DONNIE JOHNSTON: Tomato Tariff
"Some economists argue that my tariff will cause inflation, but according to Trumpenomics, that is not true."
By Donnie Johnston
COLUMNIST
Trumpenomics have inspired me.
I have decided to put a $10 tariff on the tomatoes I sell from my fields this summer.
Each tomato will still cost $1, but any customer that takes a tomato across my property line must pay me an additional $10 tariff.
Some customers have already asked whether the tariff will be applied if they eat the tomato in my field and the answer is yes. That tomato will still be in their digestive system when they leave my property, so the tariff must be paid.
Some economists argue that my tariff will cause inflation, but according to Trumpenomics, that is not true. The tomato will still cost only $1, the same as it did last year. The $10 will be a tariff, which is essentially a tax, and entirely separate from the price of the tomato.
What will I do with the tariff money? I’ll use some of it to strengthen the fences around the borders of my property, but most of it will help make my bank account great again.
Could I, like President Trump, be simply using these tariffs as leverage to bargain with those who live outside of my property lines? Well, that could be.
Maybe I can pressure my customers into coming into my fields and chopping out the weeds in exchange for cutting down the tariffs. That way I won’t have to do any work and I can still get $1 for each tomato.
See, I learn from my president.
Farmers always get the shaft and I want to rectify that. Farming is the only business where the manufacturer has no idea what his product will bring when he puts his time, money, and sweat into growing it.
That needs to change. Farmers need to organize and form a union to control prices.
Maybe farmers should learn from auto mechanics, who charge you $5 for a part and $150 labor to install it. That would work great. Do you know how many hours of work it takes to grow one tomato? Or how much expensive equipment a farmer needs to harvest one roll of hay? A tractor, a mower, a rake, and a baler cost more than all the diagnostic tools a mechanic will ever buy.
So, a farmer should consider his product (tomato, hay roll, or steer) as a “part” and add a labor charge—say $100 an hour—to its final cost. We could even come up with a “book” that explains it to the customer. And if “the book” says it takes four hours to grow each tomato, then you charge $1 for the tomato and $400 for labor. Sounds fair to this veteran farmer.
Speaking of fair, we are in the middle of March Madness and it is blatantly obvious that the small colleges cannot compete with schools like Duke and Kentucky, whose players received thousands, if not millions, of dollars to play for that university.
Every year the same teams seem to make it to the Sweet 16 while the little guys fall to superior quality players.
That ain’t fair, so we need to change the rules. Let’s take a lesson from golf. If I’m playing in a tournament with a scratch golfer, I get a handicap, which helps even the playing field.
Under my system, McNeese State, for example, starts its game against Purdue with a 15-0 lead. That’s what oddsmakers do when it comes to betting, so why not do the same with the actual game? If one team is favored by 15 over another, the underdog gets 15 points to start the game. That would give the little schools a much better chance.
See, folks? I’ve got vision and the world is wearing bifocals. I know, I should run for president and yes, I am thinking about it.
Meanwhile, buy my tomatoes this summer and smile when you pay the tariffs. The money is going to a good cause—a vacation on the Riviera of Gaza.
Peace, brother.
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It is comforting to see that at least DJ can find something funny in our sad national situation.