TPS Reports
Never one to be caught slacking, Drew decided to defend his job by sending his boss an email explaining everything he did in the past week. J Brian's, the Card Cellar, and a birthday bash made the cut
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
Recent news events have caused me to reflect upon my station in life and what I accomplished in the past week at work. Though I work in the private sector, I recognize that Elon Musk may one day aim his chainsaw at outside industries, and that could ultimately make my employer and my manager wonder what I have accomplished for them not only in the past 31 years but in the more immediate past five days.
As such, I am providing bullet points (more than the requisite five just to show how good I am) of my top accomplishments for the week of February 24th, and I will most certainly copy my boss who, in the absence of context, will likely delete the email.
Went to the Card Cellar (915 Caroline Street) for a special promotional night for the 2025 release of Topps baseball cards. (This was actually on Saturday, February 22, but I think it is instructive in that it did not occur during my workday which is when I usually visit the Card Cellar. The time spent at the Card Cellar eating free pizza on a Saturday meant that I would not be spending that time there during my work week which, ipso facto, makes me more productive for the week ahead. Another thing that makes me more productive is listening to “Something To Talk About” by Badly Drawn Boy. I always think of that song whenever I see or use ‘ipso facto’ and the song makes me smile. Just ignore the lyrics, just like the Constitution!)
Went to J. Brian’s to pick up money I won on a Super Bowl pool. I drank a beer to celebrate. (This also occurred on Saturday, February 22, but I think it was important that I finally picked up my Super Bowl winnings, and that sentiment was shared by the owner who was tired of holding onto my money. He even announced to the assembled masses at the bar that I had finally picked up the last money from the pool which was probably very helpful to any would-be thieves in attendance. My willingness to wait on my winnings displays a degree of selflessness in that I allowed every other winner to get their money first.)
Returned to the Card Cellar to spend the money I had won on a recent Super Bowl pool before anyone considered mugging me. (Once again, a visit not during the work week, but importantly freed me up to spend more time during the work week on things related to the work week and not related to baseball cards.)
Start of Workday, morning of February 24 — turned 55! What better way to start off the work week than to celebrate with a birthday which shows my boss that I am still alive and physically able to function in an actual work capacity? Sure, I might have been a bit sleepy after a night of celebrating my double nickels with double IPAs at Tapa Rio, but I was able to pull myself out of bed and stumble two floors down to my office at 9:38 on the dot.
Checked my voicemail which showed that I still remembered the number I had to call to check my voicemail, and also that we have customers who seem to think that the workday should start before 9:38 on the dot. Now that I am in my mid-50s, my employer might be a bit concerned that there may be some mental decline, but I think the fact that I could remember a voicemail number that I check sparingly shows that my mind still works like a steel trap. Although, if I was a trapper and my livelihood depended upon my mind for income, then I might think about upgrading to a newer steel trap. But I did get Wordle in 5.
Reviewed and deleted 43 emails that had accumulated over the weekend. I prioritized the work emails over the 25 emails from The Washington Post asking me to restore my subscription for just 50 cents a week for the first year. (Jeff Bezos, you know what you did, and no amount of discounting is going to bring back the Gulf of Mexico or make JD Vance go away.) Also called the Rhode Island Department of Motor Vehicles and told them that I was not in Rhode Island in November, and they needed a new camera because the license plate picture they sent was really blurry. I told them that I also don’t own a white Tesla because I have a soul, and the white really shows dirt.
Having checked my emails and voicemails, I realized it was time for breakfast, so I made myself an omelet to prove that the cost of eggs is no deterrent as our economy continues to hum along like a SpaceX rocket. If you’re planning on vacationing in Turks and Caicos in the next few months, remember to bring lots of sunscreen and some sort of umbrella that can shield you from failed rocket debris which has been raining down on the tropical paradise since mid-January. Also, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs which is a dumb phrase because how do you make an omelet without breaking eggs? Have you ever tried to make an omelet with unbroken eggs? It’s just like a child’s Easter egg basket if that basket contains non-dyed eggs, melted cheese, green peppers, and onions instead of Peeps and jellybeans. That version of the Easter Bunny sucks.
I quickly realized that, like the Marines, I accomplished more between 9:38 and 10:47 than most people who work from home accomplish in an entire week. It was time to get this list of accomplishments to my boss so he could recognize how productive I am and preemptively relay that information to DOGE. I did not want to risk an email with information this important, so I jumped in my company car and drove to Picklr on Route 3 where I knew I would find my equally-productive boss playing pickleball during work hours. He did not appear to appreciate my zeal in getting this list of accomplishments to him so expeditiously (or that I was interrupting his game) but told me to put it in his backpack…next to his work laptop and his two other pickleball rackets. I believe it will be obvious to Elon Musk, Mini E, and Big Balls that my boss and I are very good at our jobs if for no other reason than the fact that neither of us were out playing golf like those slack ass National Park rangers.
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