Sunday Books & Culture - It's Drew Time
Where are Lisa Phelps and April Gillespie shuttling off to well before Board meetings end? Drew doesn't know, but our intrepid humorist/axolotl-loving-journalist has some ideas - two involve cheese.
Tony, Toni, and Swifties
by Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
During the Spotsylvania School Board meeting on January 8, two of the school board members left before the meeting’s conclusion. Some online conspiracy theorists were quick to assume that the two board members left because, with the seating of a new board majority, they took their ball and went home to play with their cats.
As an intrepid journalist, however, I wanted to give those two members a chance to comment on their premature evacuation. Unfortunately, neither of them took the time to respond to my email, so this “humorist” is left with only his imagination to speculate on the reasons.
(CONSCIENTIOUS SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS ALERT: In fairness to all school board members, I sent a similar email to the five school board members who stayed until the meeting’s end and asked them if they were tempted to leave early like their fellow board members. Four of those board members responded with earnestness to my email, which was simply intended to have fun in asking why they didn’t head out onto school property to vape, or to Sheetz for a pastry. The comments provided by the board members to my silly email expressed such desire for change and a singularly focused purpose on the betterment of the school district, I had to send them to my editor to hopefully utilize them in a legitimate act of journalism.)
Without further ado, here are some very legitimate reasons a school board member might have to leave a school board meeting early:
Migraines. Board Member Nicole Cole stated that she once left a school board meeting early because she had a crushing migraine headache. She did, however, leave on her own and not with the other two board members in the minority at the time. Migraine headaches, however, are not contagious and rarely fatal so the likelihood of two members getting migraines at the exact same time or one rushing the other to the ER is slim unless they both ate aged cheese (a known cause of migraines) at dinner. Gourmeltz does not serve aged cheese.
Tony Soprano. The Sopranos turns 25 in 2024, and to celebrate its silver jubilee, HBO is replaying every episode of the show on two different HBO channels. Episode “Pie-O-My” was playing on January 8, and it portrays Tony as a Horse Whisperer and capable of pathos. The website IMDb describes it as “another very strong reflective episode.”
Toni Morrison. Maybe they wanted to get home and finish reading Beloved by Toni Morrison because she didn’t win the Nobel Prize in Literature for nothing.
Galloping diarrhea. Another hazard of eating aged cheese (which Gourmeltz doesn’t serve).
Michigan and Washington were playing in the college football national championship game. I once skipped out on an HOA meeting as a board member to watch a national championship. I don’t think either of the board members attended either of the schools playing, but, like me, they could have sprinkled a little money on the point total over and wanted to watch. (Disclaimer: I was not “elected” to my HOA board. I happened to be at the meeting where the board was seated, and someone nominated me while I was in the bathroom. I took my board duties seriously unless it conflicted with a national championship or a Red Sox game. It was an unpaid position.)
Avoiding commuter traffic. School board meetings in Spotsylvania do tend to spill over into the next morning, especially now that there is a published agenda that they have to adhere to.
Cats. I have to tread carefully here because the position of cats in society has skyrocketed to near Cleopatra Egypt-like levels with my homegirl Taylor Swift’s well-documented affection for felines. During the peak of Covid when the reopening of schools and masking in schools was being discussed, board member Lisa Phelps expressed concern for how the pandemic was affecting her cat or cats. Some might argue that this concern minimized the death and suffering that Covid brought to the entire planet, but others might say she was simply being a responsible pet owner. It is entirely possible that Ms. Phelps and the other Board member had to go home to take care of cats or other pets requiring immediate care. My neighbor has an axolotl which often requires filtering of water to keep it healthy and reduce bloating. The board members who left early might have incompetent husbands just like my neighbor whose husband apparently can’t filter water to reduce axolotl bloat. (My neighbor’s husband, Tyrone, is an animal lover as evidenced by his refusal to catch fish despite fishing for 10-hour stretches.)
Lunar Lunacy. After the first few hours of the meeting with a new board, the two school board members realized that the moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter had aligned with Mars and peace would now guide the planet and were so overcome with optimism they ran off, hand in hand, singing “Aquarius” into the once dark Spotsylvania night.
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Food for thought, Drew. Food for thought.
Fake news! Fake news!
Based upon a quick review of Gourmeltz's online menu (because I've never been there and likely never will; since I don't willingly support scofflaws who get special treatment from the Governor when they put their community at risk),
AND cross referencing it with Wikepedia, (which is NEVER wrong) - I would like to enter the following into evidence:
The Sweet Pecan Chicken salad, which I would never eat unless starving, not only because it is being sold by an organization evidently not willing to follow health department guidelines, even in times of high death and morbidity - but because it has strawberries, and I despise strawberries like some folks despise Hillary Clinton.
Yet I digress, because the salient point is that it also CLEARLY includes Feta cheese.
A cheese that Wiki defines as "aged in brine".
And if such a source is good enough for a Harvard President, well, by Jimminy, it's good enough for me.
So Gourmeltz does serve Feta cheese.
Ergo, mass migraines and diarrhea are no longer eliminated as legitimate and plausible reasons for these good women's absence.
Plus, everybody knows the Moon was in the 8th house on January 8th.
C'mon man.
Else, how could Michigan have beaten Washington AND the spread?
Stealing signs?
That's impossible.