Happy New Year! (Advice for Successful Resolutions from Your Local Humorist)
In a move to set "modest" New Year's Resolutions, Drew dropped the marathon and instead carved out 35 resolutions that could be accomplished in 48 hours. He's 34 for 35.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Mental health professionals suggest that all New Year’s resolutions should be modest and attainable, and further studies have suggested that most resolutions are forgotten or dismissed by the middle of January. Taking that advice to heart, I am holding off on writing the Great American novel or training for a marathon in 2026. Instead, I compiled a list of New Year’s resolutions for 2026 that will not be abandoned in a few weeks because I rock!
New Year’s Resolutions for 2026
Give my wife a kiss in 2026. (Resolved 1/1/26, 12:01 AM)
Drink a beer with my good friend Tyrone in the first hour of 2026. (Resolved 1/1/26, 12:10 AM)
Drink a beer with my good friend Megan in the first hour of 2026. (Resolved 1/1/26, 12:10AM)
Drink a second beer with my good friend Tyrone in the first hour of 2026. (Resolved 1/1/26 12:35 AM)
Argue with my good friend Tyrone in the first hour of 2026 about who should go out into the freezing garage and get our second beers of 2026. (Resolved 1/1/26 12:34 AM)
Have my good friend Megan leave my house without saying goodnight or drinking a second beer in 2026 which was probably while I was arguing with Tyrone. (Resolved 1/1/26 c. 12:34AM)
Make my good friend Tyrone unplug the outside Christmas lights when he leaves because I went into the freezing garage to get our second beers of 2026, and my need to be a ‘good host’ ends as soon as he walks out the front door so he can unplug the lights on the front porch. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:05AM)
Try to give my wife a second kiss of 2026 and be asked if I unplugged the exterior Christmas lights. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:15AM)
Assuring my wife that I unplugged the exterior Christmas lights (Resolved 1/1/26 1:15AM)
Swearing to my wife that I unplugged the exterior Christmas lights and her asking why she can still see them glowing from our bedroom window. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:16AM)
Taking my first walk of 2026 to unplug the exterior Christmas lights and giving the finger to Tyrone’s dark house next door. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:18AM)
Trying to warm my cold feet up on my wife’s warm legs. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:25AM)
Checking out the mattress in the guest room. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:30AM)
Peeing in the middle of the night not because I want to get out of the warm guest bed but because after I turned off the exterior Christmas lights, I was cold and ran back to bed to put my cold feet on my wife without bothering to use the bathroom after a night of much hydration. (Resolved 1/1/26 3:45AM)
Not answering my cell phone when my dumb sister calls at 8 AM, a mere six hours after I went to bed and had hydrated…a lot. (Resolved 1/1/26, 8 AM)
Going for my second morning walk of 2026. (Resolved 1/1/26 8:45 AM)
Learning new things like that there is no print copy of the Free Lance-Star on a holiday. (Resolved 1/1/26 8:45AM)
Realizing that a morning walk can consist of nothing more than going down the driveway to get the morning paper that is not there when the ‘feels like’ temperature is 27. (Resolved 1/1/26 8:46 AM)
Exploring new things like going to the canned vegetable aisle at Weis looking for sauerkraut. (Resolved 1/1/26 10:30AM, I usually go to the Giant canned vegetable aisle)
Calling my sister and asking her why the hell she thought I might answer my phone at 8 AM on New Year’s Day after a night of hydration. (Resolved 1/1/26 10:45 AM)
Not showering before noon. (Resolved 1/1/26 12:01PM)
Watching all three college football bowl games without interruption. (UNRESOLVED—SEE BELOW)
Putting away all the Christmas decorations during the first half of the Orange Bowl. (Resolved 1/1/26 12:45PM)
Being okay with not resolving all of my New Year’s resolutions for 2026 because some of them might really piss my wife off. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:10PM)
Putting the Christmas tree lights on the colored lights fading in and out which is really annoying to my wife because she cost me one of my resolutions for 2026, and I feel like I am already a failure and the year is not even a day old. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:30PM)
Turning the Christmas tree lights back to solid white unless I want to put the Christmas tree away right then and there. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:35PM)
Rubbing my wife’s feet because I don’t want to take the Christmas tree down during the second half of the Orange Bowl. (Resolved 1/1/26 1:45PM)
Taking a nap during the second half of the Orange Bowl because Texas Tech looks like they are a much worse football team than JMU, and Oregon is curb stomping them. (Resolved 1/1/26 2:30PM)
Getting a text from my former good friend Tyrone asking if he left his JMU hat there last night which woke me up from my first nap of 2026. (Resolved 1/1/26 3:45PM)
Seeing Tyrone’s JMU hat on the back of a chair and texting him back that I have not seen it just like he must not have seen that the Christmas lights were still on when he went inside his house last night. (Resolved 1/1/26 3:48PM)
Asking my wife if the trash comes tomorrow. (Resolved 1/1/26 3:50PM)
Putting Tyrone’s JMU hat in the trash can and rolling it out to the end of the driveway. (Resolved 1/1/26 4 PM)
Cooking hot dogs and sauerkraut without lighting a candle which my wife and daughter quickly remedy by lighting every candle they received for Christmas. (Resolved 1/1/26 5:10PM)
Finally taking a shower because there is no way I am ever sharing a bed with my wife again if I smell of sauerkraut. (Resolved 1/1/26 5:45PM)
Writing a New Year’s column that is nothing more than listing all the things I did on New Year’s Day. (Resolved 1/2/26 11:36AM).
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