RFK, Jr. ‘Bears’ His Shirtless Soul
"Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear | fuzzy wuzzy got hit by JFK Jr's car | JFK Jr had an affair (or three) | and he's still looking near and far ...." Crap - we can't write poetry, but Drew can! Hang on JFK Jr.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., has recently focused his office on autism and announced that autism will be cured by September. Huzzah!
This is remarkable news, of course, and worthy of celebration except for the fact that RFK, Jr. continued to speak. During his speech, he showed the same amount of empathy for autism as he did for the bear that he struck and killed with his car and then planted in Central Park, which leads to as many questions as Chappaquiddick. Kennedy’s attempt at empathy went about as well as his fake smile while eating a Big Mac on Air Force One. (Note to Secretary of Education Linda McMahon—They spelled out “one” in the name of the plane to avoid any confusion with everyone’s favorite steak sauce.)
Kennedy bemoaned the fact that those suffering from autism will never get to pay taxes or get photo ops at Central American death camps with Kristi Noem or get to write a poem. As a published poet myself (Kumquat Meringue, Literary Magazine of the early 1990s—I swear I’m not making that up), I found the inclusion of poetry a surprise in RFK, Jr.’s ongoing character development, and it cheered my heart. The thrice-married environmental attorney who is about to conquer autism also writes verse when he’s not doing push-ups, shirtless, in his favorite pair of Wrangler jeans. Turns out that Kennedy, Jr. has a long history of journaling including the recording of explicit details with each of the 37 women he cheated on his second wife with. Someone is indeed Fortune’s fool.
If poetry is the language of the soul, today we take a look at RFK, Jr.’s soul through poetry.
Can’t Spell DEI Without RFK
--I married a woman named Black
And knew one day there would be flack.
So I divorced poor Emily
So all the world could see
That DEI was invented by me.
Ode to A Grecian Second Wife
--Her name was Mary
Whom I did Marry.
Alas, one wife was not enough,
For a man who is so damn buff.
From Mary I did stray…
Again, Again, Again, Again (Note to Publisher: “Again” should appear 37 times but my hand got tired)
Poor Mary I did betray…
Again, Again, Again, Again (Note to Publisher: My hand did not get tired from doing that!)
For my eternal soul I do pray…
Again, Again, Again, Again (Note to Publisher: Do you think anyone will believe my hand got tired from praying?)
A Limerick for My Hot Actress Third Wife, Cheryl Hines (Starred in Curb Your Enthusiasm)
--I could not curb my enthusiasm
When Cheryl first brought me
To…Organic Foods.
Larry David can suck it.
Because now I get
To…Make her wonder why the hell she married me
After I sexted with Olivia Nuzzi.
Karmic Haiku for Fuzzy Wuzzy
My Benz did travel (5)
Into the karmic brown bear (7)
Where he splattered (4.5)
Howl
(For Donald Trump)
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness,
Starving (because groceries are too damned expensive) hysterical (because they have no retirement) naked (China stopped sending us clothing)
Bawdy for the Bard and Beach Boys
--She makes my shake speare rise
Like the morning sun.
I took off my wedding ring
So we can have fun, fun, fun
Till Daddy takes the T-bills away.
The Road Not Taken (Because There Was a F***kin’ Bear In The Way)
--Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both (because I could not plant another bear carcass)
And be one traveler (if my wife asks, I was alone), long I stood (shirtless)
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth (is that another f***in’ bear?);
Then took the other, as just as fair, (no bear,)
And having perhaps the better claim, (Make her sign an NDA so there is no claim)
Because it was grassy and wanted wear (I’ll give her some wear);
Though as for that the passing there (Was that another bear? Dammit!)
Had worn them really about the same (Some other dog has brought his mistress here. Woof!),
And both that morning equally lay (No one lays like RFK!)
In leaves no step had trodden black (DEI warning—don’t say black).
Oh, I kept the first for another day! (Different mistresses for different woods)
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back (Not hitting another bear!).
I shall be telling this with a sigh (On my vision board)
Somewhere ages and ages hence: (I will cure aging, just like autism)
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— (Wood! LOL)
I took the one less traveled by, (DEI warning—don’t say “By”)
And that has made all the difference. (Damn straight, I just had sex in the grass!)
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