Digitus Infamous
This week our resident humorist, Drew Gallagher, explores the origins of flipping the bird, mastering proper form, and its many modern uses.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
(Note to Readers: Reading this column will likely change your understanding of the world and fundamentally alter how you interact within the said world. You are unlikely to ever watch an R-rated movie or premium channel TV show in the same way. You may start to question lifelong friendships and wonder if you were adopted.)
THE FXBG ADVANCE DENIES ALL LIABILITY AND RESPONSIBILITY IF YOUR WORLD VIEW IS TRANSFORMED, FUNDAMENTALLY OR OTHERWISE, BY THIS COLUMN.
My friend and neighbor, Tyrone, played football at James Madison University. And by played, I mean that he actually played the majority of defensive snaps on the D-line for three years and was not someone you generally wanted to mess with on or off the football field. I try to give him the middle finger whenever I see him.
The use of this gesture as a form of recognition among next-door neighbors is actually borne of friendship rather than any ill will. I drive by many people going in and out of our subdivision, and I wave casually to one and all. But on the occasions when I’m passing by Tyrone, I wanted to take special notice of the moment and giving him the bird seemed appropriate. He, of course, returns the gesture which makes neither of our wives happy. His 9-year-old finds it titillating and a bit confounding. Whether or not the faculty and staff at Battlefield Elementary School appreciate this changing of the narrative remains to be seen.
(Some readers might be concerned that their world view remains, fundamentally, unchanged at this point in the column, but I wanted to afford the readers one last opportunity to deboard in Ireland before we sail across the Atlantic and into the iceberg that is how to give the middle finger.)
Tyrone was, by most measures, a tremendous athlete as evidenced by his recent induction into the Chancellor High School Athletic Hall of Fame. Despite this innate athleticism, Tyrone cannot give the middle finger properly. This was a troubling development in our friendship, but ultimately it led to a much deeper discovery and a universal failing that is not Tyrone’s alone. Many people do not know how to properly give the middle finger.
The middle finger as symbol should be quite simple — all uninvolved fingers retreat into the palm, so the middle finger can stand high and alone with its salute. However, when Tyrone gives the middle finger, it looks more like the shadow puppet dog we all attempted on the last day of school before Christmas break at the end of a film when the screen went white. There are knuckles sticking way too far up and his thumb juts out to the side like the hammer on a pistol.
I introduced this middle finger dilemma at a recent field hockey tournament when I gave two of the coaches the finger in between games just as a talking point and not as a criticism of my daughter’s playing time. One of the coaches said that she was familiar with the Tyrone School of Middle Finger and said that dumbasses like Tyrone (I’m paraphrasing) made it look more like the state of West Virginia, so she always used it as a teaching tool to locate Morgantown and Charleston. The other coach said that my way of producing a lone middle finger was the correct way of doing it and that it originated during the Battle of Agincourt in 1415 when the archers on the battlements made the gesture to the onrushing enemy to show that their bow fingers were still intact and were therefore lethal.
Alas, the Agincourt theory has been disproven by the simple fact that ancient Romans were using the gesture hundreds of years earlier whenever traffic became problematic on the Appian Way. To verify the origins of the middle finger, I reached out to Latin Scholar and former Mary Washington College graduate Rob Epler seeking clarity on the classical origins of the finger.
“The satirist Juvenal makes a reference to what I think he calls the ‘bad finger’ but doesn’t specify that it’s the middle finger. My understanding of the gesture is that the extended middle finger represents an erect penis and the other curled fingers represent the testicles so it’s a pretty straight visualization of ‘f**k yourself’.”
If we are to believe Mr. Epler’s interpretation of the ‘bad finger’, and he holds an advanced degree in classic languages from the University of Georgia so I see no reason not to believe him, then Tyrone’s middle finger representation probably needs to see a urologist. Rob also helpfully reminded me that no person in the world has ever given me the finger more than my college girlfriend, Sara, and she always made sure the middle finger was a solo act and would often accompany the gesture with what might now be considered “text to voice” for the utmost clarity.
Tyrone is certainly not alone in not knowing his antiquity and how to give the finger. Charles “Old Hoss” Radbourn, a baseball pitcher in the 1800s who still holds the record for most wins in a season with 60, is believed to be the first person ever photographed giving the finger when he was captured flipping the bird in an 1886 team photo as a member of the Boston Beaneaters before a game with the New York Giants. “Old Hoss” utilizes the knuckle inclusion in his gesture although he does not extend the eastern thumb of West Virginia like Tyrone.
The finger has been presented for centuries and has been captured in Hollywood for nearly 100 years, and the fact that there is no universal way of utilizing this fun and easy obscene gesture can sometimes overshadow the action in the world or on the screen. If you accidentally cut someone off on I-95 and they give you the ‘West Virginia,’ does that mean that they deserved to be cut off and pitied because they did not know their Juvenal? Is Tom Cruise, as Maverick in “Top Gun,” less daring because he gives the Russian pilot the finger with too much knuckle showing? Sure, Goose dies tragically, but did he want to die of embarrassment long before then?
The middle finger may be the most universal symbol of all. One could argue that the peace sign is more popular and family friendly, but the outstretched two fingers can also mean victory or, in Shel Silverstein’s poetry, “two hamburgers please.” And perhaps it is the very fact that the gesture does allow some individualization and creativity that makes it so much fun to use. I can almost guarantee that as you read this column, you performed the gesture at some point just as my editors do when they read most of my columns and realize we’ll never find another sponsor at this rate.
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