Celebrate New Years? Why? (You're Going to Fail) How?
Our intrepid humorist Drew Gallagher -- star of bar stools up and down Caroline Street -- says to read more Kurt Vonnegut and buy a dog. It that doesn't work for you, he has other thoughts.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
As we bid farewell to 2024, there is much to reflect upon and much to look forward to in 2025. (And good riddance to 2024—I lost 9 inches of my colon and much of my soul after the Presidential election. Those were separate incidents.)
For readers of this column who said there was no way a newly-minted humorist could maintain such a high level of humor and entertainment throughout the year, you were correct. The level of humor and entertainment was never at a high level, but in 2025 I resolve to do better in some facets of my life (emphasis is the author’s). Recognizing that people who are much smarter than I am say that New Year’s resolutions can be a perilous proposition, I tread carefully into the future.
Dr. Christopher Kilmartin, an internationally recognized expert on gender, violence prevention, diversity and inclusion, and also a former Distinguished Visiting Professor at the United States Naval Academy and a former professor of psychology at The University of Mary Washington, said that making and keeping New Year’s resolutions is fraught with difficulty. (He did not opine on the difficulty in writing a full column on New Year’s resolutions, but I think we can safely assume that is even more difficult.)
“Habit strength is a tough thing to overcome,” said Kilmartin. “It reminds me of one of my favorite Simpsons’ episodes where Homer thinks he has 24 hours to live and when he doesn’t die he vows to make something of his life. The last scene is him sitting on the couch, watching bowling, and eating pork rinds.”
With Dr. Kilmartin’s warning to stay off the moors, I give you my list of New Year’s resolutions for 2025 (the list is a lot shorter than originally intended because Dr. Kilmartin’s background and accomplishments already chewed up a bit of my word count which was quite welcome because the fewer resolutions means the fewer opportunities for failure):
Write a column about New Year’s resolutions. Though this column will post in 2024, the intention was to fulfill a resolution for 2025 so I’m counting it. I always find that beginning a new year with one resolution already in the win column is a lot easier than joining a gym. (Actually, joining a gym is particularly easy—it’s going that requires more dedication.)
Become a better field hockey ball boy. I pride myself on finding gaps in our cultural heritage that I’m able to fill through selfless dedication that conveniently shows itself when I happen to already be on site (I’m not big on extended travel for filling in gaps in our cultural heritage). Such an opportunity arose in the fall of 2024 when I noted that most JV field hockey games did not have ball girls or ball boys to help expedite the play when a ball rolls out of bounds. Of course, it does not make sense for the varsity players to fill this role because they are preparing for their game which immediately follows the JV game. So I volunteered to be a ball boy in an effort to help the run of play and keep the poor JV players from having to run 30 extra yards to get an errant ball. I felt that I improved during the course of the season and was more than a little disappointed when I was not named to the All-District Ball Boy team (even as an honorable mention). The athletic director at Chancellor High School swears he put my name in for consideration, but I am skeptical based upon how doubled over he was with laughter. In 2025, I intend to not leave any question in the minds of the Battlefield District Athletic Directors as to what an All-District Ball Boy looks like.
Play in a Kazoo Band. I missed my first opportunity in 2024 when a previously scheduled event conflicted with the Halloween parade in downtown Fredericksburg and I was unable to march with my kazoo-blowing brethren. Be strong, my brothers and sisters, and know that if this opportunity arises again in 2025 I will be there blowing like the walls of Jericho were standing before us.
Spend more time at the Card Cellar. The Card Cellar is the first and, to this point, only sponsor of my column. (Advertiser Alert: If you are a local business looking for fawning mentions of you and your business, or an international conglomerate looking to launder cash, consider sponsoring the FXBG Advance humor column in 2025 for a very reasonable monthly rate. Rates may vary depending upon what level of business crime you are trying to conceal.) Truthfully, the only thing that could make the Card Cellar better would be beer to sit on the clever beer coasters they sell. A visit to the Card Cellar is like a trip back into my childhood version of utopia with sports cards, arcade games, and candy. (Well, not candy at the moment because Bart had to put the candy bowl away because he was eating all of it himself. But if you buy a T-206 Cy Young for $7,000 I’m sure he’d throw in a baby Snickers too.) Sports cards though are only a small percentage of their business. The biggest seller at the Card Cellar is socks (and not Red or White Sox). I do not believe that any local surveys have been conducted on the largest sock seller in downtown Fredericksburg, but I believe it is likely the Card Cellar. Seriously, it’s like Field of Dreams for socks but cheaper and you don’t have to drive to Iowa and find parking in a cornfield.
Add Secretary of Levity to the Professional Vita. It may be ambitious to want to play in a kazoo band AND be offered a cabinet position by a Virginia Governor in the same calendar year, but as Supertramp often sang to me: “Dreamer, you stupid little dreamer, so now you put your head in your hands, oh no!” Many of us put our head in our hands after the November election, but now we have to get out of the fetal position and work for a better world and starting with Abigail Spanberger as the next Governor of Virginia seems like a good place to begin. Whether or not she sees the need for a Secretary of Levity or a humorist to punch up speeches with lyrics from 1970s bands that will likely not resonate with younger voters, I believe that Governor Spanberger has a nice ring to it and would be a great thing for Virginia.
Remember to read Kurt Vonnegut: “And how should we behave during this Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don't already have one.”
Happy New Year to all! (I do miss the pear drop.)
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