a significant problem for businesses that market swim-with-dolphin tours because visitors wearing MAGA hats may not want to be paired with a known gay dolphin just like they no longer drink Bud Light.

And if they want to ban books in public schools with LGBTQ+ themes, are they going to want to allow their children to swim with dolphins that may engage in LGBTQ+ themes underwater and not necessarily after dark? Are Moms for Liberty now going to ask to ban books with dolphins in them from public school libraries? Is Scott O’Dell’s Newbery Award-winning classic “Island of The Blue Dolphins” no longer suitable for young audiences? Was that island really the island of Lesbos?

On the Visit Florida web site, they pose the question: “Where and How to Meet Dolphins in Florida” although most of the places listed for hanging out with dolphins seem to be on beaches and not in bars on South Beach. 

Because of the very real potential of homosexual dolphins torpedoing Florida’s tourism industry and a popular section of most elementary school libraries, I reached out to Dr. Dominique Didier, a Professor of Aquatic Biology and Ichthyology at Millersville University of Pennsylvania to see if the threat to Florida is real and something the scientific community was aware of. Turns out those roiling sea waters beneath double rainbows may be more than simply feeding frenzies. 

(Editor’s Note: This exchange between Drew and Dr. Didier is real – seriously. Just goes to show that sometimes real life is even better than what talented humorists can conjure up.)

Drew Gallagher: Were you familiar with the highly sexed lives of dolphins and that they sometimes enjoy same sex relationships?

Dr. Didier: Yes, I am quite aware that dolphins are highly charged sexual animals.  In aquariums they are regularly seen masturbating – one I heard of apparently liked rubbing against the underside of the shell of the sea turtle that shared his habitat (not homo, but trans!  Trans-species sexual that is).  Dolphins, along with other animals that have highly developed brains (primates and birds for example) regularly engage in sexual behaviors for pleasure, and it’s likely the captive dolphins are really bored, so a little pleasuring of themselves helps pass the time.  

While we tend to think of animals as innately driven to sex merely to reproduce, we are now discovering that a wide range of animals just like sex!  No surprise – we humans just like sex and do it for fun, so why would we not think other animals do the same?  Something like 1,500 animal species — that we know of — engage in what humans would define as ‘homosexual’ behaviors. This may range from copulation, to genital stimulation or mating displays and behaviors. As for same sex behaviors among dolphins, I’m not surprised.  Again, they’re just looking for a good time.

DG: Is there a stigma in the dolphin community for engaging in same sex acts? 

DD: Not as far as anyone can tell.  Just because an animal has a same sex encounter, doesn’t mean they aren’t also engaging in sexual behaviors for procreation.  Other animals are probably more open-minded than humans.  That being said, there are many examples of non-human animals that are hard-wired for homosexuality.  Sheep for example.  Somewhere around 4% of rams will not mount a female, but put them in with another ram and well, a lot of ‘ramming’ will be going on.  Bulls too — some just aren’t interested in the cows.  It’s kind of a bummer for the farmer when they get a gay animal — really puts a damper on their breeding.  I suspect the “gay” ones are in a lot of our hamburgers!  Word of warning to the anti-LGBTQ+ community — think twice before you order your next cheeseburger!

DG: Kansas City Chiefs place kicker Harrison Butker recently noted that homosexuality is a sin. Does this mean that dolphins might not go to heaven?

DD: I’m not sure an NFL place kicker has the inside track on heaven.  Based on his comments though I’d guess his version of heaven won’t have dolphins — and most other animals and people.  No drag queens or kings … too bad.  Sounds like a hell of a boring place.  Glad I won’t be there, I’ll be swimming with the dolphins and penguins (yeah, homo penguins exist)

DG: Are dolphins more active when rainbows appear over Sarasota Bay?

DD: You Betcha! They are having a blast! Rainbows up!  After all, sex is fun!  

The humor column raises a Bud Light (or two) to salute Pride Month and celebrate our friends the dolphins.  

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