HUMOR: Eraser
Drew looks through his published work for "eraser phrases."
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
I have a few friends with the uncanny ability to make me think about things that I had never given much thought to. One of those friends is Chris Kilmartin, who long ago made me think about why I tried cognac for the first time on my 21st birthday. My body—and the three suitemates I shared a bathroom with at Mary Washington College—all agreed it was a terrible idea.
More recently, and involving a lot less projectile vomiting, Kilmartin made me think about April 15th and National Eraser Day. (Surprisingly, National Eraser Day is not June 21st when the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie by the same name was released in 1996,and obviously still resonates with viewers today based upon the 43% Rotten Tomatoes rating which easily outpaces Jingle All The Way at 20%.)
National Eraser Day is set aside to honor multiple individuals who made mistakes correctable before there was autocorrect.
The four European scientists who share in the glory that is the rubber eraser are remembered in order of how cool their names are: Frenchman Charles Marie de la Condamine, Portuguese Jean Hyacinthe de Magellan, and Englishmen Edward Nairne and Joseph Priestley. (Of note: The Strait of Magellan is not named for Jean and neither is the flower hyacinth, but if I was writing that in a school essay in pencil I’d be able to erase it, thanks to him.)
Some of the eraser’s greatest moments have been “erased” from history because this unsung hero was never credited with helping to improve the Gettysburg Address or the Declaration of Independence. Members of the Continental Congress were able to spend most of their time in Philadelphia on a two-week bender because they knew Thomas Jefferson could correct the document before someone had to deliver it to England (Not it!).
Unfortunately, the eraser has not always been employed for revolution or the betterment of mankind, and recently, it has taken on a more sinister role in how we communicate as a society. The term “eraser” can now be used to refer to phrases that start or end a statement to forgive or soften the statement.
Kilmartin, a retired professor who once upon a time graded exams that were written in pencil, defines it as: “An eraser phrase is a few words placed at the beginning or end of a sentence that allows the speaker to abdicate responsibility for offensive and/or prejudicial speech and also reduce the chances that listeners will confront them.”
This revelation caused me to review much of my own work and determine if I have ever been guilty of using eraser phrases in the pages of the FXBG Advance. Fortunately, I did not find an overabundance or reliance upon such phrasing and can now seek atonement for the following phrases that have appeared in previous columns. Special thanks to Condamine, Magellan, Nairne, and Priestly for making this gift possible to the valued subscribers of the FXBG Advance.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really think that if my parents had not screwed up my first name in the same hospital where Taylor Swift was born and had named me David, I would be as popular as Sedaris or Barry.” (I once covered the Miss Teen Pennsylvania pageant for the Reading Eagle newspaper, and a contestant told me she thought “Drew Gallagher” sounded very erudite. Although she did not say it, or win the pageant, I could tell she thought David Gallagher would have sounded even more erudite.)
“Not to be racist, but I don’t really think the fish that my neighbor Tyrone is not catching in weekend bass tournaments are avoiding his bait because he is Black. In my limited experience with fish, I don’t think they see race. I think they see that he sucks as a fisherman.”
“I don’t want to brag, but I really think I am the best humorist writing for a substack based in Fredericksburg that runs on Sundays, and if my editors would get off their asses and submit my column on bisexual dolphins, I’d have a Virginia Press Award by now. No offense to my incredibly hard-working editors or their asses.” (Eraser phrases can appear at the beginning or end of a statement. In the capable hands of a humorist, they can appear at both the beginning and end, but do not try this at home.)
“With all due respect, readers love reading Donnie Johnston, but I could have taken a bus to Pittsburgh as a teenager to interview the Beatles and not stay for the concert, but I hadn’t been born yet…in the same hospital where Taylor Swift was born. So what if he’s hit a couple of bad golf shots in his life. Big deal. We don't need 250 words about it. Tyrone can vouch that there have been many times where I’ve said ‘hold my beer and watch this golf shot’, and after I hit the shot there is generally only one or two words necessary to capture the result and none of those words are suitable for a column that my mother-in-law reads on occasion. And when I say ‘hold my beer’, Tyrone literally has to hold my beer or I’d be swinging with one hand which actually might have worked out better.”
“I have to be honest with you, I really like the New Dominion Podcast, but the fact that they have not invited the number one humorist in Virginia (writing for a Substack based in Fredericksburg that runs on Sundays) on the Podcast seems like an opportunity missed. Or, to be even more honest, seems like an opportunity not simply missed but shanked, like one of my golf shots when Tyrone is holding my beer and not catching fish.”
“I would never say this out loud, but I think if I had been writing this incredibly inventive and funny column for the Free Lance-Star, I, too, would have been fired by Lee Enterprises, just like Donnie Johnston and Steve DeShazo. Even if I don’t have a much-deserved VPA award yet. No offense to my editors or their asses of course.”
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