HUMOR: Past Tense
Think 2025 was a bummer? Well, it was. But take heart, there were some upsides to the year, and Drew is here to tell you his. Wanna bet Abigail Spanberger calling him "funny" is one of them?
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
With the exception of a drug lord and a few other pardoned prisoners, I think most people would agree that 2025 was a bit of a shit show.
I think there was a general awareness by the 48.3% of American voters who did not vote for “The Trump Revenge Tour” that there might be some mild destruction of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but neither Putin nor Rasputin could have anticipated regime change to look so much like oligarchy in less than a year. If you possessed this degree of prescience, then I hope you are enjoying the many splendors of Norway on your retirement savings that were not decimated by the Melania Trump cryptocurrency coin. Gratulerer! (Which is Norwegian for congratulations and not a profanity I thought I could get by my editors.)
But here at the Advance humor column, we try to find the four-leaf clovers in a field of data centers. We don’t, however, spend a lot of time looking for four-eyed fish in our waterways because the assumption is that this will take a fertility cycle or two to come to fruition. Without further ado, my personal highlights from 2025 … in no particular order.
When Abigail Spanberger’s tour bus pulled into Fredericksburg on an exceedingly hot day in the summer of 2025, few knew that they were witnessing history. Sure, Spanberger went on to win the governorship in a November landslide making her the first woman in the history of the Commonwealth to become Governor, but she also answered a question during a press conference from a humorist. This was a historic first based upon a cursory Google search. There are some that would argue that the first humorist to attempt this feat was a Virginia colonist, who upon hearing future Governor Patrick Henry on the campaign trail declare “Give me liberty, or give me death”, raised his hand and offered: “You can have both if you if just head over to the brothel down the street and ask for Liberty. Tell them Ezekiel sent you.” The colonist severely misjudged his audience and was placed in a pillory where he was pelted with large white eggs that cost less than $5.00 a dozen.
I saw F1: The Movie in an actual theatre with my brother Tommy and Tyrone. Seeing Brad Pitt shirtless gave me something to aspire to in the seven years I have until I am the same age he was when he filmed the role. After the movie, Tyrone pointed out that Brad Pitt probably did not get that muscled chest and those sculpted abs by drinking pints at J. Brian’s, but he quickly rescinded that comment when I asked him how many pints of beer Brad Pitt ever bought him at J. Brian’s.
The Chancellor High School field hockey team came up just short in their quest for a state championship by losing to eventual state champion Gloucester in the state semifinals. It was a magical season that saw Hall of Fame coach Jim Larkin win his 450th career game and my daughter lead the team in penalty minutes for the fourth straight season. But most importantly, I was voted the best JV ball girl in the Battlefield District for the second year running. (Running is specifically excluded in my ball girl contract.) I even got my name spraypainted into the grass near the stadium entrance along with all of the other senior players. It was a humbling moment and one I wished both my parents had been alive to witness. I tended that patch of spraypainted earth like it was hallowed ground until it rained the next day, and you could barely make out my name.
The year 2025 will soon be in the past tense which is also the name of the hit single from the band Salt Hill that was released this year on Spotify and CD. Past Tense made me a lyricist if not quite a millionaire, but each time you play it on your music streaming services it brings me one step closer to the dream of being independently wealthy on song residuals just like Falco and Psy before me.
My prodigal son graduated from Christopher Newport University in May and did not move home which I assumed meant I could turn his bedroom into a podcast studio for me and Tyrone, but apparently that was not how my wife responded to his matriculation which I told her would have been nice to know before spending a few thousand dollars on eBay from a vendor who does not accept returns. My son’s graduation was quite amazing too because I assumed there would be some sort of fine for losing your PO Box key during your first semester and never opening your PO Box again despite it being stuffed with cookies and other confectionaries sent by his loving grandmother.
Speaking of podcasts, the New Dominion podcast ran out of interesting guests in 2025 and asked me onto the platform for reasons that I still think they regret. I took Tyrone with me, and he served as comic foil and drinking companion for a night where we ended up at J. Brian’s in a celebratory mood and there was no mention of Brad Pitt’s upper body workouts. We did vow to start our own podcast immediately and ordered assorted equipment while seated at the bar which added to an ever-growing list of mistakes made while drinking Falcon Smash.
And lastly, though it may not be as impressive as winning the most games in the history of Virginia high school field hockey like Coach Larkin or being in the Chancellor High School Hall of Fame like Tyrone, I wrote my 100th column for the FXBG Advance in November of 2025. This milestone was met with what I took to be muted awe from the community. I would have insisted on no parades or fanfare had anyone bothered to ask because, once again, I did not want to detract from Abigail Spanberger becoming the first female governor in the history of Virginia.
Sure, 2025 had a lot of global turmoil and fables of the reconstruction, but in the first election of my daughter’s young adulthood, she voted for a woman who would become Governor (I recommended early voting just in case she was stuck in the penalty box on Election Day). The election of Abigail Spanberger was a special moment and one that will reverberate throughout history. For at least one day in 2025, the world was a place of hope.
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