By Drew Gallagher, ADVANCE COLUMNIST
One of the arguments for data centers is that the increased reliance on AI necessitates more and more storage and processing capacity that only they can provide—especially in the Fredericksburg area where there’s always been plenty of water and questionable judgement.
As Kurt Vonnegut once said, according to AI: “We are not limited only by where we start but by how we continue.” (Kurt Vonnegut never said or wrote any such thing, but if we had more data centers AI would have known that right away and already corrected me.)
AI has many uses, including thoughtful responses for people who may need advice on how to get out of untenable situations of their own making. Here are a few possible examples, completely made up, but nonetheless further proof of the vital need for more data centers lining the banks of the Rappahannock River and, what the hell, why don’t we put one downtown?
Login: Drew M. from Spotsylvania…Search: Can a business owner using homophobic, racist, or misogynistic slurs on X (formerly Twitter) hurt their business?
AI: It depends. In businesses that cater to homophobes, racists, or misogynists, this could be a good thing. Can you tell me more about your business?
Drew M. from Spotsylvania: I sell and rent stringed instruments in a small community. Many of the instruments are sold or rented to school-age children.
AI: Are all of those school-age children, friends, and families heterosexual, white, and believe women are subservient and are only good for breeding? Do you live in Utah by chance?
Drew M. from Spotsylvania: I live in Virginia. Not sure if all my customers are as described above.
AI: Without knowing more, I would suggest that posting homophobic, racist, and misogynistic slurs could be harmful to a business that rents or sells stringed instruments. You know Yo Yo Ma is Chinese, right?
Drew M. from Spotsylvania: So what would you recommend for a businessman who has already posted homophobic, racist, and misogynistic comments on a public thread?
AI: I would suggest you make those posts private, and also claim that this public account was a Parody Account. Then find Jesus.
Drew M. from Spotsylvania: What is a Parody Account?
AI: A Parody Account is a social media profile on X that humorously mimics or satirizes a real person, brand, or organization.
Drew M. from Spotsylvania: I’m not sure that telling James Talarico to “Go F**k Yourself commie homo” qualifies as a Parody Account post.
AI: There is no link for James Talarico to communism or homosexuality. What were you parodying? Use of a Parody Account on X also requires stating publicly that the account is a parody. Did you label yours as “Parody”?
Drew M. from Spotsylvania: I didn’t when I set it up because I didn’t know what a Parody Account was at the time.
AI: Then you should probably not say it’s a Parody Account.
Drew M. from Spotsylvania: I already did!
AI: Find Jesus.
***
Login: A Very Stable Genius…Search: What would you recommend for a person who was good friends with a pedophile and visited the friend on his private island where they played squash and definitely did not ogle or do anything else untoward to underage women before the pedophile died under mysterious circumstances and I swear I had nothing to do with it?
AI: Unless there is any documentation that you knew the pedophile then don’t speak ill of the dead. No matter how disgusting a human being he was.
A Very Stable Genius: There are approximately 3.5 million pages, 180,000 images, and 2,000 videos in evidence concerning the pedophile’s actions, and some of those—OK, a LOT of those—are about him and me.
AI: It would be difficult to convince people you were not friends with this individual based on the preponderance of evidence. I suggest you become President of the United Stated and make sure this evidence is never released publicly or is at least heavily redacted.
A Very Stable Genius: Already did that.
AI: Not working?
A Very Stable Genius: Not as well as you would think. What else have you got?
AI: Start a purposeless war.
A Very Stable Genius: Did that too.
AI: Not working either?
A Very Stable Genius: No.
AI: Erect monuments reminiscent of Third Reich architecture and name things after yourself. Cut down Weeping Willows and Japanese Cherry Blossoms.
A Very Stable Genius: Check, check, check, and check.
AI: Do you like mosquitoes?
A Very Stable Genius: Hate ‘em.
AI: Kill off the mosquito population anywhere near the White House and National Mall. This can be done by draining any long, shallow bodies of standing water, treating potential breeding sites with chemical larvicides, and paving over your yard, rose garden, and other outdoor spaces.
A Very Stable Genius: I did all that too. Think it will work?
AI: Doubtful, but it might keep people from getting dengue fever make them temporarily forget you were tight with a pedophile.
A Very Stable Genius: On the outside chance the mosquito thing doesn’t work, any other recommendations.
AI: Call it a Parody Account and find Jesus.
Brilliant riotous post re Drew M.!