Sunday Books & Culture - Humor
When a genuine Hockey God takes to the pickleball court, grandma best look out - hip-replacement surgery be damned.
by Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
The pickleball court is no place for arrogance according to a friend of mine who is not yet 50 and has taken up pickleball at a tennis club in Annapolis, Maryland.
He had to sign a special waiver indicating that he was not “technically” old enough to be playing pickleball, but in the event he showed up to an open session of pickleball and there were an odd number of players he could play as long as he promised not to use any abbreviations like LOL and believed that Vietnam was a necessary war and he would never flee to Canada if he were drafted. (To be clear, they meant drafted into the military and not the National Hockey League.)
At one of these open sessions of pickleball he was paired with Washington Capitals’ legend Peter Bondra who, at 55, is still way too young to be playing pickleball but apparently does not know that being a professional athlete in the United States means you should never have to play a sport where you have to pick up the ball for Irma because she is only two months removed from a double hip replacement.
My friend, who wishes to remain nameless in case Bondra reads the FXBG Advance on Sunday mornings and then refuses to play pickleball with him ever again, described Bondra as a little “arrogant.” This made me laugh because in my mind Peter Bondra should be arrogant in pretty much every undertaking that requires a ball or puck because, um, he’s Peter Bondra and led the NHL in scoring … twice.
My friend, who played club ice hockey at a Division II school in Pennsylvania, persisted in questioning Bondra’s arrogance so I told him I would compare their hockey careers and see if Bondra’s arrogance was misplaced. (Bondra also speaks at least three languages and none of them are Pennsylvania Dutch.)
In fairness for the comparison, I used my friend’s “greatest” collegiate season which was 2000-2001 and was not Bondra’s best professional season. The only true comparison might have been using Bondra’s age-six peewee season, but those numbers are not readily available on Google.
At one of these open sessions of pickleball he was paired with Washington Capitals’ legend Peter Bondra who, at 55, is still way too young to be playing pickleball but apparently does not know that being a professional athlete in the United States means you should never have to play a sport where you have to pick up the ball for Irma because she is only two months removed from a double hip replacement.
My friend’s team played against guys who drank beer out of reinforced steel athletic cups after games at a frat house. Bondra played against guys who drank champagne out of the Stanley Cup. Bondra played against goalie Patrick Roy who was a first ballot Hall of Famer and not against “Tiny” who played Temple ice hockey because John Chaney cut him from the basketball team and, though he could not skate, was installed in goal because he took up a lot of space in the crease. (I made that up about Tiny. I have no idea if he could skate.)
Perhaps my friend’s larger point is that excellence in one’s vocation should not translate to arrogance on the pickleball court. And he may have a point there because in my other life as an insurance claims adjuster (humorist doesn’t pay like it did when Mort Shal took the stage—most pickleball players will know Sahl) and I would never think of bringing the arrogance I take in writing a kick ass deer hit estimate to the local Kenmore courts. Or talking smack when an opponent claims I stepped in the “kitchen” and retort that I was in a burned-out kitchen earlier today and the only thing on fire in this match was my backhand.
I’d like to take a moment to publicly declare that I am not slagging on pickleball in any way. First off, I don’t want to put off any readers who love pickleball and want to continue to subscribe to FXBG Advance when they move to The Villages in Florida. And I own pickleball rackets which my neighbor has informed me are so old they would be considered antiques, which seems unlikely since pickleball was founded in 1965 and antiques have to be 100 years old.
I enjoy pickleball and in the proper twilight of our inevitable aging process I can see how it may need to be a perceived equalizer of athleticism.
In the case of my friend Tyrone that may even be true. He was a Division I football player, but put a pickleball racket in his hand and he’s capable of losing to a kid in a crib sucking on the end of the racket because he dropped his binky when he hit Tyrone with yet another overhead and started laughing so hard he filled his diaper.
But Tyrone is not Peter Bondra as evidenced by tripping over the chain gang when he tried to dash onto the field when he made his NCAA debut for James Madison at Lane Stadium in Blacksburg.
Peter Bondra may not be as good at pickleball as he was on the ice (503 career goals and 45th on the all-time list of most goals scored), but he has every right to be a bit arrogant when he steps on any court, and I assure you he’s better than Tyrone by simply not tripping before the game starts.
Snipe away, Bonzai!
Local Obituaries
To view local obituaries or to send a note to family and loved ones, please visit our website at the link that follows.
Weather and Traffic
Support Award-winning, Locally Focused Journalism
In less than a year, FXBG Advance has become the news leader in Fredericksburg, Spotsylvania, and Stafford through its innovative mix of:
Twice-daily newsletter - At 6 AM and 5 PM every Monday through Friday, the Advance brings the most important news directly to your inbox.
Education Reporting - Adele Uphaus has won multiple awards for her coverage of education issues locally and across the state. Now, she brings her experience, insights, and expertise to the Advance, providing our citizens some of the finest education writing and reporting in the commonwealth.
Political Reporting - From council meetings to campaigns, and fundraising to finance, the Advance is returning the Fourth Estate to its rightful place as a government watch dog.
Breaking News - From court cases to high-profile government moves, the Advance is the first to inform residents.
Investigative Journalism - Last year, the Advance broke major stories around improperly filed election documents, misleading sample ballots, disenfranchising Spotsylvania Count School parents, and book bans.
Election Coverage - The Advance offered the most complete coverage of the 2023 election, with in-depth candidate profiles, daily tracking of events, leading debates, and pre-dawn to post-midnight Election Day coverage. And 2024 brings even greater coverage.
Spotlights - From local businesses to nonprofit organizations and regional leaders, the Advance brings the people who make things happen to your attention.
Multi-partisan Commentary - Martin Davis is a 20-plus-year journalist recognized for superior commentary and political writing; Shaun Kenney has his hands on the pulse of political leaders across the Commonwealth. Together, they bring an unparalleled level of analysis and insight into the issues that drive debate in our region.
Political Cartoons - Clay Jones is a nationally recognized talent who draws weekly for CNN. He has returned to Fredericksburg to level his critical eye and razor-sharp drawing at the topics which make us both laugh, and look closer at ourselves.
New Dominion Podcast - Each week, Martin Davis and Shaun Kenney interview guests from across the region and the state. Growing to over 1,000 listeners in just six months, NDP has become a leading force in political, cultural, and social discussion.
We thank each and every one of you who have made the Advance a part of your day, and we’re excited to say that more-exciting announcements are just around the corner as we continue to innovate and expand our coverage of the region.
The donations of individual readers have made this year possible. Please join the hundreds who are supporting excellence in journalism by subscribing for just $8 a month.
Where does your money go?
It goes to support the great journalists we have - like Adele Uphaus - and the ones we look to hire in the year ahead.
If you can spare $8 a month, we’ll be both grateful, and reward your trust in us with more journalism, more stories, and more connections to organizations and people who make our region a great place to live.
If you can’t, thank you for reading the FXBG Advance!, and consider sharing us with your friends.
In 2024, let’s build an even better Advance - together!
Thank you for reading and supporting FXBG Advance.
-Martin Davis, Editor-in-Chief