JK America
Thanks to Drew, the Advance has the real scoop on the Signal text messages. (Forget what you saw in The Atlantic.) There's also an update on Drew's HOF candidacy, and it's connection to the Atlantic.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
COLUMN NOTE: We recognize that many readers are awaiting the exciting conclusion of Drew’s quest for inclusion in his high school Hall of Fame, but he is in the process of seeking references to support his nomination in October and many of those “hoped for” references have not accepted his friend requests on Facebook or responded to emails. He also feels that a donation might help his cause and is looking into the penalty for early 529 withdrawals.
In the meantime, Drew’s personal attorney has noted that her subscription to The Atlantic Monthly is up for renewal in May, and she thought that if her client came forward now about the Signal text messaging, which included an editor of The Atlantic as well as her fifth favorite humorist, she might get a discount on her subscription since she has yet to see any money from her client.
I did not come forward sooner because I once took a drama class where we discussed Joseph Heller’s play We Bombed in New Haven and initially thought the text thread was nothing more than Republican messaging about an exciting new adaptation scheduled to debut at the Kennedy Center this summer titled We Bombed in New Yemen. I did not pay attention because I assumed the play was going to be a bit derivative and that the producers would wipe any and all references to Catch-22 to make it uniquely boring. It was only after the White House declared the scandal was no big deal that I thought I probably needed to go back and read the text thread since the topic was making Marjorie Taylor Greene debase journalists and talk about the migrant problem in the hamlet of Mudford Sock.
Here is the transcript from that Signal text messaging:
Little Marco: Hey, P Heggy, how hung over are you after last night? And nice ink on those arms. Saw you sweating out some of that alcohol in those Instagram posts and the guns came out to play!
P Heggy: LMAO! You have any Tylenol?
Mike Not To Be Confused with Failed VP Nominee Tim Because We Waltzed All Over Him: Speaking of guns, you guys want an update on our super-secret mission in Yemen in t-minus a few hours?
P Heggy: We’re not bombing JD are we? He’s the biggest “Yeah Man” I know. Sending his wife to Greenland on her own. That is cold! Snap.
Hillbilly JD: Ha! Greenland is cold!!!!!!! LMAO with crying emoji.
Mike Not To Be Confused with Failed VP Nominee Tim Because We Waltzed All Over Him: Dudes, I’m serious. There is a country in the Middle East that used to be called JD Vance but they changed it to “Yeah Man.” As in, Yeah Man, I can buy a Tesla truck to drive around rural Kentucky as long as I can hang rubber testicles from the tow hitch.
Little Marco: Damn, Mike Not To Be Confused with Failed VP Nominee Tim Because We Waltzed All Over Him, that’s almost as cold as Greenland! Double snap. And we really need to shorten your texting name. It’s taking up too much of the storage on my personal cell phone.
P Heggy: You mean your “work” cell phone because we’re not supposed to be using personal phones or emails (LOL LOL) when we bomb, JD.
Hillbilly JD: Damn, that is as cold as Greenland! And that’s where I’m sending my wife to a dog sled race.
Little Marco: Are you in the race because you’re the dawg, JD! Woof! Woof! Your wife can pull my sled!
Hillbilly JD: That’s cold! Like Greenland.
Mike Not To Be Confused with Failed VP Nominee Tim Because We Waltzed All Over Him: Can we stop talking about Greenland and focus on Yemen for just a minute?
P Heggy: Sure, what you got Last Waltz?
Little Marco: See, Last Waltz works much better.
Mike Not To Be Confused with Failed VP Nominee Tim Because We Waltzed All Over Him: Oh, that is good and it makes reference to The Band.
Hillbilly JD: Which band?
(Last Waltz is Typing…): Last Waltz: THE Band. Up on Cripple Creek? The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down? The Weight?
P Heggy: I was throwing around some weight in the gym this morning!
Hillbilly JD: Hold on, the band name is on the tip of my tongue…
Little Marco: Make sure your wife doesn’t put her tongue on any icebergs while she’s in Greenland.
Hillbilly JD: Because they are cold! Hold on, I’m still thinking of who the band is.
Last Waltz: Hint: They are from our 51st state!
Hillbilly JD: Black Flag! I love them.
Little Marco: You Googled that. SMH. Henry Rollins is from DC, but we’re never letting DC become a state.
Hillbilly JD: What other bands are from DC?
P Heggy: It’s not DC! Canada is our 51st state. Didn’t you get the memo?
Hillbilly JD: Oh, the band is Rush! I love them. They have a song about the Great White North which is cold, just like Greenland which is where I’m sending my wife…by herself!
Last Waltz: It’s THE Band!
Hillbilly JD: Sorry to disagree, but I’m politically obligated to say Cage The Elephant is THE Band because they are from Kentucky where I was a hillbilly.
P Heggy: Name one song by Cage The Elephant!
Hillbilly JD: “Cold Cold Cold”…like Greenland where I am sending my wife!
Little Marco: Who’s watching the kids while she is away?
Hillbilly JD: Oh, crap! I might have to go with her if the nannies are off. Thanks for the reminder.
Little Marco: Might be time to write an elegy for calling yourself a hillbilly Mr. We’ve Got Nannies.
Hillbilly JD: That’s cold! Just like Greenland…
P Heggy: OMFG! Enough with the cold.
Last Waltz: You know where it’s not cold? Yemen. And we’re bombing them in t-minus a few hours.
Little Marco: Wait, seriously? We’re bombing someone and you included me on the text chain? That is so cool.
P Heggy: T-minus how many hours?
Last Waltz: 0 19.
Little Marco: Bingo!
Last Waltz: O and 19 aren’t even in the same Bingo row. Don’t make me remove you from this text chain, Little Marco. And I’ll do it if I can figure out how. I’ve already somehow added two people on here who I don’t know—anyone know a JG or DG?
P Heggy: I know JG and DG need better nicknames! Last Waltz, we need to change your nickname to the OG! Bombs away, bitches!
Little Marco: Yeah man, feel the burn. Just like P Heggy.
Hillbilly JD: You know where you never get sunburn? Greenland! Where I’m sending my wife! Boom. Flag emoji.
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