'Very Funny'

A local humorist has the candidate's ear, and lays the groundwork to become Virginia's first Secretary of Levity.

By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST

"deer" by danmachold is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.

There is a moment in the Christmas classic Rudoph the Red-Nosed Reindeer when a young doe named Clarice tells Rudolph that she thinks he’s kind of cute. This revelation causes Rudolph to fly higher than any of the other deer participating in their reindeer games and even gets Santa’s attention. It is a moment of pure euphoria that has never been equaled in the long history of stop motion animated television.

I had a Rudolph moment earlier this week when Virginia gubernatorial candidate Abigail Spanberger’s bus tour stopped in Fredericksburg. As readers of this column know, I am an avid supporter of Spanberger and believe that if she is elected to the Governor’s mansion she should create a position within her cabinet for a Secretary of Levity, and I know just the humorist who could ably fill that position.

Spanberger is, of course, busy campaigning and meeting the citizens of the Commonwealth, and so creating a new cabinet position before she is even elected to office is understandably not on her radar. Plus, I was not sure she had ever read the FXBG Advance or my Sunday column which could substantially hurt my chances of becoming the first Secretary of Levity in the history of Virginia. (I would make it clear at my first press conference that I would in no way allow my own claim to history to diminish that of Spanberger, who would be the first woman governor in the history of Virginia.)

Though Spanberger’s bus tour was running late (because she is so gracious with her time among constituents and local businesses), she did take a few questions from the assembled media. This was my Rubicon. This was why I had listened to both Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” and the original Broadway cast recording of Lin Manuel Miranda singing “My Shot” that morning.

After a number of thoughtful questions and answers from real journalists, I was granted the final question before the bus tour was on to its next stop. I strode forward through the ever-thickening humidity like a modern knight errant, if modern knight errants wear Card Cellar hats (available at 915 Caroline Street) instead of armor. I declared that I was Drew Gallagher of the FXBG Advance and that I wrote a Sunday humor column.

“You are very funny, I have read it,” said Spanberger. (There were witnesses to this statement, and I have their sworn affidavits.)

The woman who could be our next governor did not look at me warily or even wearily. She said that I was “very funny.” Unlike Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, I did not attempt flight in that moment and mostly because one of the members of her security team played Division I basketball at Drexel University, and any attempt by yours truly to “be like Mike” or even Rudolph would have likely led to a quick physics’ reminder that bodies in motion tend to stay in motion until met by an unbalanced force, which is how most would describe a recent Division I athlete versus a humorist who played club volleyball at Mary Washington College 35 years ago.

No, I did not fly in that moment, but I could have. My dream of Secretary of Levity was not dead even though I had asked Abigail Spanberger’s husband, Adam, earlier in the day if he thought there was a possibility for such a cabinet position, and he delicately deflected the inquiry with a: “No comment.” Never one to be daunted, I did press the idea further upon Mr. Spanberger, and he did seem intrigued by the notion of a levitating throne which I assured him would be built locally at Fraser Wood Elements. (I did not tell him that their levitating machine was under repair.)

After briefly basking in the glow of Spanberger’s fandom, I had to ask a question, and it was not a moment that I took lightly. I had called my journalism professor the night before, and he understood the enormity of the task before me and pleaded with me not to bring up his name in any context.

Of course, the obvious question, in that moment, was to press the Secretary of Levity position on the gubernatorial hopeful who may have been slightly delirious from dehydration, but the dream had been given a lifeline, and I did not want to see it crumpled so quickly beneath the tires of a touring bus. And yet I wanted to establish that I was more than a policy wonk. So I asked her, what about Virginia made her smile or laugh? (In hindsight, I could have asked her, “Besides me, what else in Virginia do you find very funny?” Note to editor—emphasis is mine and don’t even think about striking it. She said very funny.)

“The ridiculous ways that people who are not from Virginia look at names (of places in Virginia) and say them,” she said. “Quite obviously, to the rest of us, we know the correct ways. In fact, when we first started hiring folks to fill the election team, we had a lot of Virginians on the team, but we had some folks who came in, and we actually did big giant flash cards where we did a test. We did some obvious ones like ‘Henrico’ and how do you say ‘Henrico’. And you have ‘Buena Vista’. The list goes on and on so what makes me laugh is how other people come here and how kind of indignant, as Virginians, we get about how could you ever look at that and say Buena Vista (bway-nuh vee-stuh)?”

And with that, she was whisked away to offer up a centrist view to Virginians who know the “u” in Staunton is silent. Before the bus drove away, I grabbed a golden Sharpie from one of her press secretaries and quickly scribbled my name. (There were other signatures before mine so this was not me paying graffiti homage to my homeboy, the artist Keith Haring.) I signed my name and beneath it wrote: Secretary of Levity.

(Note to Readers: I actually abbreviated the FXBG Advance under my signature, but as soon as I got back to my office and started writing this column, I realized it would have been much cooler had I written Secretary of Levity.

Also, I am required to state that the FXBG Advance, as a non-partisan news outlet, is not endorsing either candidate for governor. I, however, am an unpaid humorist whose dream is to be The Secretary of Levity. Spanberger for Governor!)

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