“What’s in a name?” DEI: Part Dos
The Trump Administration seems to be leaning on AI these days, and the anti-DEI crowd is suffering. Look at all the DEI travesty Drew dug up this week!
By Drew Gallagher
HUMORIST
President Trump’s effort to remove all signs and references to Diversity Equity and Inclusion (DEI) throughout history seems to be humming along just like his economy. No longer can America’s tragic history of slavery be taught at institutes of higher learning like Harvard because it did not happen, and if it did happen, Harvard can’t teach about it or they don’t get their government allowance and are grounded for a week with no phone.
Alas, dig a little deeper and one can still find evidence of DEI references in everyday life which point us to a world that is not dominated solely by white males engaging in towel games in the country club locker room. Artificial Intelligence cannot do it all until there is a data center in every pot (falsely attributed to Herbert Hoover). In my ongoing effort to avoid being a guest at the newly-remodeled Alcatraz Home for Humorists, I offer further DEI references for scrubbing. (And yes, this is recycling an idea from a few months ago, but there are six Sharknado movies so talk to the hand.)
Bengay—how this “topical analgesic cream, rub, or gel used for temporary relief of minor aches and pains of muscles and joints” has escaped the AI censors just means that the robot overlords are still a few days from exterminating all of humanity. Fortunately, there is an alternative to making Ben not gay, and it does not require an evangelical preacher who can “cure” Ben if you tithe to his church. ICY HOT was already a thing, but with a little rebranding to ICEy Hot we can remove minor aches and pains as well as all immigrants. (HELPFUL HUMORIST HINT—wash hands thoroughly after applying ICEy Hot and before using the bathroom. This sage advice is also helpful when you buy the really hot bird seed at Wren and Sparrow to deter squirrels from eating the bird seed. Failure to wash hands thoroughly could result in deterring one from ever wanting to pee again. It only takes one time to learn this valuable lesson in hygiene.)
Drag Bunt—Not only is baseball peppered with Martins (St. Louis Cardinals’ outfielder) but also a number of LBGTQ bear traps. The “drag bunt” gets its name from a batter disguising his attempt to bunt until the last possible moment to fool the fielders into thinking that the bunt is a woman. The best drag bunter in history was Wee Willie Keeler who is in baseball’s Hall of Fame as well as the Hall of Fame of Drag Queen Names. That is probably evidence enough to send Vice President JD Vance back to Ohio to campaign on dog-eating Haitians and drag-bunting outfielders, but just in case he needs further concrete proof — Wee Willie Keeler never married…
Dungeons and Dragons—Some might argue that the “drag” inside of “dragon” is a stretch even for DEI, but as one who spent innumerable hours in modules searching for treasure and self-esteem, I can assure you that D&D has a connection to the LBGTQ community because every time I shared with someone in high school that I had a half-elven ranger character named Thrace, I was immediately asked if I was gay and not in a supportive way. When I rebuffed the juvenile taunt by telling them that my Dungeon Master Chris was going to college on a Division I scholarship for bowling, it did not have the desired effect. D&D has come under assault previously for leading kids to suicide just as listening to Ozzy Osbourne led kids to bite the heads off of live bats. There are many alliterative names that DEI could put forward including Dungeons and Dinosaurs or Dungeons and Dwarfs, but most adventurers would argue that dinosaurs were not period appropriate and dwarfs do not instill the right degree of dread as evidenced in the Stonehenge scene in the cinema classic “This is Spinal Tap”. For simplicity’s sake, a change that all would likely agree upon is Dungeons and Dice. Think Candy Land with the Molasses Swamp of the Dead and Gingerbread Plum Tree of the Damned.
Christmas Carols—President Trump has voiced his desire to put the Christ back in Christmas which might be convenient this holiday season since there are unlikely to be many toys available, but there are still plenty of Trump Bibles for sale including 1,827 in stock for the limited-edition camouflage Bible. This is the same edition Donald Jr. takes with him when hunting for endangered species, so he can read his favorite bible verses without the book giving away his location before he smokes one of God’s creatures. There are a number of Christmas carols that contain DEI inappropriate lyrics such as "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” which sings: “Make the Yuletide Gay…and Fabulous” (Taylor’s Version). And before you deck the halls make certain you don your gay apparel. It’s time to retire some of the classic oldies and replace them with carols that better reflect these modern times such as “Father Christmas” by The Kinks: “Father Christmas, give us some money, don’t mess around with those silly toys, we’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over, we want your bread so don’t make us annoyed, give all the toys to the little rich boys.”
Bicuspid—The far-reaching DEI initiative cannot just limit itself to sports, pop culture flashpoints, and crimes against humanity. We all have to take a good hard look in the mirror, specifically at the eight teeth in our mouths located between the canines and the molars. I had concerns that changing the name of teeth could result in erroneous drilling and an increase in dental malpractice claims, so I reached out to a long-time friend and dentist, Dr. Marc Moyer to ask if the profession was updating terminology that could satisfy DEI as well as avoid unwanted fracking in gum lines:
“Drew, where have you been? We haven’t said bicuspid for months. We now say “zweicuspid” which is German and rolls right off the tongue,” said Dr. Moyer.
Another helpful reminder from the ADA that you can’t spell American Dental Association without D-E-I, or it would be Amrcan Ntal Assocaton.
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DEI = Civil Rights