The Canuck Kerfuffle
Donald Trump is a genius. Some might argue that point, but those skeptics are reminded that many were calling Secretary of State William Seward a moron when he negotiated the purchase of Alaska.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Donald Trump is a genius.
Some might argue that point, but those skeptics are reminded that many were calling Secretary of State William Seward a moron when he negotiated the purchase of Alaska from Russia in 1867. The critics called the purchase of Alaska “Seward’s Folly” and “Seward’s Icebox” (kudos to Mr. Bickel for making quite the impression in 8th grade U.S. History because I didn’t even have to Google those clever monikers).
Ultimately, the purchase of Alaska proved to be a stroke of genius when the newly-purchased territory yielded gold in 1896 after Skookum Jim and his family found the valuable metal in Canada’s Yukon Territory, and prospectors flocked to Alaska to make their millions or die of exposure. (Sidenote: If you’re known as Skookum Jim, you have to go into prospecting. That’s not a name that is going to play professional hockey or become a CPA, but you are definitely going to become a gold mining legend when your parents bless you with such an appellation.)
Trump now wants to make Canada our 51st state and many, including most Canadians, think this is a fool’s overture. Given Canada’s abundant natural resources and a population of over 40 million people who agree with me that 1983’s Strange Brew is a cinematic masterpiece, the possibility is intriguing. Now before you scream “Take off, you hoser”, the taking over of Canada would have both political and cultural benefits for both countries. From a political standpoint, our newest state would have more than California’s 54 electoral votes which means that the road to the White House would have to go through the Great White North. The tourism slogan writes itself (copyright pending).
Canada’s prime minister, Justin Trudeau, has already agreed to resign in the face of mounting pressure that he was going to lose his country to its bigger and badass southern neighbor. (You might argue that his resignation was motivated by economic factors that have nothing to do with becoming the 51st state, but that’s just what the wonks are saying. The Russian Facebook bots are saying otherwise.) The Trump playbook on this one is all too obvious. Trudeau and his wife of 18 years divorced in 2023, so the initial Trump presser has to contain some version of: “He can’t keep his wife, how is he going to keep a country that is twice as large as Texas?” Trump spoke highly, if not in complete sentences, of Ms. Trudeau in 2020 when he learned that she had tested positive for the Coronavirus:
“Lovely lady, wonderful lady, great lady,” he said. “Since then I’ve heard, read, that the result was she has it, and I was a little surprised, and I think he (Prime Minister Trudeau) was surprised also. He thought that she would not, most likely have this virus.”
So years before the Prime Minister could not keep his wife, he couldn’t keep her healthy either which is not in keeping with the Trad Wife model. Canada is as good as ours based upon this kind of weak leadership which means we’ll be able to change some names to reflect this new union of the fated soulmates.
Say goodbye to Canadian Bacon and hello to “Not-Made-in-the-USA Crappy Bacon.” And Canada Dry ginger ale being not too sweet? I repeat, it’s not too sweet. That is exactly the problem. No one wants to drink it because it tastes as we would imagine an assisted living facility would taste. “Canada Dry Heaving” is more like it. From this point forward it’s “American Liberty Ginger Ale.” Walk into any bar and ask the barkeep to give me American Liberty or give me Liquid Death and wink knowingly at one another about the clever Patrick Henry reference. (Or get your ass kicked for winking at a bartender.)
There are benefits beyond nomenclature including an influx of cultural icons that will now become American. Suddenly, Crosby, Stills and Nash no longer have to alienate the Canadian Neil Young by just slapping his name at the end of their names. It can be Young, Stills, Crosby, Nash for all we care. The variations may not be mathematically endless but there are a lot of them and lots of fun to be had in record stores picking through vinyl. Everyone will have their favorite iteration of the band, and most importantly they will all now be American. We didn’t need Neil Young the interloper telling us that Kent State was bad. But listen to “Ohio” now that Neil Young is a red-blooded American and those four dead in Ohio are his fellow countrymen. Poignant.
We now can lay claim to Captain Kirk and Ace Ventura along with half of Wayne and Garth. Party on! We have Barenaked Ladies and next time you sing along to Rush know that Tom Sawyer’s mind is not for rent to any god or government but that was before Tom Sawyer became an American. Even Jeff Bezos can be bought for a price, and that price appears to be independent journalism.
Of course, such a transition won’t be all Jellied Moose Nose and Labatt beer (how does that name not have an “S”?). There are sure to be many logistical problems like designing a new flag and what to do about the handsome display boxes for the 50 United States quarters that absolutely have no room for a 51st quarter. These quibbles are offset though by being able to travel freely into what-was-once-Canada to see Niagara Falls without a passport. Plus, if you don’t realize that the Maid of the Mist is on the United States side and you have to travel back into the United States to get on a boat that looks exactly like the ones they have on the Canadian side, it won’t take five hours to get there, and your wife might not need to ask you, repeatedly, if you need a map that shows Canada and the United States. Alas, Mr. Bickel did not teach geography.
O, Canada, we do truly stand on guard for thee. We’ll stand beside you and guide you. Shoot, even their national anthem flows seamlessly into God Bless America. Welcome Home, you Crazy Canucks!
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