Thunderdome: FXBG Edition
You want a big honking home in downtown Fredericksburg for $200? Stay tuned; Drew will tell you how.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
I hesitate to write this column for purely selfish reasons. There is an essay-writing contest going on right now called “Write Your Way Home” which is an opportunity to win a downtown Fredericksburg house for a mere $200.00, provided your essay is picked from 15,000 other essays as the winner. The house is located at 1200 Prince Edward Street and is valued at $1.8 million. I fully intend to win the contest and move into the house in time for the holidays provided 14,999 other essayists are as delusional as they are poor writers.
There are a few qualifiers associated with the contest, and I figured it would help to have an expert provide some insight into the house, the contest, and how to win.
I first encountered PenFed realtor Kati Bock at the Card Cellar (located at 915 Caroline Street for all of your gift-buying needs). I remember Ms. Bock because of the clicking sound her high heels made when she came into the Card Cellar and how discordant the noise was with the theme song of the Mr. Do video game I was playing at the time.
She had just sold a house in downtown Fredericksburg and was there to buy some baseball cards so she could celebrate the closing with her husband and children later that evening by opening packs of baseball cards. Some might have found her family-based focus noble, whereas I could not quite forgive her choice of footwear for distracting me from my ongoing pursuit of the Mr. Do high score. (When I stage my modern adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell Tale Heart I intend to set it in a video arcade after a meticulously planned murder with the clicking of high heels as the manifestation of the narrator’s guilt.)
Ms. Bock lives in my neighborhood, so when I saw the contest, she was the first realtor I thought of to provide insight on how to win such a contest. (Any readers of this column who win the house because of these insights should feel free to buy me a beer and make a one-time gift to the FXBG Advance to generously show their largesse. Oh, and use Kati Bock to sell your old house.)
The theme of the essay is: “Why I Want to Live in Historic Downtown Fredericksburg” and is limited to 250-500 words. The web site warns that “Many will enter, only one will win!” which sounds an awful lot like you’re about to fight Mel Gibson in Thunderdome. The essays are to be judged by a panel of 4-6 people from Fredericksburg who apparently are not very busy if they have time to read 15,000 essays.
Understand that I spent very little time in the Math department while at Mary Washington College which was one of the many conditions for my admission. (I was also never allowed within 1,000 feet of the German house.) However, if each essay takes a minimum of three minutes to read and consider, that comes to about 750 hours and does not include any downtime to eat, use the bathroom, or reflect on the poor life choices that led you to devoting about five months of your life to selflessly reading essays on why a person wants to live downtown in a 5,500 square foot house that is likely bigger and nicer than your own.
Further restrictions for the contest are that the essay cannot be AI-generated, co-authored, or previously published in a humor column or academic journal. As such, my award-winning essay cannot be shared at this time and likely won’t appear until March of 2026 when the contest finally ends and the judges all have to get cataract surgery. (For all of your cataract surgery needs, visit Dr. Mansouri at Access Eye. Dr. Mansouri was recently named one of America’s Leading Surgeons by Newsweek magazine.)
Given the above writing restrictions, I asked Ms. Bock if she thought I could win.
“I have no idea if you will win, Drew,” she said while displaying very little concern that I might be leaving our neighborhood. Her response was via email so it was difficult to read any nuance into her reply, but I do not believe it reflected the proper degree of resignation that should have been associated with the possible void left in our Spotsylvania community when the resident humorist moves downtown.
I helpfully pointed out that gubernatorial candidate Abigail Spanberger said I was “very funny” and, one can safely assume, recognized that any community or Commonwealth would be lucky to have me.
“If there are truly 15,000 applicants, I think it will be easy to spot the difference and weed out those simply trying to win a house from those who truly love and admire the city,” she continued. “Fredericksburg is special in a way you can only understand by spending time here, and to be able to call it home is a true gift. I hope that whoever wins this contest will not only cherish the house but also embrace and become part of this remarkable community.”
I assured her I would cherish the house as much as it would cherish me although my essay may have been more comedic than come hither to the banks of the Rappahannock. Ms. Bock continued to illuminate what a winning essay should reflect.
“I toured the property in April. As a realtor, I can tell you the house is truly stunning, but the essay prompt is perfect. The prize is living in Historic Fredericksburg. The real reason to want the house should be that the city’s heartbeat is just outside your front door. Downtown’s history and beauty are true amenities.”
When she mentioned the city’s heartbeat, I started thinking again about my modern telling of The Tell Tale Heart and started to believe this idea might be perfect for an Off Off Broadway production if I can get the Card Cellar to loan their Mr. Do arcade machine for a possible North American tour. Plus, if I could add playwright to my professional vita, I think it would help impress the local essay judges because they will recognize in a few months that a stage performance will be less strain on their tired eyes.
At this point, I recognize that many readers might be softly weeping at the altruism of this column. I have provided you with a dynamic downtown store for all of your gift-buying needs (The Card Cellar), an award-winning eye surgeon (Dr. Mansouri of Access Eye), and a local realtor who so loves our city that she is willing to offer a blueprint for winning a spectacular home in Fredericksburg for only $200 (Kati Bock of PenFed Realty).
Why, you might be asking yourself, would Drew give so fully of himself? To quote a fellow playwright--therein lies the rub—the contest ends September 29th. You have just over 24 hours to craft your winning essay. Welcome to the Thunderdome!
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