HUMOR: The World Cup Is Coming! ...
... and nobody cares, including the editor of the Advance whose best day was when his son quit playing the world's most corrupt and boring sport to play football. Wait - Drew loves soccer. Game on!
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
The 23rd World Cup kicks off this summer on June 11th. This is the first column in a series by the Advance’s resident humorist leading up to and through the World Cup. The column will provide detailed insights on why and how (think beer) you should watch the World Cup and why you should continue reading this column even though it is about soccer.
The World Cup is billed as the greatest sporting event in the entire world, and it is less than two months away. Here at the FXBG Advance Humor Column we have a great love for the beautiful game and the World Cup, and I am uniquely positioned as a soccer expert to offer my opinions and advice on the forthcoming spectacle.
For those of you doubting my soccer credentials, I set the Berks County record for most goals allowed by a goalie in a game to a single player when forward Jamie Christie of Oley Valley High School scored seven goals in one match against me in the fall of 1987. Those seven goals included one strike that hit the crossbar behind my head so hard and so quickly that I was unable to turn my head around, and the ball ricocheted off the back of my head and into the goal. The sound of that ball off the metal crossbar still haunts my sleep.
Despite this record-setting ignominy, I was selected as team MVP at Exeter Senior High School and was voted second team honorable mention and was selected to play in the County’s senior all-star game where I did not allow a single goal (it was played in a torrential downpour so I only faced one shot, but I did save that). I also set the school record for most shots faced in a game (51) and most saves in a game (28 in the same game) while only allowing four goals on those 51 shots. My absence from the Exeter Athletic Hall of Fame is one of the great omissions in the history of Pennsylvania high school sports.
Without further Adu (Note to editor: the soccer enthusiasts breathlessly reading this column will find that funny), this record-setting high school goalie offers the following World Cup primer.
—What is Soccer’s World Cup?
It is the world’s single most-watched sports spectacle and is the premier soccer international event.
—No, Really, What is Soccer’s World Cup?
It is the world’s single most-watched sports spectacle in every country but the United States where it is surpassed by the Super Bowl, the World Series, and the five-part HBO documentary on the Professional Bowling Association.
—So Where is This Spectacle Being Held? Can’t Imagine That It Would Be Held in a Country That Does Not Live and Breathe Soccer.
The World Cup is being co-hosted by the United States, Mexico, and Canada …
—Wait, We Hate Canada and Mexico …
Please don’t interrupt, I’ll get to that. The World Cup is being co-hosted by the United States, Mexico, and Canada because soccer’s international governing body, FIFA, is about building bridges and tearing down walls. FIFA knew that having tri-hosts (a World Cup first) would be historic and would be celebrated amongst friends who realize that any petty differences over fentanyl and natural resources or border walls should be placed aside to celebrate sport. Plus, there was the hope that by including Canada, their former prime minister, Justin Trudeau, could get his girlfriend Katy Perry to sing the National Anthem or at least “Roar” at halftime of one of the matches.
—Where Have I Heard of FIFA Before?
You may have heard of FIFA when they awarded their first ever Peace Prize to President Trump in December. Trump received the award for ending dozens of wars and because he promised that he would never start another war unless Israel dared him to.
You may have also heard of FIFA as the most corrupt sports governing body in the history of the world and that is the same world that includes the Florida Gaming Control Commission which kept a straight face while stating that Jai Lai results were not fixed. When the World Cup bidding goes out for countries to host the World Cup, it is with the understanding that they will bribe FIFA officials with private jets, estates in Switzerland, and that all payments will be through PayPal using the Friends and Family feature.
—Give Me One Example of FIFA Corruption.
Qatar.
Qatar is a country in West Asia that is about the size of Connecticut and a country that most people cannot pronounce even when given a pronunciation guide: kuh·taar. Qatar was chosen as the host country for the 2022 World Cup despite the fact that Qatar had no stadiums and very few soccer fields and the soccer fields they did have were hot enough in June and July to fry an egg. Qatar was so convincing in their presentation to host the World Cup (wink, wink) that FIFA agreed to move the tournament to the winter for the first time ever so players would not die. This of course meant that a workforce would have to be imported to complete the necessary construction of stadiums and infrastructure during those same sweltering months and many of those workers died.
—That Sounds Awful! Is FIFA Worried That It Might Be Hot in Miami or Mexico City in June and July for this Year’s World Cup?
First of all, there is no science to support climate change. Second of all, FIFA is only sending teams to play in those hot cities if they have no sponsors, competent legal counsel, or players you might have heard of. Even if a few players die, those teams probably weren’t going to make it to the elimination rounds anyway. (I’m kidding…wink, wink.) FIFA is very concerned about the health of the players and is going to institute water breaks halfway through the first and second halves so players can be properly hydrated.
—I Thought One of the Selling Points of Soccer Was That It Was Played with No Breaks. Won’t Stopping Play Interrupt the Flow of the Game?
How could you value the long tradition of soccer over the health of its players and advertisers? How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
During these mandatory water breaks, FIFA and its television partner, Fox Sports, will show informative commercials so you and your friends are not tempted to post on social media about how expensive it is to watch a World Cup game in person or that Lionel Messi was about to score when the match was stopped for a water break … in Vancouver.
—Why Would They Have Water Breaks in Vancouver? Their High Temperatures Hover in the Low 70s in the Summer.
Out of a pervading sense of fairness. It’s not fair that fans in Miami or Mexico City get to use the bathroom at the 22.5 and 67.5-minute marks and their brethren in western Canada have to hold it until halftime. All 104 World Cup matches will have water breaks because FIFA is about tearing down border walls or selling advertising on border walls if they are necessary to stem the flow of immigrants because, unlike Qatar, we already have our stadiums and they don’t need to be built which saves immigrant lives. FIFA is about saving lives, too.
—I Still Have A lot of Unanswered Questions …
Of course you do, but that is the whole point of a series of articles. All will be revealed over the course of 3-4 columns. Just consider this the column equivalent of the FIFA halftime of the first half water break. And now … a word from our sponsors.
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