The Replacements
If you haven't dyed eggs for Easter because you can't afford a third mortgage to buy a dozen, here's a chance to make it right. Drew walks us through egg substitutes for dying!
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Last year in the pages of The Advance, Shaun Kenney gave us a thoughtful column on Easter. I learned more about the holiday from his column than I did in reading Christopher’s Moore novel Lamb or watching Monty Python’s Life of Brian. My lone complaint about Shaun’s literal interpretation of biblical events was that there was no mention of Christ’s BFF, Biff, who actually upstages Jesus in the narrative of Lamb.
Shaun has since left for righter pastures (he remains a member of the Advance’s Board); in his absence, I felt that someone should pen an equally thoughtful column to remind readers to take time on this day to reflect on the ultimate sacrifice and what egg substitute we can dye to celebrate the resurrection.
President Trumpster Fire promised us that, upon election, he would immediately bring down the cost of eggs, end the war in Ukraine, and reveal Kristi Noem to be an even worse human being than we had believed. As Meatloaf memorably wrote, 1 out of 3 ain’t bad and gets you into the Baseball Hall of Fame (actually, that might have been Yogi Berra). Alas, it’s Easter and we must focus on the prohibitive cost of eggs and not Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt’s compelling argument for her boss joining Ruth, Aaron, and Ted Williams in Cooperstown. (Leavitt has not argued that Trump should be included in the Hall of Fame, but I’m sure she can and would if one of those pesky fake news journalists snuck into a press conference and dared to ask her.)
In an attempt to reduce the cost of egg sandwiches, some New York City bodegas use liquid eggs instead of actual eggs in the sandwiches they sell. This move is part of a concerted effort to keep the sandwiches affordable if not actually flavorful. While this might make a passable substitute for a ham, egg. and cheese sandwich it does not work for dyeing Easter eggs. There will be no television commercials of kids sitting around a kitchen table, about to create hard-boiled edible art, dipping their empty metal rings into pools of yellow, blue, and red dye-tinged liquid eggs and squealing with the innocence and fresh joy of childhood.
With an eye toward the consumer who is worried about the price of eggs at Easter as well as how the hell they are going to retire with a 401K balance that looks like a plotline graph from a Kafka novel, I give you the winner of the first and last FXBG Advance Easter egg substitute competition. Here are the contenders:
Oval-shaped rocks or stones. This would afford children the opportunity to go out into nature and drop their cell phones into a body of water as they try to find the perfect rock or stone to dip into magical pools of dye to see them emerge, reborn, in a rainbow of splendid colors. Couple of problems, though. First, you can’t eat them. Second, the kids can’t take them to school because rainbows are now considered DEI and having anything rainbow in their possession can result in having to throw the rocks or stones in the trash with library copies of A Day in The Life of Marlon Bundo and Hop on Pop.
Golf Balls. Always nice to include the golfer in the family in the egg-dyeing fun. What better way to get their attention than to crack open a dozen Pro V1s and start making them different colors? But here again we run into the issue of being non-edible as well as the fact that you can probably buy eight dozen eggs for the price of a dozen Pro V1s. The math works about as well as the ChatGPT formula for tariffs that the White House used. (Up next: “Siri, how do I solve world hunger?”)
Marshmallows. This is the perfect answer to the egg dilemma and not to be confused with the philosophical paradox of which came first, the chicken or the tariff? Marshmallows are cheap and malleable which means they can fit into the dipping rings with ease, AND they are edible. Unfortunately, it will only take your children mere moments to see the flaw in dyed marshmallows, and that flaw is that they already exist. They are called Peeps, you moron. Plus, Peeps have the added bonuses of being dumped in sugar, having delightful faces that rarely line up anatomically and, after a few days of not being eaten, make for great projectiles to throw at a brother or sister.
Avocados. Pros—they are edible and if not eaten on Easter morning can be made into guacamole. Might be a bit big for the Paas rings, but just improvise with metal coat hangers. Some astute readers might recognize that, due to the beautiful tariffs, the price of avocados has skyrocketed because Mexico wants their Gulf back along with Texas and New Mexico. There is a grower in California though who has found an easy solution — he will sell you an avocado tree for between $250-$950 (does not include shipping). Problem there is that avocado trees only grow in certain U.S. climates and none of them are outside of California. Picking up and moving one’s entire family to California just to experience an Easter egg alternative might be cost prohibitive.
WINNER: A fine race was run by all, but after careful consideration we did find the perfect Easter egg alternative for 2025. Come on down, nature’s other candy — The Brussels Sprout! It is edible and dippable. Sure, your kids, might hate the taste and the fact that you are their parents and you suck for trying to dye Brussels Sprouts instead of eggs, but the whole family can then sing along to Down Under by Men at Work (buying bread from a man in Brussels who is six feet four and full of muscle) to celebrate Easter as a family. And when your kids are done throwing their Peeps at you, you can sit down with your favorite adult beverage knowing that no matter how much you drink on this holiest of days you have plenty of those dyed cruciferous vegetables to help cleanse your liver.
Happy Easter!
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