Playing The Trump Card

Here's how to MAKE MONEY dropping BIG MONEY on TRUMP'S DIGITAL TRADING CARDS! (But hurry, supplies are unlimited ... er, I mean "Limited," of course.)

By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Email Drew

"These shoes are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of the days these shoes are going to walk all over your...." With apologies to Nancy Sinatra.

There was a time, less than two weeks ago, where I would have bowed on bended knee and thanked the universe for giving me Donald Trump digital trading cards as fodder for a column. You see, I love baseball cards, and I love making fun of Donald Trump, so the marriage of those two worlds was like dipping chocolate into peanut butter for the very first time.

However, because the Advance hasn’t found a right-leaning humorist or opinion writer willing to accept its going rate for writers (thanks a lot, Milton Freedman, for poisoning the well) there is a pronounced void in the newspaper’s opinion pieces to balance my own tree-hugging liberalism with measured patriotic conservatism that tends to minimize the threat to democracy that MAGA extremism presents.

Critics of the Advance who already felt that we were the more left-leaning of the two journalism startups would love to be able to hurl their barbs at the Advance Board without fear of reprisal. Alas, there are too many bleeding-hearts such as myself with the power of the comedy pen at my disposal.

It’s into this yawning void I ride (sans cowboy hat).

So here it goes—I absolutely love Donald Trump digital trading cards!!!!!!!!!  

The greatest thing about these cards, as in life, is that they all feature Donald Trump. Unlike buying a random pack of boring baseball cards, there are no middling middle relievers or obscure prospects who have already flamed out. This offer is exclusively The Donald portrayed as bitcoin savior and as superhero in assorted poses. And damn does he look pumped up! Muscles rippling, biceps bulging, and what a head of hair with not a piece out of place even while he makes America great again while riding his Harley with one thumb up. 

And all for the low, low price of $99 per digital trading card! Look, I have thousands of baseball cards, and my wife’s biggest gripe is the amount of space they take up (that and why do I have thousands of baseball cards?). These Trump cards do not take up any physical space in your house unlike the ones I have sitting on my office desk that I periodically like to flip through to remind myself of my joyful and innocent youth. But these Trump digital trading cards take up no space!

When friends come to the house, just fire up your smart TV and show them off for hours. And if your friends collect them too, then you can trade them over happy hour cocktails … I think. (I’m not sure if they are trading cards in name alone, but why on earth would you ever want to trade one of these gems anyway?)

There is also none of this PAC layer of subterfuge in buying these cards. Your hard-earned money goes directly into the pockets of Donald Trump! We’re not funding a Republican candidate for congress in Montana with this money. We’re paying Barron’s tuition or for a new set of irons for our favorite club champion. Let’s go, fellow patriots. That approach shot on 17 isn’t hitting itself.

Now if you think that one card for $99 is a bargain (and it is!!!!!), wait until you hear about the other packages available. (And I’m annoyed with my editor because she would not rush this into circulation on a day other than Sunday even though the best deal of all is very limited. If you miss out, you can blame her because we know where her patriotism lies.) Editor’s note: This won’t be the last time I annoy Drew. 

If you buy five Trump digital trading cards for $500, they will throw in a pair of Never Surrender gold Trump sneakers for free. Those kicks are a $500.00 value. As consumers, we are nearly making money on this deal! But step up your game (and how can you not in gold Trump sneakers?) to nine digital trading cards and you get two pair of Never Surrender gold sneakers which, if my math is correct, means that you are only spending $900 on trading cards that don’t litter your household and getting back $1,000 worth of footwear. 

Now we are cooking with gasoline. One hundred dollars worth of gasoline that we did not overpay for in the Middle East because Trump knows how to deal! He’s giving you $100!!!!

The real value though is when you buy 15 digital trading cards and get an actual physical card of Trump and PLATINUM “Stand With Trump” sneakers. Plus the actual physical card of Trump features part of the suit he wore when he debated Joe Biden and sent the Democratic party into a death spiral!

Sure, baseball and football cards have had pieces of game-worn jerseys before, but that’s not the same as a piece of a Brooks Brothers suit that made Sleepy Joe want to take a Rip Van Winkle length snooze.

There are only 1,524 pairs of the Platinum sneakers left, and if you are one of the first 1,000 to respond, you get a pair that is numbered. Sorry, but number 1 of those sneakers is already taken by yours truly! (I feel sorry for the 524 saps who were too late to the party and don’t get their shoes with a signature.) 

And lastly, if you have Bitcoin burning a hole in your marriage because you did not listen to your financial planner, you can make it up to your significant other by ordering 250 digital trading cards (I do not know if these are 250 unique trading cards or if there are doubles and triples to trade to your friends, but who cares? We only trade for hostages without giving anything back in return. We take what we want and we want 250 digital trading cards!).

Along with the trading cards, which do not physically exist, you get two VIP tickets to a gala at Mara Lago along with two free drink tickets. You also get a pair of PLATINUM sneakers that are autographed by Trump (only 25 exist because his wrist was tired from dancing after that high energy Republican National Convention), two pairs of the gold sneakers, and then a bunch of other physical trading cards that are too numerous to mention and would also take up space.

You’ll essentially be swimming in Trump collectibles and not in the swamp for the low, low price of $24,750 which has to be paid in Bitcoin and in one payment.

To show how truly unique these collecting opportunities are, none of these cards are being sold at The Card Cellar at 915 Caroline Street in Fredericksburg. And I guarantee Bart is not cool enough to wear the gold sneakers because he doesn’t take Bitcoin either.

Remarkable that he has survived for over 20 years without bankrupting one company!  

Heck, even my neighbor Tyrone — a Hall of Famer — doesn’t have a digital Trump trading card. That’s how special these Trump digital ditties are!

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