HUMOR: Qualifications for Levity
Drew did his part to get Spanberger elected. Let the spoils system begin. Drew isn't asking for much. A pair of tights, a funny hat, three equally weighted balls, a levitating throne in Richmond.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST AND SECRETARY OF LEVITY IN WAITING
After Abigail Spanberger’s historic victory in the Virginia Governor’s election this week, she quickly named a number of high-profile individuals to her transition team. Some readers of the Advance were surprised that she had not filled the Secretary of Levity (SOL) post to help a local humorist fulfill his special purpose in life, but there are reasons for this delay, and not all of those reasons are because the private phone number her press team had provided is no longer in operation.
First off, Spanberger’s sweeping victory is marked most importantly by the fact that she is Virginia’s first female governor. This is historic. It also begets clever slogans like the one my daughter thought was appropriate after her landslide victory over Winsome Earl-Sears: “Winsome, Lose Some.” Any creation of a new cabinet position would certainly be tone deaf in this moment, but I did send two emails to her media team noting that when she is done with her victory parade on CNN and in the pages of The New York Times, maybe we can chat about where to put my levitating throne in the Capitol.
The New Dominion podcast thought enough of my possible succession to a yet-to-be-made throne by Fraser Wood Elements that they recently had me as a guest to discuss my political ambitions. (That episode of the podcast has not been released at the time of publication of this column and that is likely due to the Advance’s lawyers going over the hour-long broadcast to see if any part of it can safely be released into nature without causing undue harm unlike data centers.)
The podcast took place at the Curitiba Art Café (919 Caroline Street just doors down from the Card Cellar) where owners Megan and Cory were gracious hosts. Marty Davis, editor-in-chief of the Advance, emceed the evening and came prepared with a long list of questions which he tossed to the floor moments into the podcast. Fearing that no one wanted to listen to a podcast strictly grounded in Spanberger and her Secretary of Levity, I brought my neighbor Tyrone in case the interview started to flag and we had to discuss how not to catch fish.
The last time Tyrone and I were in Curitiba together was for my 50th birthday party when the prior owners of the quaint little coffee shop ran out of beer and soon decided to sell the downtown institution to Megan and Corey who are wonderful stewards and assured us both that they would not run out of beer during the podcast. Megan and Corey have not decided to sell as of this writing.
One question that I’m certain was on Marty’s list of boring questions that no one wanted to hear answers to before he tore up his sheet of paper and looked wistfully to the heavens was: “What makes you qualified to be a Secretary of Levity?”
I assume that when Governor Spanberger interviews me for the position it is likely to be on her list of questions unless she listens to the podcast and decides that the interview needs to consist of nothing more than a warm embrace and our mutual looks of admiration. However, she may not have time to listen to a podcast or gets really poor reception on her tour bus, so I thought I should lay out my credentials in a way that a press secretary or AI could read them to her:
100 Points of Light-Hearted Humor: On November 23rd, the Advance will be running my 100th humor column which Governor Spanberger once described as “very funny.” (She meant the column was “very funny” and not the fact that the Advance running it 100 times was funny in a pathetic kind of kitten gets its head stuck in a milk bottle way.) As the Grand Poobah of all book reviewers Ron Charles once told me: “Nothing inspires in me quite so much dread as the admonition to ‘be funny!’.” Charles could have noted that efforts at being funny also cause dread in my editors and immediate family. But 100 is a landmark number which is unequalled in the history of Virginia substack journalism. My dear departed mother once told me that any woman, including the first female Governor of Virginia, would be lucky to have me.
I took a class in juggling while at Mary Washington College. Even in 1991, I recognized that the bell tolling softly in the distance was tolling for the future of print journalism. (Or, possibly, for the 10 o’clock mass at the Presbyterian church near my off-campus apartment, but, as a precaution, I thought a class in voice and body movement would serve me well.) Over the course of that semester, I did learn how to juggle three objects at once provided the objects were round and of equal weight. If citizens of the Commonwealth come to my levitating throne during my very limited office hours and are not entertained by my witty banter in the face of a Federal Government shutdown then I can dazzle them with juggling for 30-48 seconds straight. This sets me apart from President Trump who has no balls and yet juggles constantly in an effort to make the country forget about the Epstein files and affordable sustenance. As Secretary of Levity, I promise dinner with a show.
I have previous mascot experience. Public education and the funding of the same appears to be a priority of the Spanberger Administration. As a long-ago intern for the Prince William Cannons’ minor league baseball team, I am perfectly suited to deliver Spanberger’s policy on education as a fuzzy, walking cannonball in a baseball cap. In my capacity as Assistant Director of Media Relations, I visited nearly every public elementary school in Northern Virginia where I twirled and danced from foot to foot as the lovable mascot Boomer while another unpaid intern provided the assembled and yawning masses with a lesson on the geography of the Carolina League. I was an absolute hit when compared to the discussions on how close Salem, Virginia was to other states. Of course the mascot does not have to be a fuzzy, walking cannonball, but I am confident that once I’m inside the suffocating headspace of the Spanberger team’s chosen symbol of “public education for all,” the skills I honed 32 years ago will come back to me like the nightmare I occasionally have where I’m in my senior year at MWC and I forgot to attend a class for the entire spring semester and will not graduate.
I submit to Governor Spanberger that I was born to be the first Secretary of Levity in the history of Virginia. And I am comfortable with any future artist renderings of me in marble including a coxcomb or head of an ass if they choose the Shakespearean route. Salary is negotiable.
Local Obituaries
To view local obituaries or to send a note to family and loved ones, please visit the link that follows.
Support Award-winning, Locally Focused Journalism
The FXBG Advance cuts through the talking points to deliver both incisive and informative news about the issues, people, and organizations that daily affect your life. And we do it in a multi-partisan format that has no equal in this region. Over the past year, our reporting was:
First to break the story of Stafford Board of Supervisors dismissing a citizen library board member for “misconduct,” without informing the citizen or explaining what the person allegedly did wrong.
First to explain falling water levels in the Rappahannock Canal.
First to detail controversial traffic numbers submitted by Stafford staff on the Buc-ee’s project
Our media group also offers the most-extensive election coverage in the region and regular columnists like:
And our newsroom is led by the most-experienced and most-awarded journalists in the region — Adele Uphaus (Managing Editor and multiple VPA award-winner) and Martin Davis (Editor-in-Chief, 2022 Opinion Writer of the Year in Virginia and more than 25 years reporting from around the country and the world).
For just $8 a month, you can help support top-flight journalism that puts people over policies.
Your contributions 100% support our journalists.
Help us as we continue to grow!
This article is published under Creative Commons license CC BY-NC-ND. It can be distributed for noncommercial purposes and must include the following: “Published with permission by FXBG Advance.”