Secretary of Levity
The election's behind us, the BIG ELECTION's ahead of us, and Drew is again positioning himself to be Secretary of Levity. He'll even build his own floating throne, and Tyrone will help with delivery!
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
As regular readers of this column know, I have not been subtle in my desire to join Abigail Spanberger’s cabinet should she win election for Virginia Governor in 2025. I recognize that in the nearly 415 years since Lord Delaware first took the governorship of Virginia, no governor has felt the need to have a Secretary of Levity, but these are challenging times, and if we can’t find humor in the world we are left with a world where comedic actor Chris Elliott would not be celebrated for his genius and that is just a crime against humanity (note the progression of seminal TV show “Get a Life” to celluloid masterpiece “Cabin Boy” to TV landmark “Schitt’s Creek,” and you will find my position on Chris Elliott unassailable).
I have spent time and column space trying to convince Ms. Spanberger that not only is a Secretary of Levity important in her administration, but that Secretary of Levity has to be an award-winning humorist named Drew Gallagher who is willing to commute at least twice a week to Richmond, preferably from 10 to 4 and not on Mondays or Fridays, to fulfill the duties of this newly-created post. I feel that I have the political chops for the position as evidenced by my column where I posited that Travis Kelce as VP would assure Kamala Harris of victory. (This was seconded by Dr. Stephen Farnsworth of the University of Mary Washington who is consulted by most media outlets on all things body politic. And by seconded, I mean Dr. Farnsworth said that legally Travis Kelce could run for Vice President which was an important crux in my plan to save democracy.) Vice President Harris obviously chose to go in a different direction, and the rest is history of a most depressing nature.
Ms. Harris’ loss has generated much teeth gnashing about why she lost, but one need look no further than Travis Kelce vs. Tim Walz as running mate. Sure, Walz is a happy-go-lucky Midwestern high school football coach, but Travis Kelce is a future Hall-of-Famer who is dating Taylor Swift who is arguably the second most talented person in the history of mankind behind Abigail Spanberger. It’s not sycophantism if it’s true.
(Some readers may be looking at the above reference to “award-winning humorist” and have questions. Well, I’m not sure that I’m eligible for Virginia Press Association recognition because I write for a substack, but my haiku poem on a snowball was selected as one of the award-winning pieces in the 1986 Exeter Township Senior High School Literary Magazine, and, to many readers at that time, it heralded the dawning of a world-renowned poet so “award-winning” it is even if it was not technically for humor. However, I would argue that writing an award-winning haiku about the impact of a snowball hitting the poet’s younger brother in the face is hilarious. Unfortunately, I was unable to get permission from the literary magazine to reprint “Snowball” in its full glory due to copyright laws or the fact that I’m pretty sure no copies remain extant.)
I have indicated that I feel my role as Secretary of Levity would be far more impressive if I could have a levitating throne on the two days I appear in office. Of course, a floating throne of a majesty suitable for a Secretary of Levity might be expensive, and I know that would-be Governor Spanberger wants to be fiscally responsible in her tenure in Richmond, so I figured I would price the throne for her and have the throne built in Virginia to provide more jobs for Virginians. (I have already arranged delivery of the throne because my neighbor Tyrone said we can use his pickup as long as I stop asking if we can go to the Edgar Allan Poe Museum after the throne installation. He was not swayed by the prospect of seeing a letter written by Poe to Washington Irving which is currently on display for a short time before the museum’s upcoming renovation. I called the museum to make certain that the letter would be on permanent display after the renovation just in case Tyrone changes his mind after Spanberger wins.)
When it came to commissioning a throne of the highest quality, I reached out to Fraser Wood Elements in downtown Fredericksburg (located at 1023 Caroline Street, a short walk from the Card Cellar for all of your holiday needs). Fraser was quick to respond to the future needs of the Commonwealth.
“Normally our specialty levitating furniture would run you a small $499,999 ($599,999 if requesting a walnut or mahogany finish), however our levitating machine is under repair for the foreseeable future,” said Sophia Goodson, a sales rep for Fraser. “Please don't hesitate to reach out if there are any other home goods or furnishings we may be able to produce for you at Fraser Wood Elements.”
With Spanberger’s potential inauguration only 14 months away, I wasn’t comfortable waiting on the repairs to the Fraser levitating machine given ongoing supply chain issues, so I pivoted to the internet where you cannot spell DIY without “Drew It Yourself.” Videos for throne building abounded along with how to live a LARP lifestyle and upcoming Renaissance Faires near me. (LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing and typically features men who engage in swordplay while dressed in leather and armor and then retire to sit upon thrones where they drink mead or Busch Light depending on how much they had to lay out for their custom-made chainmail.)
Building my own throne would be cost effective provided I had a full vocational shop and its power tools at my disposal. Even with access to power tools though, I was concerned about operating bladed weapons from horror movies because I was once taken out of my first-grade classroom weekly for remedial scissors work and was told by my guidance counselor at the time that any future use of power tools would likely result in death. It was a different world in 1976.
I started to have doubts as to if I was qualified to build a levitating throne and, pulling on that thread a little further, was I even qualified to be Secretary of Levity for would-be Governor Spanberger? Was the fact that my Linkedin profile did not feature a Congressional investigation into drug use or sex with a minor hurt my chances to be part of Abigail’s Cabinet? Would the fact that any character references I offered during the screening process serve as disqualifiers since none of those friends had been sentenced to prison for sex trafficking? Or was there a blind spot in my resume having never founded or participated in a professional wrestling league?
I was as crestfallen as a LARPer who was just bettered beneath a foam sword, until I realized that the bar for cabinet members for the President of the United States had to be much higher than a newly created position in the Virginia Governor’s cabinet. At this point, no one really knows what qualifies one for Secretary of Levity beyond an ability to write haiku poetry in winter. The dream is alive.
Local Obituaries
To view local obituaries or to send a note to family and loved ones, please visit the link that follows.
Support Award-winning, Locally Focused Journalism
The FXBG Advance cuts through the talking points to deliver both incisive and informative news about the issues, people, and organizations that daily affect your life. And we do it in a multi-partisan format that has no equal in this region. Over the past year, our reporting was:
First to break the story of Stafford Board of Supervisors dismissing a citizen library board member for “misconduct,” without informing the citizen or explaining what the person allegedly did wrong.
First to explain falling water levels in the Rappahannock Canal.
First to detail controversial traffic numbers submitted by Stafford staff on the Buc-ee’s project
Our media group also offers the most-extensive election coverage in the region and regular columnists like:
And our newsroom is led by the most-experienced and most-awarded journalists in the region — Adele Uphaus (Managing Editor and multiple VPA award-winner) and Martin Davis (Editor-in-Chief, 2022 Opinion Writer of the Year in Virginia and more than 25 years reporting from around the country and the world).
For just $8 a month, you can help support top-flight journalism that puts people over policies.
Your contributions 100% support our journalists.
Help us as we continue to grow!
