The Poetry of the Walk-Up Song
Six years ago Gerardo Parra use "Baby Shark" as his walk up song at Nats Stadium (the big one, in DC); things have changed a bit. Drew brings us walk-up songs for politicians.
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
As the boys and girls of summer return to baseball and softball fields, the importance of walk-up songs for batters returns to the forefront of our societal conscience. The song, played as a batter walks to home plate, is a reflection of how the player chooses to express themselves to the massed fans gathered to watch and boo them derisively if they fail to get a hit.
Walk-up songs are certifiably cool and should be offered to the rest of us in our daily lives. I, for one, would be much more inspired walking into my office in the morning to adjust claims if I was played into the room by some Dropkick Murphys. So, in a non-partisan effort to share the poetry of the walk-up song with those engaged in occupations that do not require pine tar or torpedo bats, I offer love of the common man. Now batting…
Joe Biden (46th President of the United States): “State of Confusion” by The Kinks.
Anyone who watched the June debate between President Biden and Donald Trump can associate that performance with this gem from the pen of Ray Davies. Biden seemed in a perpetual state of confusion on that night, and it proved to be the impetus for his withdrawing from the race and handing the baton to Kamala Harris. (Of note: this song works just as well as an insurance claims anthem with a blood curdling scream to start and then lyrics: “There’s flooding in the basement, there’s water all around, there’s woodworm in the attic and the ceiling just fell down.” Woodworms are excluded under most homeowners’ policies.)
Kamala Harris (Former Vice President of the United States):“In Your Wildest Dreams” by the Moody Blues.
We can sit around and dream of a world where race and gender are not prevailing factors, but the truth of the matter is that electing a black woman in 2024 was indeed the wildest of dreams.
Donald J. Trump (President of the United States): “Something in the Orange” by Zach Bryan.
I like Zach Bryan and apologize to any readers who now think I have ruined the song by associating it with the Orange Voldemort, but it was a no-brainer and led helpfully into…
Karen McDougal (Former Playboy Playmate): “Orange Crush” by REM.
McDougal carried on an affair with Trump for nearly a year in 2006 which was right around the time his wife, Melania, was giving birth to Baron Trump.
Melania Trump (First Lady and Cuckquean): “You’re The One for Me, Fatty” by Morrissey.
Alert readers might recognize that I used this song in a previous column, and they also might wonder if Cuckquean is a word, which it apparently is. The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as, “a woman who has recently given birth, and her husband runs out and has a year-long affair with a Playboy Playmate.”
Rudy Giuliani (Former Mayor of New York City): “The Mayor of Simpleton” by XTC.
Once upon a time, Giuliani was the savior of 9/11, but it turns out he truly is a simpleton who memorably Googled “Four Seasons, Philadelphia” and then hosted a presser at a landscaping company. The former mayor also thought that the actress Maria Bakalova wanted to share a bed with him in “Borat Subsequent Moviefilm” which somehow did not win her a much-deserved Academy Award. Lesser actors have been given trophies for starving themselves or making themselves ugly, but Bakalova deserved one for not projectile vomiting when Sweaty McGee laid back on the bed and undid his zipper.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy (President of Ukraine): “Legend” by Salt Hill.
This song is off the new album by a Celtic band out of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and the title sums up Zelenskyy’s legacy throughout the world and for history. It’s a great song and great album which features “Past Tense” which is a brilliant song that was co-written by a humorist and is available at:
www.salthilltheband.com. The humorist co-wrote the less brilliant parts.
Donald Trump, Jr. (Eldest Child of Donald Trump and Big Game Hunter): “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill” by The Beatles.
Don Jr., as he is affectionately known by anyone who is not an endangered species, does beg the question that the Beatles once posed: “The children asked him if to kill was not a sin, ‘Not when he looked so fierce’, his mummy butted in, ‘If looks could kill, it would have been us instead of him.’” Don Jr. does not appear to ever have taken his mummy on his hunts, but that’s likely because he’s hunting sheep and ducks and not tigers. Speaking of children…
The Children of Elon Musk (Too Many to Name Here, but there are 14): “Bastards of Young” by The Replacements.
In fairness, not all of the children are “bastards” but apparently their father is one who will cut child support payments to punish any former spouse or girlfriend who might speak out about him and his premature exploding rocket.
Justin Trudeau (Former Prime Minister of Canada Before It Became Our 51st State): “Narco” by BlasterJaxx & Timmy Trumpet.
This one is cheating a bit because the New York Mets’ closer Edwin Diaz already uses this song as his walk-out song from the bullpen, but it gives goosebumps even if the lyrics contain a reference to Underoos, the underwear that is fun to wear. As we all know, Trudeau and Canada allowed 43 pounds of Fentanyl into the U.S. in 2024, which is definitely worthy of the title of Narco. Forty three pounds is also the recommended weight when children should stop wearing Underoos.
Kristi Noem (Secretary of Homeland Security and Killer of Farm Animals): “Some Humans Ain’t Human” by John Prine.
A number of apologists came to Noem’s defense when she revealed in her memoir that she had to kill her dog, Cricket, because he could not fetch and kill Gus the Goat because he leaned to the left. The apologists said that sometimes farmers/ranchers have to make tough decisions on the farm/ranch which might be true, but they don’t have to write about them for the sake of selling a poorly-penned memoir. In her new capacity as Secretary of Homeland Security, she now takes PR photos in front of stripped-down prisoners while showing off her $50,000 Rolex. As Prine noted, “You might go to church, You sit down in a pew, Those humans who ain't human, Could be sittin' right next to you.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene (Congressional Representative from Georgia): “Big Mouth Strikes Again” by The Smiths.
There is not a lot of nuance to MTG. Like a small child, she cries and yells when she is frustrated or does not understand something. (I could have written this whole column using only Smiths/Morrissey songs but felt I needed to show the full range of my CD collection.)
JD Vance (Man Who Sold His Soul To Become Vice President of the United States): “When I Am King” by Great Big Sea.
There is ample evidence to show that JD Vance was not always like whatever chameleon shade he is today. He was vocally critical of Trump until Slugworth from Willy Wonka whispered in his ear and told him that, politically, it might be better to drink the orange Kool-Aid. It seems to have paid off by elevating him to VP and now comes with the expectation that one day he will indeed be King: “The world will sing when I am king.” Of course, the singing world will not include Canada, where Great Big Sea is from, most of Europe, and Central and South America.
Donald Trump’s Cabinet (Former Fox TV News Personalities and Conspiracy Theorists): “Ship of Fools” by World Party.
This song opens with: “We’re setting sail to the place on the map from which no one has ever returned. Drawn by the promise of the joker and the fool.” Prescience, thy name is Karl Wallinger. May he rest in peace.
Cory Booker (U.S. Senator from New Jersey, Anatomical Marvel with a Spine and No Bladder): “This is Me” Keala Settle from The Greatest Showman.
Booker’s 25-hour speech on the Senate floor will become a thing of myth and, dare I say, hope: “Look out, ‘cause here I come, And I’m marching on to the beat I drum, I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me.” Cory Booker, along with Settle’s unforgettable table read of this song, give me shivers and a sliver of hope for the future. If you do nothing else today, watch this clip of Settle:
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