'Twas the Night Before a Fredericksburg Christmas

Poor Spotsylvania. If you don't laugh, you will most certainly cry.

by Shaun Kenney
COLUMNIST (and Poet Errant)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ‘Burg
Not a creature was reading — because books are absurd.

The banning was done in the dark, to be fair,
In the hopes that elections were soon to be near.

Such books were all shelved and previously unruffled,
Yet excerpts of EXPLETIVES DELETED were causing kerfuffles.

When Mark Taylor in his ski mask and Kirk Twigg with this cap,
Stole the offending books and made off quick snap!

Speeding down Rt. 3 at an epic 15 miles an hour,
They rushed to the chimney with scowls quite dour.

Away to the fire they stoked with panache,
They tore open books and declared it all trash.

“What’s this?!” they exclaimed, “These books are all rubbish!”
“There’s naughty bits and real life, this cannot be published!”

When what to our wondering eyes should appear,
Was Clay Jones with a pen and Marty Davis with a beer.

“You guys, this is bullshit” cried out our hero’s posse,
“Americans don’t ban books; who made you the Stasi?!”

More rapid than eagles, the criticism came,
And we whistled and mocked them and called them by name:

“Come on Twigg, come on Rahbi, come on Lisa and April,
Even Shaun Kenney can’t stand this, his opinions are papal!”

“This criteria bans Shakespeare and Dante and Chaucer!
Books should be read no matter the author!”

One wonders whether if they understood their own mess,
Heck — we are all left to wonder; THEY DON’T TALK TO THE PRESS.

Yet Taylor undaunted gave a tug on his sack,
And threw books to the fire in one great big stack.

And just at the moment when all hope seemed lost,
The voters of Spotsy made it clear they were crossed.

“On Jackson! On Cole! On Lorita! On Rodas!
On Medewar! Enough crazy! Enough with the quotas!”

And they voted Republican (in Spotsy at least),
Except for the School Board where book banners got greased.

They voted Republican, so easy — a breeze,
Durant and Orrock, Phil Scott and Bryce Reeves.

And in Stafford the reception for Democrats was frosty,
They even managed to pronounce Mayuou— Mayou— that commissioner of revenue guy.

Yet Democrats won the Assembly in Richmond, it’s true.
Proving Virginia is still a touch blue.

But the stories keep coming, and news must be told,
To keep politicians honest and bureaucrats in the fold.

There are congressional races to fill all the days,
City councils and supervisors and even EDAs.

Let’s not forget Biden and all the inflation,
And Trump and his endless stream of litigation.

Will 2024 be bigly and yuge?
Or will Biden fend off our postmodern Scrooge?

There’s developers and traffic and housing and schools,
Teachers and salaries — and plenty of fools.

Yet the problems are ours; solutions are too.
Treat one another kindly, there’s nothing we can’t do.

Democracy isn’t a four-letter word,
That why we should fight to make every voice heard.

Just remember: a good press doesn’t leave things to chance.
Merry Christmas to everyone from the Fredericksburg Advance!

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