Vote D&D! The Half-Elves Will Thank You
THE FXBG ADVANCE SUNDAY 8/2/26 AFTERNOON READ
By Drew Gallagher, ADVANCE COLUMNIST
The role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons is experiencing an unprecedented level of cultural popularity. No longer is it relegated to parent basements with virginal players clad in sweatpants and Rush concert t-shirts from the Moving Pictures Tour of 1981. It is, dare we say, finally cool, and it only took 50 years to get there.
This turn from dorky to dope has been helped by the vehicle that first gave birth to the world of 20-sided dice and Half-elves: imagination. One new trend has seen D&D used in political fundraising, with politics tapping into a desire by voters to not only be influenced but entertained when being solicited for their votes and their money, not in that order. Fundraisers advertise games in which opponents, or any unpopular figureheads, are the villain, and the quest a vibrant public spectacle focused on them being properly and savagely smited. Add a dragon and a cadre of orcs and you have political cover for running your opponent through with a broadsword.
So mote it be.
The fundraising aspect comes into play as politicians and their adventure party rise or fall from fortune’s favor via the rolling of the bones. You might not be convinced that your candidate’s press secretary, who recently graduated from UVA and wears a sweater vest, is going to be able to handle himself as a magician in a pitched battle against the forces of evil, so you pledge $50 to make him wiser and give him a longer beard because only Billy Bob Thornton can pull off a soul patch. For an additional $50 he can get a better wand that will not break every time he casts the Acid Arrow spell.
Or say an historically unpopular president is hiding deep in the Mines of Mar a Lago, sitting on a pile of treasure that he refuses to share with the peasants who elected him to the throne. He only emerges from his lair to play rounds of golf around his fiefdom where he’s surrounded by dire bodyguards with earpieces and sunglasses. He’s been gifted a golden eagle by the Kingdom of Qatar which he uses to accumulate more wealth, and if he’s allowed to continue in this unfettered fashion, his empire will know no bounds and the world as we know it (the D&D world, anyway) could cease to exist. For $1,000 you can be part of the quest to save the world from this tyrant. Your donation also gives you access to a VIP open bar and a meet and greet with a candidate for the state senate.
As one who played a lot of Dungeons & Dragons in Chris Malinowski’s kitchen when we were kids, I am heartened by the new role the game is playing on the world’s stage. It reminds me of a scientific study I once conducted in an effort to dispel some of the stigmas that were attached to playing a fantasy game without a board—instead of, say, going to the movies or feeling the touch of an actual woman.
And yes, women do play D&D, just as women can also be fans of Rush. But you don’t have to be a statistician to see that lines to the men’s room at a Rush concert are a lot longer than the lines to the women’s.
For my study, I contacted a number of people who I knew from my Dungeons & Dragons days, a great many of whom were none too excited that my lone memory of them was that they too had once played D&D. One even protested that he’d only played a couple of times during middle. He also claimed that Bill Clinton never inhaled.
The survey consisted of nine questions:
Are you a virgin? If not, have you ever yelled “Huzzah” during sex?
Number of Renaissance Faires you’ve attended?
Did you ever own a sword or light saber?
Favorite song by Rush?
Number of marriages?
Number of pairs of sweatpants you currently own? (This includes track pant.)
Did you earn a varsity letter in high school that was not for band or a non-sports-related activity?
Were you ever a member of any of the following high school clubs: AV, chess, math, debate, quiz bowl?
Do you remember any of your D&D character’s names? If so, what were they, and how did they come to be?
The responses were surprising, and proved that Dungeons & Dragons, despite public perception, has indeed been a gateway to success in life and in the bedroom.
Though respondents were explicit in their demands that their identities be kept confidential. As my friend Rich in California said, “With anonymity, I would be happy to participate, although I did not get very far with my chaotic neutral dwarf.”
(For those concerned that “Rich in California” is not truly anonymous, I should point out that there are thousands of people in California named Rich, and if you do an internet search for “Gallagher Humorist” and “Rich in California” together you’ll get a clip of the comedian Gallagher smashing watermelons.)
Almost all my respondents noted that they started playing D&D before or during middle school, and though they’d been virgins back then, now, as grown adults, most had children which should serve as proof of their virility, even if they did attend a Renaissance Faire or owned a light saber at some point in their past. On a disappointing side note, none admitted ever yelling “Huzzah” either during or after sex.
Another surprise from the survey was that some of the respondents admitted that not only did they not own Rush concert shirts, but said they action didn’t like the band at all. In fact, Craig from Florida appeared to be offended by the question: “I’m a huge Yes fan, and you can’t like both Rush and Yes,” he wrote. “Just like you can’t like both Messi and Ronaldo.”
My overall takeaway is that people who played Dungeons & Dragons are creative types as well as athletes who even played sports at the college level—if intramurals count. Many of those surveyed could recall the names of their favorite D&D characters more readily than the names of their second cousin’s kids. One character’s name, Jojoba, was pulled from a bath soap dispenser, while another, Proteus the Elf, came from a medical textbook. Llabesab was just “baseball” spelled backwards.
Dungeons & Dragons deserves this moment. A lot of fake blood was spilled getting here, and Jojoba, Proteus, and LLabesab need to know that they did not die in vain. Also, for a mere $500, your local candidate for school board can help you resurrect the three of them to fight another day against their opponent who wants to ban sweatpants in the county’s proposed new school dress code.
