It’s All Greek to Me

Is America getting dumber? Yep. So Drew is redefining idioms (a term most Americans couldn't define with an online dictionary) for the modern day. And he didn't use AI! (We checked.)

By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST

"Oxford University Press" by Original uploader was user:M stone at en.wikipedia is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines an idiom as: A form of expression, grammatical construction, phrase, etc., used in a distinctive way in a particular language, dialect, or language variety; spec. a group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from the meanings of the individual words.

The OED defines an idiot as: “informal — a stupid person”

Even the OED appreciates that brevity is the soul of wit.

Some of our more archaic idioms may not resonate with modern readers who get their news almost exclusively from Substacks and their phones. As such, I thought it would be an appropriate time to update some idioms to give them modern relevance. Much like the Gulf of America.

1. “Turn Blue in the face”—To be exhausted due to strain or anger. New Idiom: “Turn Orange in the face”—to be exhausted due to strain or anger about a certain tawny-hued president.

2. “Walk on eggshells”—To be very careful with your actions or words. New meaning: You tree-hugging hippy! No wonder eggs are so expensive when you buy them just to throw their shells on a compost pile. With any luck, the avian flu will affect chickens to the point where their eggs have no shells and your compost piles will be left with only wilted lettuce and coffee grounds.

3. “Through Thick and Thin”—At all times, both good and bad. New Meaning: If you want the Trump White House to do your bidding you have to go through President Trump (the thick) to then get an audience with former model, Melania (the thin), to actually get to Elon Musk and Mini E.

4. “The chickens will come home to roost”—The consequences of your actions will catch up to you. New meaning: Sure, Trump got a Vietnam deferment for bone spurs (chicken), and is a womanizing felon and charlatan, but he got the majority of the popular vote in the last election. As such, when he starts to downsize your government job and no longer subsidizes your farming then he will sit high atop the roost/throne you placed him upon and only dole out eggs to those who sent him checks with five zeros at the end. You can try buying his bible (for the low, low price of $59.99) and see if praying helps. The copy of the U.S. Constitution that comes with it though is now obsolete.

5. “Worth its weight in gold”—To be highly valuable. New Idiom: “Worth its weight in Trump gold-plated sneakers”—to have decreasing value. The exclusive Trump sneakers were originally offered for anywhere from $300 to $1,000. On Amazon you can now find your favorite Trump footwear for $62.91. (Beware—the sizing chart appears to have been based on the shoe-sizing system of the country that manufactured the sneakers which, of course, was not the USA because it is not great again just yet.)

6. “That ship has sailed”—It is too late to do something. New Meaning: That ship has sailed but will get there eventually. Since the ship can no longer get through the Panama Canal, (because we pissed them off) it now has to go through the Strait of Magellan unless we piss off Chile, then it will have to be rerouted to sail around Cape Horn, and it’s going to take at least three times as long to get your Keurig refills. The ship will probably get to see penguins though!

7. “Cannot make an omelet without breaking some eggs”—Everything has a cost. New Idiom: “Cannot make an omelet without eggs.” Sure, everything has a cost and everyone has a price (See: JD Vance, soul for VP appointment). You can still get omeletes at Mar-A-Lago, so stop your whining. You sound like Veruca Salt (and not the band). Check out your 401K balance—you can afford them. (And if you don’t have a 401K balance, why the hell are you making omeletes? Eggs are expensive.)

8. “When pigs fly”—Something is nearly impossible or unlikely. New meaning: Every time Air Force One leaves the ground, we are reminded of the Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk and the miracle of flight.

9. “Cry over spilt milk”—Worrying about something that can be corrected. New Meaning: Damn right you should be crying over that milk you spilt. Do you have any idea how expensive milk is these days?

10. “Having a monkey on your back”—To have a problem that you cannot solve or get rid of. New Idiom: “To have a JD Vance on your back.” Meaning is unchanged.

11. “A penny for your thoughts”—To ask someone what they are thinking. New Idiom: “A bitcoin for your thoughts”—To ask someone what they are thinking about a subject they know nothing about (be prepared to define fungible). Example: Every question asked of Trump Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt except for “How impossibly cute is your baby?”

12. “Blame one’s tools”—Blaming something on someone else. New meaning: Surround yourself with enough “tools” (See: RFK, Jr., Kristi Noem, “Pet” Hegseth, Rudy Giuliani, Tulsi Gabbard) and deflecting blame becomes easy. Example: “Did you see what that tool Giuliani did? He held a press conference in the parking lot of a landscaping company instead of the Four Seasons Hotel.”

13. “On thin ice”—A sensitive scenario or a person in trouble. New meaning: With climate change there is not going to be any freezing, so “on thin ice” will reflect a nostalgia for a time when water would freeze and the melting of glaciers would not destroy humanity. Added bonus: Should also mean that we don’t need Chilean approval to sail through the Strait of Magellan because most of Chile will be underwater.

14. “A can of corn”—Something easy. New meaning: What the hell are you talking about, old man? Who eats corn from a can except immigrants in Guantanamo and humorists in the Alaskan gulag colonies?

15. “Speak of the Devil”—The person we were just talking about just showed up. New meaning: You know that president who you said could never get re-elected because we, as a society, are far too smart for that, and he incited an armed rebellion so we would never elect a convicted felon? He just showed up again like a bad penny which is no longer a valid form of currency. So if anyone offers you a penny for your thoughts on this matter, you should demand to be paid in cryptocurrency.

Local Obituaries

To view local obituaries or to send a note to family and loved ones, please visit the link that follows.

Support Award-winning, Locally Focused Journalism

The FXBG Advance cuts through the talking points to deliver both incisive and informative news about the issues, people, and organizations that daily affect your life. And we do it in a multi-partisan format that has no equal in this region. Over the past year, our reporting was:

• First to break the story of Stafford Board of Supervisors dismissing a citizen library board member for “misconduct,” without informing the citizen or explaining what the person allegedly did wrong.

• First to explain falling water levels in the Rappahannock Canal.

• First to detail controversial traffic numbers submitted by Stafford staff on the Buc-ee’s project

Our media group also offers the most-extensive election coverage in the region and regular columnists like:

• Drew Gallagher — Humorist

• Dennis Wemm — Theatre Critic

• Hank Silverberg — Transportation

• Bruce Saller — Environment

• Loraine Paige — Food and Business

And our newsroom is led by the most-experienced and most-awarded journalists in the region — Adele Uphaus (Managing Editor and multiple VPA award-winner) and Martin Davis (Editor-in-Chief, 2022 Opinion Writer of the Year in Virginia and more than 25 years reporting from around the country and the world).

• For just $8 a month, you can help support top-flight journalism that puts people over policies.

Your contributions 100% support our journalists.

Help us as we continue to grow!

This article is published under Creative Commons license CC BY-NC-ND. It can be distributed for noncommercial purposes and must include the following: “Published with permission by FXBG Advance.”