Game On!
Varsity baseball season must be back, because Coach Drew has his accountability pen out today, replete with dripping sarcastic ink. Today's target? Parents and their my-baby-should-never-lose child.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
There has been a movement in the past few years by educators and psychologists to instill bumpers on our children to make certain they are poised for success and do not experience any sort of hardship as they become adults who think that online gaming is a career choice. (The bumpers also assure them that they will never know the pain of a 7-10 split in the 8th frame.) Some cold-hearted skeptics have referred to this generation as the “trophy generation” because every participant gets a trophy, so they can all go to Rita’s after a winless season and feel especially good about themselves as they put Gummi Bears and Sprinkles on their frozen concoctions. If one child fails, we have failed as a society.
In these modern times, if students do not complete a test or an assignment they no longer get a zero but rather a 50 because a zero could make the student think that the hole they have dug for themselves in Intro to Macrame is a grave instead of an opportunity to improve. Yet, there is one segment of a child’s development that still insists upon winners and losers, and it is in need of desperate change before our children retreat into a shell that not even Billie Eilish on repeat can pull them from. That final frontier in preserving the egos and spirits of our tender children is board games.
I have identified a few popular games and offered easy ways to add bumpers that are sure to make the good people at Hasbro wonder why there is only magna cum laude on my college diploma.
Monopoly—Go to Jail! This punishment has never seemed commensurate with the crime of an unfortunate dice roll. This isn’t propositioning an undercover cop after a rough night at the tables even if Monopoly is set in Atlantic City. I decree that going forward the roller, instead of spending a few days in the hoosegow, should Go to Beach. It’s only a few steps away from Boardwalk and Park Place and is not a burden on the taxpayers of the Garden State. Just remember to wear sunscreen.
Chutes and Ladders—No more chutes. First of all, the word “Chute” can be confusing to a child and cause them future turmoil if they participate in a school spelling bee (which should allow supportive parents in the audience to mouth the spelling of words to spellers for the first five rounds). Typically, when a player lands on a chute they say “Shoot.” The different spellings can be confounding, and what kind of parent would ever allow their child to slide down a chute or sliding board that runs the entire vertical length of a game board? That’s a closed head injury waiting to happen. Sure, the game Ladders might not have the same cache, but in Ladders, children only climb upward.
Hungry, Hungry Hippos—Gordon Gekko may have thought that “greed is good” but that’s no reason for fat shaming. This game needs a name change and not least because “hippo” has become a term of derision. “Modest Proportion Eating River Horses” sounds a lot more palatable, and in this version you play with one marble per participant. (An initial prescription of Ozempic should help with any hippo withdrawal as they portion down to one marble per sitting). Once your River Horse gets their marble, they swim off into the muddy shoals and sunbathe until everyone eats their one marble, and they all then laze around talking about their hopes and dreams and let birds alight on their beach body bellies.
Jigsaw Puzzles—One piece.
Sorry—This game breeds insincerity. Sending your opponent back home should be an option not an obligation. Simply make the board spaces more spacious and inviting (add a fern maybe) and big enough to accommodate up to 4 game pieces. A more sincere way of teaching children manners would be: “Sorry, May I Share Life’s Journey With You Without Intruding On Your Personal Space?” The name might be inelegant, but no one has to run home crying with snot running down their nose and greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Life—Whoa! Sure divorce and unwanted pregnancy are not presented in the actual game, but if the family sedan takes that plastic bridge a little too fast because Dad thinks 10 miles over the posted speed limit is legal and Mom thinks getting there a minute earlier does not matter and, anyhow, she has to pee because those two kids in the backseat did a number on her bladder, and Mom happens to be ejected from the car then ages 8 and up might have some questions. And who the hell is giving $1,000 to friends just because they are getting married? Where is the four-layered cake? Where is dancing to A-Ha’s Take On Me while punching the sky like Billy Idol? Does the college take my AP credits or do I have to score a 3 or higher on the test? Does my choice to pursue a trade career involve a union? Are union dues less than the $1,000 I have to fork over every time a friend gets married? And yes, I saw there was a McDonald’s at that exit, but it said it was 1.6 miles off the interstate and you can hold your pee for one more exit. Are you taking notes Parker Bros?
Risk—Have we learned nothing from The First Barbary War? Why is world domination necessary or even a concept? Feeding and housing an ever-growing army requires money and bodies. Three Madagascar movies may have proven that penguins are clever, but they don’t offer the necessary tax base needed to repel a marauding invasion of green pieces off Africa’s southeastern coast. The United States did away with conscription in 1973, but as the family sits around the dining room table and Dad takes Kamchatka and, in the next round, marches into Irkutsk with baby sister not even bothering to roll her dice because she wants to watch Paw Patrol, what child does not start to wonder about their draft number and if Crocs can give them bone spurs by the time they turn 18. The true takeaway from Risk is learning which countries do not have an extradition agreement with the United States. Risk should be about vacation destinations and taking some of the money you got from telling your friends you were getting married in the game of Life to check out the Seychelles. Seychelles also has penguins, but unfortunately does not have a Rita’s. (Eden Island does have a Popsey though in case your kid loses a parks and rec soccer game while vacationing in the Seychelles.)
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