Now You See It, Now You Don’t
If the Enola "Gay" is no longer safe, neither is America's pastime, or much of anything else.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
It appears that the federal government is on a mission to whitewash any and all mentions of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion from the historical record of the United States. There is speculation that the government is using an AI program for this venture because no one is left in the federal government to take on the task and because the AI program is owned by Elon Musk.
The ongoing search, like AI, is imperfect and has turned up historical documents that might offend old white men such as the song “Enola Gay” by OMD because of its dependence upon the synthesizer. Apparently, the song took its name from some famous airplane of the 1940s which was named for the pilot’s mother.
Regardless of how you feel about OMD, the important takeaway is that the word “gay” appears in the title of the song and also in pictures of the so-called famous plane from the 1940s. In an effort to assist with this cultural colonoscopy of all things DEI, I have found some other touchstones that need to be banished from microfiche and rebranded in the archives.
Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher, Gaylord Perry. This one was easy and pulled from childhood memories of playing baseball in the backyards and parks of suburban Pennsylvania. We would often play games as our favorite players for hours during the long months of summer. We were mighty incarnations of Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose, and Jim Rice. When we pitched, we were Steve Carlton or J.R. Richard, but never someone named “Gaylord” (or Dick Ruthven either because it only took one strikeout before someone would inevitably ask, “So, do you like Dick?”). Gaylord Perry won over 300 games as a pitcher and was well-known for doctoring baseballs with a mixture of sweat, pine tar, and Vaseline. (Had some of our future selves returned to tell us via the Department of Teleportation that one day we would put Vaseline on our nipples when we ran long races, I assure you none of us would have run to first base ever again.) Now, if there was a Major League pitcher who won a Cy Young Award and was named “Lord” Perry, then that would have provided the perfect springboard into Dungeons and Dragons years later. Lord Perry passed away in 2022. Rest in peace to both the man and the first name.
Pride of the Yankees. Baseball is again proving problematic with this 1942 classic film about Lou Gehrig. It’s unfortunate that we have to wipe this movie from the face of the world because it earned Gary Cooper an Academy Award nomination and features cameos by real life Yankee legends Babe Ruth and Bill Dickey (See: Ruthven, Dick). The Library of Congress had the audacity to place Pride of the Yankees in the National Film Registry in 2024, thus preserving its legacy in perpetuity. Of course, it was a woke library that made this decision to preserve a movie on Pride, and we all know libraries suck and are only used by pedos. Lou Gehrig may have felt that he was the “luckiest man on the face of the earth,” but that title should probably now go to The President in Cheat who plays more golf than Tiger Woods complete with a multimillion-dollar security detail that conveniently looks the other way when he uses a shoe wedge to win yet another club championship at one of his many golf clubs. Let’s borrow from the animal kingdom and rename this film Lion of the Yankees. Except…
Pride of lions no more. A “pride” of lions never made a ton of sense. (And don’t get me started on a “murder” of crows.) Even the etymology of “pride,” as it relates to lions, is murky. Some historians believe that Pride arose out of the regal nature of lions as King of the Jungle. Others believe it has a Latin affiliation from the word “prode.” Regardless, we’re blowing it up like a SpaceX rocket. Plus, the female lions do all the work for the colony formerly known as Pride. Women have no place in our new world order except for fawning eye candy, and you know what lions do to fawns? Get killer ratings on National Geographic nature specials! From this point forward, it is now “A Lot of Lions.” It even has alliteration. (“Murder of crows” comes from folklore and is related to the presence of crows around when the death of an economy and system of government looms. White House Press Secretary, Karoline Leavitt, has stated that there is no truth to the rumors that crows have been entering the United States from Canada in record numbers solely to evacuate their bowels on Teslas. Also, her husband is not an “Old Crow” despite their 32-year age difference. There is also no truth that they met at a public library where only pedos hang out.)
Department of Transportation. Sure, we could simply change it to the Department of Portation, but I defy you to define “portation” without using transportation. My taboo buzzer awaits. And “portation” keeps getting a red squiggly line under it in Word as I type, which is annoying since it’s an actual word. We don’t want to provide any services to the trans community going forward and certainly not one as important as providing portation. Now the Department of Teleportation sounds tuff (per my teenage daughter who informs me that both “rad” and “lit” are outdated). Who amongst us might not want to go back to another era in history to escape this current morass? Personally, I’d like to go back to the late 1950’s when Kurt Vonnegut was writing his novel The Sirens of Titan. At some point in the creative process, Vonnegut would write: “There was something obscene about a billionaire’s being optimistic and aggressive and cunning.” I’d pour us a couple of Scotch and waters, clink glasses, and then start with “You’re not going to believe this, but…”
RuPaul’s Drag Race. This show has existed for 17 seasons which is two more than the greatest show ever known to man—The Apprentice. Historically, it is no Survivor, but it has run for two more seasons than the greatest show ever known to man—The Apprentice. (Note to editor: This is not a typo. I wanted to stress to the audience that the greatest show ever known to man was The Apprentice, and a show about drag queens has run for two more seasons than the greatest show ever known to man—The Apprentice. In summary, a reality show about drag queens has outpaced the greatest show ever known to man by two seasons. Snap.) Going forward, RuPaul’s Drag Race, which is still airing, will be known as “RuPaul’s Master Race” and will feature old white men competing to see who can express the most outrage whenever someone mentions Rosa Parks, Gay Talese, or Kunta Kinte (who is believed to be buried at Loriella Park in Spotsylvania). “RuPaul’s Master Race” can currently be seen on MTV which foisted OMD upon the world when there was a perfectly good “Men Without Hats” video available that taught a generation how to spell S-A-F-E-T-Y. Go ahead and dance if you want to…or weep openly.
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Poor Drew, he can no longer depend on the indoctrination of the masses by the government funded DEI. I would think Drew would support getting rid of racial discrimination, but I suppose it's a matter of penance & retribution vs racial guilt . Drew must have a boatload of the latter, which he intends to spew upon everyone, as he rends his clothes and smears ashes on his head.