Paging Dr. Squatch
It's time to save the world by showering with Dr. Squatch soap, hanging tributes to the Splendid Splinter in the boudoir, and not reading Drew's column. Confused? Read on ...
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Please stop reading this column and go have unprotected sex right now!
Here at the FXBG Advance we really appreciate your readership, but our collective failure as a society to go forth and populate the world could result in something far more cataclysmic than delaying the immediate pleasure you receive from reading this column. Priority one needs to be sex for procreation, and if you can’t put this column down then by all means try to do both. We’ll wait.
Wanting to do my part in repopulating the world I tried to have sex with my wife while I wrote this column, but I don’t think she appreciated the global urgency or having the gaze of framed Ted Williams’ photos upon her while in this most intimate of acts. (Of course, I never shared this idea with my wife because I knew that merely mentioning it would likely result in a very prolonged delay in my trying to repopulate the world.)
Obviously, this need for procreative sex would be greatly helped if you were in a loving relationship with the means and support to raise said child, but we are in a global crisis and such niceties may have to suffer. We are beyond nitpicking. The world needs you right now and they need you naked and fornicating.
At least that is the general takeaway from the clarion call by many of the world’s economists who believe that the world’s declining population may prove catastrophic for economies that have been built, somewhat fragilely, on the promise and expectation that the world’s population would continue to increase and provide a larger workforce with more workers paying into social security and similar programs, so the economists don’t have to figure out a solution beyond middle school math. (Pretty sure, however, that the rugged visage of Ted Williams is preferable by way of “mood” to that of a bespectacled economist.)
Some, like Elon Musk, have already recognized the dire straits we are in here in the United States, and they don’t simply want their money for nothing and their chicks for free. (Unless, of course, those chicks want to have babies right away so we can get social security checks to buy electric vehicles.) Elon Musk is very concerned that a shrinking population in the United States will lead to a destabilized economy and not enough people to drive his electric cars which could lead to a destabilized Elon Musk.
There is, however, one man who alone is taking the depopulation problem quite seriously and that is rapper, actor, and comedian Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon is not actually his stripper name, but it certainly could be if his gig as host of the Masked Singer on Fox ever dries up.
Cannon’s greatest claim to fame will always be that he was married to Mariah Carey. Try as he might, and if movies like “She Ball” and “School Dance” are any indication he’s not trying very hard, he will never achieve greater fame than the ex-husband of the Chanteuse of Christmas. But being the closeted economist that he most assuredly is, he has recognized that proliferation of the population, specifically his own offspring, may ultimately prove to be a greater legacy than Mariah. Single-handedly he is trying to Carey A Nation.
Cannon is 43-years old and already has 12 kids by six different women. The comedian Kevin Hart, who obviously doesn’t care about me or my social security benefits, once gifted Cannon a vending machine full of condoms. The joke is on Hart though because you don’t insure your testicles for $10 million without the expectation that you are going to keep using them. Yes, soap company Dr. Squatch recently agreed to pay the premium on an insurance policy to insure Cannon’s testicles for $10 million.
Though I had never heard of Dr. Squatch, I like that this company not only cares about how I smell (with their products that are 98-100% natural) but how comfortable I’ll be in retirement thanks to ensuring that Nick Cannon will be able to continue to populate the world all on his own. Sure, this might ultimately change some voting districts when Cannon’s children reach age 18 and require gerrymandering by the right, but it also might mean that I can retire on a golf course in the Villages in Florida where people indicate their sexual preferences by the color of the loofah displayed on their golf cart. (Checks notes on the Villages and loofahs from a prior column—dammit, that is still an urban myth.)
Because Dr. Squatch cares about me, I wanted to learn more about him and reciprocate the love by buying some of their reasonably priced bar soap. Sure, six bars for $36 may sound like a lot but can one really put a price on saving the world for fretting economists and a billionaire who almost invented cars that could drive themselves? One of Dr. Squatch’s most popular fragrances is Pine Tar Rugged so not only will I smell like an “old growth pine forest”, but the next time I try to tempt my wife with sex in my office while typing a column, surrounded by photos of Ted Williams, I’ll smell just like the Splendid Splinter did.
Fare thee well, Dr. Squatch, fare thee well.
(The Card Cellar, located at 915 Caroline Street, does not sell Dr. Squatch soaps but they do have a number of other brands of soap available. When I called the Card Cellar and asked what their soap costs, the very helpful woman who answered the phone asked “Which one, because we have a lot of soaps!”)
(Editor’s note: In an interesting coincidence, Elon Musk also has 12 children.)
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Finally getting to this column. Sorry, Drew.
OBTW, their soap is excellent--keeps my skin from drying out in the colder months and the lathering and aroma are great. Plus, their on-line ads are hilarious.