America’s Love Language
Colonoscopies, birthday presents, and big ideas for America's 250th. Who else but Drew could make a story out of those three elements?
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Tomorrow, I turn 55. Happy birthday to me!
I was reminded of my birthday this year when my gastroenterologist’s office called this month to let me know that I was due for a colonoscopy. They obviously thought that an easy way for me to remember this invasive procedure was to schedule it around my birthday every five years. Trust me, I knew it was coming up.
I may not remember a great many things, but I do recall the glorious waiting period between medical procedures that require an absurd amount of fluids to flush out your entire colon in less time than it takes to watch one of the Avatar movies.
I learned a valuable lesson from a prior colonoscopy, and it’s not just “never stray too far from an unoccupied bathroom during the cleanse.” As I was being prepared for the procedure, a very pleasant nurse came in to advise me that she would be helping the anesthesiologist with my sedative. She asked if I remembered her, and I had no idea who she was. She then told me that I had handled a large fire claim for her and her husband (while I wait for syndication of this column and the riches that await, I bide my time as an insurance claims adjuster during the day—just like Clark Kent before me). At this particular moment, I realized that treating people fairly and with empathy comes in handy when that very person may be the one helping with your anesthesia during a colonoscopy. She must have been very pleased with the claims service I provided because as they rolled me into the room where it happens, I was so well medicated that I started singing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt as loud as I could. I asked one of the nurses if everyone was singing along with me and she said: “Nope, only you.”
Some of you may be wondering why, as a soon-to-be 55-year-old, I have experienced multiple colonoscopies in my young life, and I can tell you unequivocally it is because I have a winter birthday. Some of my very first memories are of the worry I carried on my boyhood shoulders, fretting that my birthday party would be cancelled due to snow. A friend of mine, Dr. Chris Kilmartin, had a similar experience with a long-ago January birthday where there was a snowstorm, and the only “friend” who could attend his party was a little girl who lived next door and who he hated. Dr. Kilmartin is a professionally-trained psychologist so he is able to diagnose this condition as the “Winter Birthday Blues” (AMA approval pending).
Because of a lifetime steeped in existential dread regarding the cancellation of birthday parties, I foresee an upcoming problem for the United States with its 250th birthday in 2026. As anyone who can recall the bicentennial of 1976, this will be a big deal. I remember near constant parades and an actual army tank, lost no doubt, driving down our suburban street trying to find the staging area for yet another parade. (The tank weighed more than our Pennsylvania macadam could handle and the grooves from the imprint of the tread are there to this day.) A 250th birthday does not come around every year, but I’m not sure any of our friends will attend even if it’s unlikely to be snowing in July. It’s getting to the point where we don’t have any friends left because our president keeps trying to take them over. Russia may prove to be the modern-day equivalent of Dr. Kilmartin’s neighbor and be our lone guest.
In 1976, the English, who you might remember played more than a bit part in the events of 1776, gave us a bell forged from the same fires that produced the Liberty Bell to celebrate our 200th birthday. As far as cool gifts go, the bell would have gotten two thumbs up from The Fonz. Especially since England would have been forgiven for not giving their former upstart colony anything after we kicked their asses at Yorktown. Next summer I’m not sure that England is going to be in the same giving mood. Or Canada, or Mexico, or Panama, or Greenland. These are our supposed BFFs and now we expect them to come to our big party bearing gifts or large bells?
Diplomatically speaking, turning down an invite to the 250th gala would look bad and likely result in tariffs for 24-48 hours for those who RSVP “not coming.” These countries understandably may not want to come to the party, but their parents are going to make them. So, in an effort at diplomacy and to head off $99 t-shirts made in Canada, I am providing a list of gift ideas for our besties to subtly hint that they are only there to appease their parliament or prime minister or mother. (I equate these gifts with a birthday present I received in 1979. A well-meaning friend bought me the Bee Gees’ album, Spirits Having Flown. While this may have seemed fairly innocuous, I knew as soon as I opened the gift that my neighborhood friends at the party were going to beat me up because I now owned a Bee Gees’ album. [They did abide.])
GIFT IDEA FOR PANAMA FOR 2026 AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY PARTY—An unplayed 7-inch vinyl version of the single Panama by Van Halen including picture sleeve with David Lee Roth holding a boombox signed by Wolfgang Van Halen. Van Halen fans will quickly recognize that Panama was released seven years before Wolfie was born and also note that he and Mr. Roth do not like each other. I doubt that Trump or anyone in the administration are Van Halen fans (Except maybe Elon Musk because of “Jump”) and will fail to recognize this subtle slight by the canal owners. Or recognize that the song has absolutely nothing to do with Panama the country.
GIFT IDEA FOR CANADA FOR 2026 AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY PARTY—A mounted moose head which they can probably take from RFK Jr.’s next visit to the Great White North after he hits it and binds it to the roof of his car. A mounted moose head is nothing unique, but if the moose head is programmed to sing Canadian native Bruce Cockburn’s If I Had a Rocket Launcher, it’s just the right kind of gift to mount in the Treaty Room at the White House. Every time someone opens the door the moose sings: “I don't believe in guarded borders and I don't believe in hate, I don't believe in generals or their stinking torture states, And when I talk with the survivors of things too sickening to relate, If I had a rocket launcher...I would retaliate.”
GIFT IDEA FOR GREENLAND FOR 2026 AMERICA BIRTHDAY PARTY—Nothing is more apple and pie-American than the television show Happy Days. Most people, however, had stopped watching by the 1981 season and may have forgotten that Richie Cunningham misses his wedding to Lori Beth because he and his Army unit are stuck in…wait for it…Greenland! To commemorate this sad day in pop culture, Greenland’s representative will bestow a Happy Days’ lunch box signed by none other than Anson Williams who portrayed America’s lovable loser, Potsie Weber.
GIFT IDEA FOR MEXICO FOR 2026 AMERICA BIRTHDAY PARTY—A big foam red and green finger saluting the U.S. as its number one friend and ally. No mystery which finger will be held aloft in the foam.
Make a wish!
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