Preserving Hokie Nation: A Modest Proposal
Can't scrape together enough NIL money to field a decent football team? Drew's got you covered.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
A Modest Proposal
For preventing Virginia Tech football
from being a burden on their alumni and students,
and for making them watchable to the publick.
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through Virginia Tech’s campus, or travel in Blacksburg, when they see the streets, the roads, and dormitory doors crowded with beggars of the athletic department, followed by three, four, or six students, all in hooded sweatshirts, and importuning every alumnus or fan for a donation to the Hokie Club. These students, instead of being able to work toward their future livelihoods, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their hapless football team, which, as it continues to struggle, will turn them into thieves for want of work or force them to leave their dear school to transfer to the University of Virginia where they will have to buy sweater vests.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that their football program is in a deplorable state at present; and therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these students sound and useful members of the Commonwealth, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up as a preserver of Hokie Nation.
Irish writer Jonathan Swift first contemplated Virginia Tech football in 1729, but I now believe that I have finally found a solution to the current “deplorable state” that is worthy of that statue.
The Virginia Tech football program recently fired head coach Brent Pry three games into the 2025 college season as light exited and night entered. Pry was hired after a successful stint as the defensive coordinator at Penn State University if you measure success by not winning national championships or even making it to the college football playoffs. Despite not having any prior head coaching experience, the Hokies decided to sign him to a six-year contract worth $27.5 million. His contract runs through 2027 even though his home address in Blacksburg will not.
Because Pry was so awful while compiling a 16-24 record at Tech, which included a recent loss to visiting Old Dominion University, the administration decided it was time for a change in the coaching ranks which requires Virginia Tech to pay him $6 million to go away. Such expensive buyouts are not uncommon in the modern college sports landscape, but the problems at Tech are not necessarily limited to the buyout.
Many Hokie alumni bemoan the fact that Tech does not have enough money in its coffers to compete and pay the athletes necessary to get back to a bowl game that is not sponsored by a roofing company that knocks on your front door to tell you that you have hail damage without looking at your roof. In short, the Hokies need more money, and I have figured out a way to get them that money while also solving an admissions shortfall for many other colleges in Virginia.
It has been well documented that Virginia Tech is very popular among graduating high school seniors. In 2024, there were 52,000 students who applied for admission at Tech and 28,000 were offered admission. Of that 28,000, 7,000 students accepted the offers for admission. Whereas at Christopher Newport University in Newport News, Virginia, there are typically about 7,000 students who apply for admission, and at the University of Mary Washington the number of applicants has hovered around 5,000 the past few years.
Tech walks a fine line with admissions because if 8,000 students accept admission and they only have room for 7,000, that results in an excess of 1,000 students that they then have to find housing for which occurred a few years ago when Tech leased rooms at a local Holiday Inn to accommodate the overflow.
My proposal is that Tech simply start selling off admissions to other Virginia colleges in need of students.
Obviously, with 52,000 students seeking admission to Tech, there are plenty of students who Tech can accept on a contingency basis with the contingency being that they are being sent off to other schools. Say Christopher Newport would love to increase its incoming class by 500 students, Tech can offer them 500 students at $10,000/student which generates $5 million which is nearly enough to pay off Coach Pry.
If Mary Washington wants 1,000 students for its 2026 incoming class, they can reach out to Virginia Tech and buy those 1,000 students resulting in a $10 million windfall for Tech and probably a quarterback who is much better than current signal caller Kyron Drones who could fall out of a boat and not hit water.
Tech could also charge more for students with higher GPAs or who fill some gaps in certain clubs and institutions. Say that Shenandoah University, a private college which can obviously afford to pay more, needs a Harold Hill for the upcoming spring production of “The Music Man,” they can ask the Tech admissions department to find them a leading man who can both sing and dance. Such a gem for the drama department might be worth $5,000, plus shipping and handling. That kid just paid for five new football helmets.
Some might argue that this is not fair to the students who had their little hearts set on attending Virginia Tech, but they probably weren’t getting in anyway. And think of the positives! A kid can now go to Christopher Newport University, live in a nicer dorm, walk to the Mariners’ Museum, see the turret of the USS Monitor for free, and never have to live through the ignominy of losing to Old Dominion’s football team because they never play them.
That perfectly adequate student who achieved a 3.8 GPA in high school but did not challenge themselves with enough Advanced Placement courses to whet Tech’s appetite, can now go off to Virginia Wesleyan knowing that they were sought after and are substantially closer to Virginia Beach. Mary Baldwin men’s basketball may have finished 8th in the USA South Atlantic Conference last year, but they did not fly all the way down to Fort Myers, Florida and go winless in a tip-off tournament where they lost to a college team with a Dolphin as a mascot. The Hokies’ men’s basketball team did when they lost to Jacksonville 74-64.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good in the Commonwealth, by advancing our state, providing for students, relieving poor Virginia Tech football, and elevating the state of higher education throughout Virginia.
I only ask that I am fully clothed for my bronze statue on Monument Avenue to both celebrate this modest proposal and my own modesty.
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