Sunday Books & Culture - It's Drew Time

Drew's leaving the Advance (not really, but he thinks he is). Where's he going? Why, Spotsylvania County Public Schools, of course! Read his cover letter below.

Photo by Andre Ouellet on Unsplash

Editor’s Note: After a mere three weeks as humorist for FXBG Advance, Drew called to inform me that he fully expects to be giving his notice once he is offered the Chief of Staff position for Spotsylvania Schools. To drive the point home, he asked that we publish his impeccable credentials instead of his usual column.

As a discerning editor with years of experience hiring hundreds of journalists, I knew right away this one had to be published - I know great writing when I see it, and this ain’t it, which I suppose is the point.

Everyone at FXBG Advance wishes you good luck, Drew. Seriously, we do. You’re going to need all the luck you can get. (Fear not dear reader, we gave Drew a raise - a $5 gift card to the beer section at WaWa. Look for him next week, and every week here after for the next 75 years. Talent - it’s hard to find, but cheap to keep around.) 

From: Drew Gallagher
To: Spotsylvania County School Board

Dear Board Members:

I am writing to ask that you consider my application for the recently vacated post of Chief of Staff for Spotsylvania County. My resume may be a bit boring when compared to that of Jon Russell who recently vacated the post after a year, so I’d like to offer some background information that might not be readily apparent on the attached resume.

Plus, if I’m being honest, I’m not entirely certain what the position entails, since it was created out of the blue by Superintendent Mark Taylor. And kudos to Mr. Taylor. He has chosen to leave County posts not once, but twice, and must believe that the third time is the charm. I’m sure the allure of an enormous salary not commensurate with his experience of leaving County positions multiple times helped, but I think it also shows a dedication to returning to a County against the will of the people and forging ahead with a vision shared by Kirk Cameron and children’s books penned by Hercules’ very own Kevin Sorbo! -- I s!@# you not.

Kevin Sorbo played Hercules on TV and wrote a children’s book. Can I say “s!@#” in a formal letter for employment? [From the editor: Uh, No, Drew, you can’t. Please leave the damn profanity out of your columns.]

If not, just chalk it up to someone hacking my Facebook page and writing that part of the letter. 

Will Mr. Taylor read this letter? Ha! Ha! Of course not. But I will take my duties seriously, and I assure you that if you hire me for the position of Chief of Staff, I will read letters such as this one AND emails from concerned parents and educators and not respond to any of them!

I don’t think I’ll neglect my duties, but since I’m not really sure what those duties might be, I can’t promise not to neglect some of them. But I think Mr. Taylor would understand and welcome me back to work after a long weekend rodeoing.

I hope you appreciate the “transition” I used above to lasso in my experience going to rodeos. According to Mr. Russell’s Linkedin page, running rodeos seems to be something he does, and I wanted to let you know that if I’m not at work on a Monday it’s because I, too, enjoy rodeoing on weekends. [Editor’s note to Spotsy Schools’ HR Director - Can this guy write, or what? Of course not, but HEY! An A for effort. And don’t blame me - I like Drew, and he works for cheap. I don’t want to lose him.]

And other than the Culpeper rodeo, which Mr. Russell has run for just over a year, most rodeos are not close enough to Spotsylvania so they might require travel and overnight stays. (Can I bill rodeo expenses to the County like conferences on conservatism since at both you’re pretty much hanging out with people wearing cowboy hats? That’s probably a better question for the interview though. So never mind.

Speaking of the interview, do you think there will be questions about rodeoing? Because I’ve never actually attended a rodeo let alone promoted one. But I do know that the singer Jewel once dated a rodeo cowboy and now she’s dating Kevin Costner. “Bull Durham” is one of my favorite movies. So go ahead and ask me about rodeos at the interview and then we can talk about “Bull Durham”.

Although I tried to do the Jewel song “You Were Meant for Me” one time at karaoke and boy did that not go well.)

I also noted that Mr. Russell runs a boxing club in Culpeper and has for just over a year. (Should I be concerned that a lot of my predecessor’s jobs and volunteer work seems to last for about a year? I’ve been in my same full-time job for 30 years now, and I’m worried that that kind of commitment might be frowned upon.)

Boxing is in my family’s blood! My Uncle Jim was once an amateur boxer before he became an educator and an artist because he was spilling a bit too much of the family blood in the ring. The last time I tried my hand at boxing was when some people took offense at my version of “You Were Meant for Me,” and I argued that karaoke did not require a “karaoke machine” and that our increased dependence upon machines and artificial intelligence was killing the American spirit and ruining our children.

In hindsight, I might have actually said: “You dumb redneck, when was the last time your kid read a book written by Kevin Sorbo?” But I really meant to say the thing about machines and artificial intelligence.

Another “gap” in my resume appears to be that I’ve never served on a city council anywhere in the continental United States let alone Washougal, Washington, which is arguably the “crossroads to discovery” in the Pacific Northwest. After serving the good people of Washougal, Mr. Russell moved all the way across the country to serve and save Culpeper in a similar capacity as a city councilman along with his duties as rodeo promoter and helping little kids learn how to punch each other in the face.

I’ve lived in Spotsylvania County for 21 years and have only moved once. When I snore I move to the guest bedroom sometimes, but that’s hardly Washougal to Culpeper. (I’m willing to move if necessary. Just don’t tell my wife who is a doctor. She’s actually a teacher and not really a doctor, but Jon Russell listed his wife “mistakenly” as a doctor in campaign literature in Washington.)

In 2016, I did knock on doors for Hillary Clinton and though she may have lost the national election and probably lost Spotsylvania too, I’m pretty confident that a woman who lives off Leavells Road probably voted for her after we discussed the evils of automation including society’s insistence that karaoke requires a karaoke machine. Peace out my hippie sister!

I thank you for your time and attention and look forward to hearing from you so we can talk about “Bull Durham” and author Kevin Sorbo.

Sincerely,

Drew Gallagher

Candidate for Chief of Staff 

[Editor’s note to Managing Editor Adele Uphaus - Did you recommend this guy? Oh, wait, Shaun and I did. That’s what you get for hiring a guy at the end of the bar.]

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