HUMOR: “Master of the house, doling out the charm / Ready with a handshake and an open palm….”
The Donald loves Les Mis (makes you wonder, doesn't it), and he's bringing it to the Kenndy Center (soon to be renamed, no doubt, with a bust of Donald on top). Yeah - Drew has a few thoughts ...
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
NOTE FROM PRODUCTION MANAGER OF THE NEW AND IMPROVED KENNEDY CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS:
The few staff remaining at the Kennedy Center for The Performing Arts are excited to stage the Victor Hugo classic “Les Misérables”. This award-winning musical first hit Broadway in 1987 and ran for 16 years which cemented its status as a classic of musical theatre. There have been innumerable touring productions since that time, and the play and its music have become beloved by many including the greatest president in the storied history of the United States, Donald K. Trump.
As President Trump mentioned in a recent Board of Trustees meeting, he does indeed love “Les Mis” but felt that the musical was showing its age just like Joe Biden, who did not win the 2020 election. We whole-heartedly agreed and told him we would love nothing more than to make some cosmetic adjustments to the musical score to better reflect our modern times. (When we said “cosmetic adjustments” he asked if we could give Fantine an enormous rack, and we all good-naturedly laughed at his joke until he pointed out that he was not joking because who is going to sleep with a prostitute without big cans like Stormy Daniels? Those assembled all agreed the man is a pioneering visionary of the American stage just like Joe Papp before him.) We are sure that you will love this new version of “Les Mis” as much as you loved the original. Maybe even more!
ACT ONE
“Prologue: Work Song”—Our first look at the scoundrel Juan Valjean as he bemoans stealing a dozen eggs because they are so cheap and did not think anyone would miss them. A libtard judge agrees with him and sets him free but our intrepid prison guard, Javance, vows to send him back to whichever Central American country has room.
“Prologue: Juan Valjean Arrested/ Juan Valjean Forgiven”—Like all immigrants, Juan Valjean gets out of jail and steals immediately. He is caught by Javance, but the libtard Bishop who Juan Valjean steals from will not press charges because he is worried about Juan Valjean’s fellow gang members killing him out of revenge.
“Prologue: What Have I Done?”—Juan Valjean realizes that Javance is not the clueless hillbilly he purported to be in his best-selling memoir so he changes his name and his address to avoid capture like all sneaky immigrants.
“At the End of the Day”—Fast forward eight years and Juan Valjean has continued to elude ICE agents under the Biden administration because they suck. He becomes the owner of a bodega and Fantine, with a bosom busting out of her uniform, works for him. Her fellow male employees sexually harass her, but this is to be expected because of the slutty way she dresses.
“I Dreamed a Dream”—This ballad sung by “Fantine the Slut” laments the fact that she has never been uncomfortably alone in a hotel room with President Trump or Rudy Giuliani despite her amazing breasts.
“Lovely Ladies”—Because Fantine already dresses like a prostitute she becomes one and gets into trouble when a Republican donor offers to pay her with Bitcoin instead of cash. Fantine becomes enraged because she does not understand how Bitcoin works and has a confrontation with the Republican donor. Juan Valjean attempts to separate the two and, in so doing, gets the attention of Javance and ICE.
“Who Am I”—Juan Valjean has changed his name so many times to avoid returning to jail that he forgets his real name.
“Come to Me”—Fantine is heartsick that she did not have the foresight to appreciate Bitcoin as an alternate form of currency and dies. With her dying breath, she begs her former boss, Juan Valjean, to please take care of her bastard child, Cosette, because he already has so many kids, what's one more mouth to feed?
“Master of the House”—Because Juan Valjean already cannot feed all his children or pay child support, he sends Cosette to a couple who have been milking the welfare system for decades. He figures they can use the orphan to get even more money out of the Democrats.
“Look Down”—We fast forward a few years to the Trump presidency and find that prisoners are now housed in Alcatraz, and when they look down all they can see is the unforgiving San Francisco Bay and lots of sharks. Any embers of revolution are extinguished before they can erupt into flames.
“Stars”—Javance pensively wonders if his boss sees him as a failure, just like Elon Musk, since he has not been able to arrest Juan Valjean. Javance wants nothing more than to be a “Star” just like his boss and Kirk Cameron.
“Red and Black”—The prisoners of Alcatraz wonder what their revolution would have looked like if not for the Trump administration’s crackdown on immigration where we no longer have Red and Black people in our beautiful country. Only in our prisons.
“Do You Hear the People Sing?”—The short answer is “no”. Alcatraz Island is so far from the mainland that even if the prisoners started to sing inspiring numbers the only people who could hear them would be the guards and the sharks in the surrounding water. The stage is silent for this number to underscore the genius of reopening Alcatraz.
“A Heart Full of Love”—This rousing number to end Act One is sung by a chorus of very attractive women in revealing outfits who, to this point in the storyline, had no presence but now want the world to know that they have hearts full of love for President Trump and would be open to sleeping with him all at once or individually.
ACT TWO
“One Day More”—Sung by the ensemble, this stirring opener to Act Two has most of the cast sing about how lucky they are to have another day under the Trump Administration, and when his term ends, maybe Congress can give us all “one day more” or, even better, four more years.
“On My Own”—Javance reminds the audience that he was nothing before President Trump made him a guard, tasked solely with capturing immigrants like Juan Valjean. Nothing is more important to him than pleasing Trump, including his wife and kids.
“Little People”—This song underscores the fact that just because a man has “little” hands does not mean he has a small penis. (Lyrically uninspired, but lots of smallish hands making indistinguishable shadow puppets.)
“Drink With Me”—Javance enlists Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, in song, to help him capture Juan Valjean after he has eluded capture for all these years, but Hegseth will only agree to help Javance if they go get fall-down drunk together.
“Bring Him Home”—Sung by Mrs. Pete Hegseth who can’t reach her husband after he went out on a bender with Javance.
“Javance’s Suicide”—Once Hegseth sobers up, he suggests to Javance that he should kill himself for failing to capture Juan Valjean after all these years. Javance runs out to buy a gun at Wal-Mart only to find Juan Valjean is now working there. Javance, seizing his destiny, shoots and kills Juan Valjean along with a few other immigrant workers who he was told were eating cats and dogs on their lunch break.
“Juan Valjean’s Death”—Juan nods solemnly at Javance as his last bit of life blood leaks onto the floor of the Wal-Mart. He sings to Javance telling him that he now realizes he should have stayed in the “shithole” country where he was born like all people who are not fortunate enough to be born in the USA just like Bruce Springsteen said.
“Do You Hear the People Sing?”—Another silent number to underscore again that sending prisoners to Guantanamo and reopening Alcatraz was the work of a very stable genius. Those cast members who have not died bow on one knee as a majestic picture of President Trump wearing a crown is shown upstage and these same cast members sob uncontrollably as the Kennedy Opera House bursts into applause.
CURTAIN
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Drew, I recognize your grasp of important musical theatre, and fervently pray to Bitcoin that President D. K. (I never new “John” was spelled with a silent K) Trump asks you to remake the failing, uninspired ’Hamilton’. Complete with salacious cheerleaders, please.